10. You’re the surviving half of Milli Vanilli

9. Your comedy album is entirely in Kurdish

8. Your CD just went Tin

7. Your musical style is a cross between Zamfir and Boxcar Willie

6. Your reggae album was recorded using only bagpipes

5. Before you copied and released your album, you forgot to make sure the microphone was on

4. You’re up against Lady Gaga in the category Most Gaga

3. Your CD’s main popularity is as a beer coaster

2. Your band is named The Living Kazoos

1. There isn’t a category called Highest Score on Guitar Hero
 

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10. Outtakes from The Office

9. The Numa Numa Guy

8. A test pattern

7. Law & Order: Mail Fraud Unit

6. Jimmy Fallon

5. Canadian Curling Championships

4. A couple sitting on their couch, watching the cop show Southland on TNT

3. YouTube videos of guys getting hit in the goolies

2. Reruns of whatever was on from 9 to 10

1. Jeff Zucker’s home movies
 

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10. Your co-workers have posted the video of your office Christmas party meltdown on YouTube

9. You’re the Balloon Boy’s dad

8. Your company is transferring you to its office in Kabul

7. For the Rose Bowl, you put your life’s savings on Oregon

6. Airport security thought your colostomy bag was an explosive device

5. All you got for Christmas was new underwear…Well, new to you!

4. For Christmas, your wife gave you a vasectomy gift card

3. You began the year in the emergency room having a champagne cork removed from your ass

2. Your first name is ‘Tiger’

1. You just woke up from your New Year’s Eve party
 

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10. Car Crash on 34th Street

9. So You Think You Can Gift Wrap

8. Bob Dylan’s Hanukkah/Christmas Special

7. Bernie Madoff’s New Year’s Rockin’ Prison Eve

6. Rudolph the Downsized Reindeer

5. I Saw Adam Lambert Kissing Santa Claus

4. When Reindeer Attack

3. Drape Some Tinsel on This, Charlie Brown!

2. The Grinch Who Robbed Parking Meters

1. Don Knotts’s It’s A Wonderful Fife
 

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10. The only noisemaker involves the host and a can of beans

9. All Macarena, all the time!

8. When you come through the front door, you spot a large table and a 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle

7. The only toast all evening involves actual bread

6. It breaks up at 11:45

5. Everyone is speaking Klingon

4. The “champagne” is really just ginger ale and Mentos

3. It’s just you and three Zhu Zhu Hamsters

2. It’s February 12th

1. You’re still waiting for your ball to drop

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10. Instead of being on the ‘Naughty’ or ‘Nice’ list, you’re on his list of ‘Jerk Faces’

9. He smears milk and cookies all over your drapes

8. Your biggest gift is Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue

7. He had all the reindeer leave you little gifts on the roof

6. Instead of just coals in your stocking, he puts in hot coals

5. He leaves you a note that says, “You better watch out! You better not cry! And you better not let me catch you alone, you bastard!”

4. You’re being stalked by killer elves

3. Instead of toys, he leaves you a bagful of ashes and soot

2. As he drives out of sight, instead of exclaiming, “Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!” he yells “Bite me!”

1. Rather than visiting a gas station restroom, he just sits on your chimney
 

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10. Big Bag O’ Discarded Hypodermic Needles

9. Balloon Boy Self-Launch Home Kit

8. Easy-Bake Microwave Oven

7. Fisher-Price Choking Hazard

6. Baby’s First Power Stapler

5. Mr. Wizard’s Home Meth Lab

4. Fontanelle Lawn Darts

3. Miss Piggy Swine Flu Inoculation Kit

2. Owie! – The Fall-Off-The-Ladder Game

1. Zhu Zhu Flammable Hamsters
 

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10. He started horsing around, and then things just got out of hand.

9. His ex-girlfriend once told him he was hung like one.

8. Seriously, have you seen that horse?!

7. During the playoffs, he misheard when someone said he should be rooting for the Phillies!

6. He read one of the signs of the swine flu was feeling a little hoarse.

5. He knew he’d never have to pay palimony to a palomino.

4. The horse looks exactly like his old girlfriend.

3. He claims he was looking for a stable relationship.

2. His daughter said, for her next birthday, she was hoping for a pony.

1. He was put up to it – by a small step stool.
 

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10. “Run for your lives! The electric carving knife has a mind of its own!”

9. “I didn’t have to stuff the turkey; it wasn’t hollow!”

8. “John, when you said you were bringing your new soulmate, Terry, we just assumed she was female.”

7. “It takes me a whole friggin’ year to forget how much I hate each and every one of you!”

6. “I realize it’s called that by some people, but can’t you just call it ‘white meat’?”

5. “Sorry about the pies. One’s pumpkin and one’s mincemeat, but don’t ask me which is which.”

4. “Yeah, my flat screen TV’s busted….Hey! Where ya goin’? We haven’t had dinner yet!”

3. “9-1-1? How do you get someone out of a tryptophan-induced coma?”

2. “Me? I’m thankful Thanksgiving just comes once a year!”

1. “You ate so much turkey, your belly button just popped like one o’ them Butterball thermometers!”
 

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10. “This turkey tastes a little off. What breed did you say it was, ‘tofu’?”

9. “What time do the Indians arrive?”

8. “Well, I think thine clothes look equally as ridiculous!”

7. “And you can get advice on cooking your bird from that handheld talking machine?!”

6. “Big deal! So your ancestors came over on the Mayflower!”

5. “When we knew John McCain, of course, we called him ‘Little Johnny’.”

4. “Jebediah, look! Their leader appears to be a Native American!”

3. “There is no need to struggle! Why do you not just share the wishbone?!”

2. “Celebrating with giant balloons of cartoon animals! Why didn’t we think of that?!

1. “Hey! Let us out of this box! It’s dark in here!”
 

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10. How John McCain Ruined My Chances to Become VP

9. Stalin, Hitler, Levi Johnston, & Tina Fey

8. Why We Should Rename It the Exxon National Wildlife Refuge

7. How to Look Sharp for Only $150,000

6. If I Put On My Extra-Strong Glasses, I Can See Parts of Europe, Too!

5. Sniping Baby Seals from a Chopper

4. Me?! A Female Pit Bull?! You Betcha!

3. Winners Never Quit, and Qui…Oh, Never Mind

2. The Importance of “Abstinence Only” for Nonrelatives

1. If Ya Think I Speak Good, Wait’ll Ya Read This Friggin’ Book!
 

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10. Visit more cities than you ever expected!

9. We’ll make sure you have time to watch the whole in-flight movie!

8. Up, up, and a way over there!

7. We go the extra distance for you!

6. Some people just know how to fly! Then there’s our pilots!

5. Who knows which flight will turn out to be our Secret Mystery Flight?!

4. Fly the distracted skies of Northwest!

3. Northwest Airlines: We love to overfly, and it shows!

2. Earn extra frequent flier miles!

1. Our planes are so comfy, even the pilots can’t stay awake!
 

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10. Good N’ Porky

9. Bit-O-Runny

8. Gutterfinger

7. Nazi Rolls

6. Smelly Belly

5. Gecko Wafers

4. Almond Soy

3. Crummi Bears

2. Feces’ Peanut Butter Cups

1. I Can’t Believe They’re Not Raisinets
 

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10. You have to wheel an IV drip bag on a stand along with you.

9. Instead of candy, you ask for prunes.

8. Your “trick” involves taking out your dentures and then biting your own ear.

7. You’ve gone as Larry King, and you don’t need any makeup.

6. You’re the only SpongeBob on the block with a walker.

5. You can suck the chocolate off the Goobers, but you can’t then chew the peanuts.

4. Your grandkids tell you the best houses to hit.

3. Instead of candy corn, you keep hoping for corn pads.

2. When people open the door, instead of saying “Trick or treat,” you look confused, then start singing Christmas carols.

1. You keep seeing someone dressed up as the Grim Reaper – but you’re the only one who can see him.
 

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10. The jack-o-lantern is an orange balloon with a Magic Marker Happy Face.

9. The Wolfman is just a shirtless hairy guy.

8. The scariest movie they could find to show is Mariah Carey’s Glitter.

7. It’s February.

6. Sexiest Costume goes to an Ed Asner lookalike.

5. Bobbing for Apples segues into Hunting for Uncle Sid’s Contact Lens.

4. Most of the guests are dressed as their favorite Certified Public Accountants.

3. All the decorations say “HAPPY,” then “BIRTHDAY” is crossed out and “HALLOWEEN” is written above it.

2. Best Costume goes to a guy in a sheet.

1. Instead of candy: leftover meatloaf.
 

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10. How I Met Your Mailman

9. Jon Plus 4

8. Kate Plus 4

7. The Old and the Toothless

6. The Dentalist

5. Text and the City

4. Law & Order: Overdue Library Book Unit

3. America’s Funniest Answering Machine Messages

2. So You Think You Can Yodel

1. The New Adventures of Old Larry King
 

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10. “So Much Reality! So Little Content!”

9. “The Only Network with an Organ Transplant Drama Set in Pittsburgh!”

8. “Catch This Crap Before It Vanishes Forever!”

7. “Nielsen Families: Watch Our Shows and Get a Kitty!”

6. “Better than a Poke in the Eye with a Sharp Stick! Much Better!”

5. “This is Why Benjamin Franklin Invented TV!”

4. “More Professional-Looking Than YouTube!”

3. “Our Commercials Kick Ass!”

2. “All Jay All the Time!”

1. “Swill! – Now in Hi-Def!”
 

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10. All your professors also work in the cafeteria.

9. Its Latin motto is actually written in Pig Latin.

8. All of the library books have already been colored in.

7. It boasts “a graduation rate higher than most District of Columbia high schools.”

6. The student center has an onsite bail bondsman.

5. All the dissecting in biology class is done on roadkill.

4. Its most notable alumnus is Howie Mandell.

3. In the Jeopardy College Championship, it lost to Hamburger U.

2. The dean giggles every time he hears the work ‘matriculate’.

1. Instead of the S.A.T., you just have to pass a urine test.
 

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10. “Okay, I get the top bunk and the bottom bunk!”

9. “What’s it worth to you for me to keep my clothes on?”

8. “You got any underwear you don’t need?”

7. “Seriously, My Silent But Deadlies have been known to peel paint off the walls.”

6. “Which of the Jonas Bothers do you think is the cutest?”

5. “I bet I’m bigger than you are!”

4. “What do you mean you can still see me? I’m wearing my cloak of invisibility!”

3. “I have a surprise for you. It’s in my trouser pocket.”

2. “I have a tendency to walk in my sleep and do this ‘stabby’ thing.”

1. “Care to tuck me in?”
 

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10. That travel agent you went to drunk turned out to be an Army recruiter.

9. The only summer job you could find was as a deer tick tweezerer.

8. Your boss wouldn’t even give you time off for good behavior.

7. Your summer highlight: watching reruns of “The Iron Chef.”

6. First name “Bernard.” Last name “Madoff.”

5. The only nice meal you’ve had out all summer included a two-hour presentation on timeshares.

4. Your sunburn is so bad, drivers stop at you and wait for you to change.

3. The B&B you stayed at has nothing but lumpy Bs and tasteless Bs.

2. The only action you got at the beach was some kelp in your trunks.

1. Due to hard-of-hearing travel agent, instead of Cancun you’ve wound up in Camden.
 

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