10. The camp motto was: Parents must pay up front.

9. His archery instructor’s hero was William Tell.

8. “Movie Night” consisted of slides of the owner’s vacation in Detroit.

7. The cook’s dishes all began with the word ‘Blackened’ — and he isn’t Cajun.

6. Lacking proper wood, during Arts & Crafts the kids were encouraged to whittle on each other.

5. For some reason, instead of campfire songs, the only songs the counselors knew were show tunes.

4. He sent you a note that he was making a break for it, and to meet him at the north gate at midnight.

3. His cabin mate’s favorite pastime: Tying him to the bedpost and covering him with honey.

2. Inspired by Slumdog Millionaire, every other night the counselors drove the kids into town and made them beg for money.

1. Recreational activities included waterboarding.
 

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10. When they say “ocean view,” that includes “on television.”

9. It’s a time-share, and you only get it alternate Tuesdays.

8. There’s a security camera in the shower.

7. The “backyard pool” is only there during high tide.

6. The beach in front of the house is “bring your own sand.”

5. It’s in Nebraska.

4. The lease states that “this agreement includes free nightly massages…for the property owner.”

3. It’s in a newly opened development called Rancho Guantanamo.

2. You’re contractually obligated to ignore the shackled person in the basement.

1. The large number of cobwebs are the only thing keeping the place standing upright.
 

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10. A David Frostie

9. Limburger Cheese Float

8. Rape on the Beach

7. Iguana Juice

6. A Crap Frappe

5. Khalid Shake Mohammed

4. A Screaming Sarcasm

3. Lemon & Lyme Disease

2. Dingleberry Smoothie

1. Swine Coolers
 

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10. If you plan to get sick, you must give the government at least three months notice.

9. To pay for it, taxes will be raised only on those earning more than $250 per year.

8. All cigarettes will be banned, except Newport 100s (Obama’s brand).

7. Our new Secretary of Health and Human Services: Michael Moore.

6. We will not pass the cost of this plan on to our children, or to our children’s children; it will be paid for by their children.

5. Prostate exams will be made more comfortable, via candlelight and romantic music.

4. Once healthcare rationing begins, registered Democrats get first dibs.

3. Coming soon to every mall in America: free abortion kiosks.

2. In early spring, all the elderly will be rounded up and placed on ice floes.

1. The plan won’t cover people born in foreign countries — Obama included.
 

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10. The Bangor Maniacs

9. The San Pedro Pedrophiles

8. The Washington Bailouts

7. The Tampa Bay Windows

6. The Charlotte Webs

5. The San Francisco Bone Smugglers

4. The Detroit Layoffs

3. The Boston CreamPies

2. The Hoboken Hobos

1. The Major League Assholes
 

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10. He asks you what the word ‘itinerary’ means.

9. He recommends insurance naming him as the beneficiary.

8. He gets you a special deal on a Somali cruise.

7. He is skeptical that so-called “air travel” is even scientifically possible.

6. He wonders how you feel about traveling in the cargo hold.

5. For the second leg of your journey, from London to Amsterdam, he’s just penciled in “Any way you can get there.”

4. He brags that the very first flight he ever booked was for Buddy Holly.

3. The “meals included” at the Brussels hotel are just the mints on your pillow.

2. He asks if he can pack your luggage for you, but only if you promise to keep it a secret.

1. He hopes you won’t mind dropping him and his family off at the airport.
 

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10. His above-seat air blower was busted and he felt really really warm.

9. He’d accidently put on his X-Ray Specs that morning, then got confused about what was acceptable.

8. He felt inspired by the in-flight movie: The Full Monty.

7. He’d been smacked in the shins by the food cart so many times, he thought this was the best way to get really noticed.

6. He heard airline stewardesses were “easy.”

5. He’d had six pre-flight cocktails too many.

4. He’s so hairy, he thought people would just think he was wearing a brown suit.

3. He’d read about that new Homeland Security camera that can see through clothes, and he thought he’d save them the trouble.

2. The PA system was so bad, he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to “return to its full upright and locked position.”

1. When the sign said it was okay to unbuckle his seat belt, he did, and then just got carried away.
 

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10. Saying, “Heeeeeeere’s St. Peter!”

9. Selling vegetable slicers on the boardwalk

8. Hosting the best Star Search ever! (Janis Joplin, Jimmy Hendrix, John Lennon, Elvis, Michael Jackson)

7. Following God around saying “Yes!” “You are correct, Sir!” and “Hi-ooooo!”

6. Ducking his ex-wives

5. Selling Alpo (since all dogs go to Heaven)

4. Sending people envelopes, with his picture on them, saying, “You may have already won a trip to Heaven!”

3. Cohosting Hell’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes

2. Swimming in a lake of Budweiser

1. Looking for Johnny
 

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10. Harry admits he learned all his tricks from the Amazing Kreskin.

9. Harry’s latest supernatural power: levitating his pants.

8. Harry enters the 21st Century by trading in his broom for a vacuum cleaner.

7. Lord Voldemort is revealed to be Dick Cheney.

6. Harry is stripped of all his Quidditch medals when he tests positive for steroids.

5. Harry uses his cloak of invisibility to sneak into the girls’ locker room.

4. Harry is dating Susan Boyle.

3. Like in Star Wars, it turns out Harry Potter and Hermione Granger are brother and sister.

2. Alone, late at night, Harry likes to play with his magic wand.

1. It turns out Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are brother and sister.
 

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10. “Wish somebody had told me this BBQ was BYO!”

9. “The DVD that Weird Uncle Frank rented certainly sounds patriotic: The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!”

8. “My hot dog has an engagement ring on it.”

7. “Come on upstairs; I’ll show you some fireworks!”

6. “Tell Lester to get on the other side of the volleyball net! He’s too fat to be jumping up and down directly over the septic tank!”

5. “Which is the burger and which is the charcoal?”

4. “Who chugged all the lighter fluid?”

3. “Alright, nobody light their cigarettes near Donald!”

2. “I think Grandma lost her dentures in the coleslaw again.”

1. “It’s deer meat! Couldn’t have been in the road more than a day or two.”
 

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10. Every night: free back rubs.

9. The prison laundry offers one-hour Martinizing.

8. His inmate number will be unlisted.

7. Every Saturday night, there’s a mixer with the nearby women’s prison.

6. The prison cafeteria features an open bar.

5. His cell features open bars.

4. Every inmate gets a choice of three premium channels.

3. His conjugal visits include a Jacuzzi.

2. Every summer, he’s allowed to stay at his beach cell in Avalon.

1. If things get too rough, Bernie and his buddies have a daring plan to go “over the hedge!”
 

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10. He wanted to demonstrate the detrimental effects of being forced to accept a $700 million economic stimulus package.

9. He just has a weakness for Latin spitfires.

8. He wanted to show his four sons what happens when you cheat and then get caught.

7. As the governor of South Carolina, he was just “Aiken” to see his girlfriend.

6. He thought his wife might enjoy a breather.

5. He wanted to see if he could out-Blagojevich Blagojevich.

4. To help him better deal with South Carolina’s growing immigrant community, his mistress was teaching him Spanish.

3. He was checking if he could sneak in and out of the country unnoticed, to see how porous our borders are.

2. Governor Sanford wanted to be home on Father’s Day, but Governor “Johnson” had different ideas.

1. He thought the Appalachian Trail ran through Argentina.
 

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10. If you’re drunk enough, slides of past vacations might seem like the real thing.

9. Instead of Fourth of July fireworks, have everyone in your family try closing their eyes and rubbing them.

8. Take your kids for “A Day at the Zoo”; PetSmart doesn’t charge admission.

7. If your local high school athletic field has sand in its pole vault pit, you and your family can set up beach chairs.

6. Instead of Disneyland, take your kids to Dizzyland. The admission is a lot cheaper, their Tea Cups Ride spins a lot faster, and your kids won’t feel like eating a bunch of expensive snacks.

5. With the right mindset, ferry boats are just miniature cruise ships.

4. If your kids have their hearts set on summer camp, there are a number of religious cults willing to take them in for free.

3. Swimming pool? Bathtub? I mean, water is water!

2. Dinner at Taco Bell is like a trip to Mexico – without the drug cartels or dysentery!

1. Eat baked beans before getting into the wading pool and – voila! – you’ve got your own Jacuzzi!

 
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10. The Bee Gees’ “Stayin’ Alive”

9. The Three Degrees’ “When Will I See You Again”

8. Wham!’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”

7. Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive”

6. Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”

5. Lesley Gore’s “It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To”

4. Queen’s “Another One Bites the Dust”

3. Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry Be Happy”

2. Amii Stewart’s “(You Better) Knock On Wood”

1. The Bee Gees’ “How Deep Is Your Love”
 
 
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10. On your Chemistry final, you answered every question with “Do I look like a rocket scientist?!”

9. Your nickname is “Glue-Sniffin’ Gus.”

8. On your Civics final, you kept spelling it “Cervix.”

7. Your final paper in Music class was entitled “Why the Jonas Brothers Are the New Mozart”

6. Nobody believes that the pot they found in your locker was planted there as part of a “right-wing conspiracy.”

5. In your high school yearbook, you were voted ‘Most Likely to Be Unable to Distinguish between His Ass and a Hole in the Ground.’

4. You were caught out on the football field, sticking a suppository into a hole in the ground.

3. On your Literature final, you said Moby Dick was an STD.

2. You’ve been in the seventh grade since the Carter Administration.

1. On your essay “How I Plan to Spend My Summer Vacation,” your teacher wrote “Think again.”

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10. He leaves early so he can catch the new Star Trek movie ­– again

9. When he rented his tux, he couldn’t afford the pants

8. He keeps calling you “Mommy”

7. The “corsage” he brings you has a sash across it reading “Rest In Peace”

6. He keeps saying, “Who’d a thunk?! Me! At a prom!!”

5. He can’t stop talking about Hannah Montana

4. He says his parents expect him home by 9:30

3. He’s pinned a carnation to his chest, and he’s not wearing a jacket or shirt

2. When he takes you to McDonald’s afterwards, before you order he whispers, “Remember, I ain’t Mr. Moneybags!”

1. He shows up wearing the same dress

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10. Enchantment Under the Bleachers

9. An Evening to Forget

8. Crepe Paper, Bunting, And That Gym Sock Smell!

7. Save the Last Dance for Your Hot Friend

6. Dry Hump Dreams

5. Goodbye Textbooks! Hello Minimum Wage!

4. Herpes-palooza!

3. Moon Over Abu Ghraib

2. A Midsummer’s Night Grope

1. Memories to Last a Nighttime

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10. He’s wearing a disabled electronic ankle bracelet

9. The title of his talk: “Your Future at Hamburger U.”

8. His entire speech is in the dits and dahs of Morse Code

7. His speech is half over, and he’s already mentioned Scientology 63 times

6. First name: Rod. Last name: Blagojevich.

5. After introducing his imaginary friend Pedro, he sits by while Pedro delivers a 90-minute address

4. You recognize him from when he sold you a Slurpee last night at your local 7-Eleven

3. He keeps referring to Barack Obama as the “leader of the Great Satan”

2. His ultimate uplifting message: “If life hands you shit, make shit sandwiches”

1. He spends two hours talking about the superiority of Amway products

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10. A siloful of Pampers

9. A five-gallon baby bottle with an octopus-shaped nipple

8. An in vitro sterilization kit

7. A birth video (extended director’s cut)

6. A gigantic shoe with room for 15

5. A copy of Jonathan Swift’s A Modest Proposal

4. Free spaying or neutering by Bob Barker

3. Name tags for all the kids

2. Four wet nurses

1. An inflatable Octodad

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10. Seriously, did you see that vacuum cleaner?!

9. Due to the bad economy, he was out of money for hookers.

8. She made the first move.

7. Just one in a series of girlfriends who sucked the life out of him.

6. He’s only human!

5. It was the anniversary of their first date.

4. Somebody had sudsed it up and it was looking particularly fine!

3. He was trying to make his home vacuum cleaner jealous.

2. It was purely physical; he didn’t want any attachments.

1. His wet vac was on the fritz.

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