10. Car radios are being replaced by old cell phones with ten different ringtones

9. No more lunch breaks for their assembly line robots

8. They’re just sticking a GM frame on top of a Tata Nano

7. Car goes from zero to sixty in a day and a half

6. Instead of brakes, it’s an anchor and a rope

5. All Saturns are being downgraded to Plutos

4. The seatbelts are duct tape

3. For their multi-million-dollar bonuses, top executives will get only 99 cents on the dollar

2. In an emergency, your air bag has to be blown up by mouth

1. Your warranty extends until you get the car off the lot

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10. No employer-subsidized health care coverage

9. Parrot poop on their shoulders

8. Little chance of actually getting to meet Johnny Depp

7. Scurvy

6. Keep getting their swash caught in their buckle

5. No discount when eating at Long John Silver’s

4. People who keep coming up to them and saying, “Arrrrrrrr!!!”

3. Seriously, have you ever been to Somalia?

2. When they forget, and put their telescope up to the eye with the patch

1. Navy snipers

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10. His last client was Willie Nelson.

9. All his calculations use “the finger method.”

8. His CPA license is handwritten in crayon.

7. He swears that “a bajillion” is a real number.

6. He keeps saying, “Audit, Schmaudit!

5. He advised Michael Phelps that he could deduct his weed money as an entertainment expense.

4. The name of his firm is “H & R Crock.”

3. He states unequivocally that you can claim your imaginary friends as dependents.

2. At the bottom of every page, he’s written “Give or take a thousand.”

1. He boasts that over ninety percent of his clients “have gotten away scot-free!”

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10. One gross of surgical masks

9. His first nose

8. His subpoena collection

7. Tito

6. The Elephant Man’s bones

5. His ninth nose

4. Bubbles the Chimp’s bones

3. A mobile made out of dangling babies

2. A water bed that sleeps 20 (10 adults)

1. His current nose

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10. Your “dust bunnies” have all been devoured by “dust ferrets”

9. Mickey Rourke thinks your place looks “nasty”

8. The Health Department has declared your living room eligible for FEMA funds

7. After a mudslide swept through your house, it actually looked better

6. The “lace curtains” seem to be catching an unusually large number of flies

5. Your place received The Good Housekeeping Seal of Disapproval

4. Your bathroom has hot and cold running rats

3. Your “bean bag chair” is made of accumulated lint

2. You wipe your feet on the mat before stepping outside

1. When you open the refrigerator door, the light makes all the food suddenly stop moving

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10. $1.1 billion to make airport security even slower

9. $1.5 million to study the feasibility of harnessing the wind generated by Rush Limbaugh

8. $750,000 incentive given on condition that the Octomom “knock it off”

7. $300 million to acquire electric vehicles for the federal vehicle fleet, and another $300 million for really really long extension cords

6. $50 million for the newly created Commission for the Study of Stem-Cell Research and Presidential Cloning

5. $50,000 to enable Michael Phelps to continue his drug research

4. $1 million to put The Love Guru II into fast-track production

3. $10 million to build a Bridge Back from Nowhere

2. $15.35 to reinforce the levees in New Orleans

1. $50 billion to enable homeowners to afford their own tents

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10. Never received promised commission on green beer

9. Still awaiting remake of Darby O’Gill and the Little People

8. Every St. Patrick’s Day, when they dye the Chicago River green, it just looks like pond scum

7. On his day, number of people fraudulently claiming Irishness just to get a kiss

6. Only saint whose name is associated with massive hangovers

5. Compared to Saint Nicholas’s helpful elves, St. Patrick’s leprechauns are nothing but a bunch of troublemakers

4. After you’ve heard “Top o’ the mornin’” a few million times, you’d kill for a simple “Hello”

3. When St. Patrick’s Day revelers get sick on green beer, they look like Linda Blair

2. Hasn’t had his Blarney Stone kissed in years

1. Snake bites

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10. Not tall enough to ride on Space Mountain

9. From the back, often being mistaken for Tom Cruise

8. Too many people asking, “Hey, where’s Snow White?”

7. Never cared for green beer

6. Too many people thinking that nasty Rumpelstiltskin is one of them

5. Found the title of the movie Little Women to be very misleading

4. Frequently kidnapped by people who think they’re garden gnomes

3. Complete lack of female leprechauns makes reproduction a bitch!

2. Job market sucks for the vertically challenged (well, it sucks for everybody, but the vertically challenged especially)

1. Hate being classified a “fairy”

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10. Military was not only authorized to conduct warrantless searches of Americans’ homes, but to try on their underwear

9. Waterboarding was no longer considered torture, but a recreational activity

8. United States was authorized to hold detainees indefinitely without charges, without a hearing, without legal counsel, and without basic cable

7. Freedom of Speech and Freedom of the Press were downgraded from “rights” to “suggestions”

6. Bush authorized the transfer of captured terrorists to the control and custody of foreign nations, and required them to fly coach!

5. The definition of “permissible interrogation techniques” was expanded to include forcing detainees to watch Mike Myer’s The Love Guru

4. Justice Department’s “Internal Ethics Office” was renamed “Yeah, Right!”

3. If someone irritated Dick Cheney, he was legally permitted to shoot him in the face

2. When addressing President Bush directly, all subordinates were required to use the term “Your Highness”

1. As a favor to logging, mining, and drilling industries, “Endangered Species” were reclassified as “Enemy Combatants”

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10. Turns out he once beat a man to death with a sockful of nickels

9. Feels it’s a bad career move to have his name associated in any way with the U.S. economy

8. Known among his personal staff as “Mr. Hands”

7. Decided he just couldn’t work with Obama after reading the details of Obama’s proposed plan to adopt a Portuguese water dog

6. Revealed he once tried to peddle his influence directly on eBay

5. Hasn’t paid his taxes since the first Darren on Bewitched

4. Once shared a bathroom stall with Larry Craig

3. Told that the position involved lots of math, and he hates math!

2. Caught with his actual hand in a real cookie jar

1. Finally realized there just isn’t any commerce left!

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 10. “I hear Frank Langella used the same makeup for Nixon that he used for Dracula.”

9. “I love Price, but I never much cared for Waterhouse.”

8. “I’m sorry, but those seats are reserved for the two people who actually saw Frost/Nixon.”

7. “Michael Moore? I’m sorry, Mr. Moore, but you’re not allowed to bring any food into the auditorium.”

6. “They gotta be fixed; I mean, Beverly Hills Chihuahua deserved something!”

5. “Did anybody find out why Heath Ledger’s a no-show?”

4. “I’d like to thank the Academy. And for those of you who think it’s an honor just to be nominated: What a bunch of losers!!!!”

3. “Now that Wolverine has hosted the show, can Cyclops and Storm be far behind?”

2. “I love that new ‘anatomically correct’ Oscar; it’s so much easier to carry!”

1. “I hear they’ve already started torturing that kid from Slumdog Millionaire to find out how it won.”

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10. Wanted to prove that the Securities and Exchange Commission is a friggin’ joke.

9. Thinks them there ankle bracelets look really cool.

8. Knew he’d never get hard time, due to corrupting influence on other prisoners.

7. After seeing The Green Mile, thought prison would be kinda neat.

6. Wanted to devise intricate plan to see if his sons could keep a secret.

5. Always hoped to immortalize the family name.

4. Likes “Knock knock” jokes that end “Made-off…with 50 billion!”

3. All that financial stuff is way too confusing.

2. Believed going billions of dollars into debt would make him eligible for government work.

1. Thought a Ponzi scheme had something to do with the TV show Happy Days.

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10. Solid gold toilets, to replace their gold-plated ones.

9. More homes than John McCain can count.

8. A tree that really does grow money.

7. Diamonds on the soles of their shoes

6. Costa Rica

5. A real 100 Grand Candy Bar

4. A “World’s Wealthiest Man” coffee mug

3. Special glasses that block out the sight of “poor” people (6 figures or less annual income)

2. Their dignity (though they won’t have nearly enough cash).

1. More Congressman, to vote for their next round of bailouts.

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10. Going in, didn’t realize it was a contact sport with lots of pushing and shoving.

9. Overly cocky after winning the coin toss.

8. Couldn’t stop laughing at those half-time Doritos ads.

7. Under the mistaken impression there was going to be a fifth quarter.

6. Team members so excited about seeing The Boss, they completely lost their focus.

5. Cardinals Head Coach Ken Whisenhunt, who plays a lot of golf, got confused and thought low score won.

4. ‘Steelers’ sounds so much more macho than ‘Cardinals.’

3. Thought, with six games to go, there was still plenty of time to win the series.

2. For some reason, felt oddly “out of sync” after watching Faith Hill and Jennifer Hudson perform.

1. All part of long-range plan to make the Steelers feel overconfident for Super Bowl XLIV.

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10. Raymour & Flanigan salesman specializing in seats.

9. Professional liar.

8. Environmental activist (after changing first name to ‘Erin‘).

7. Stand-up comedian with routine “Seven words you can say on the telephone.”

6. Spokesman for Jacquin’s Peach Schnapps with catch phrase “It’s im-peachy keen!”

5. eBay auctioneer.

4. Corrupt private citizen.

3. Ethics advisor to Wall Street executives.

2. Spokesman for Alberto VO5.

1. Prison laundry.

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