Top ten surprises in the recently declassified Bush Justice Department memos

Top ten surprises in the recently declassified Bush Justice Department memos

Posted on March 9th, 2009 by Bob Sullivan

10. Military was not only authorized to conduct warrantless searches of Americans’ homes, but to try on their underwear

9. Waterboarding was no longer considered torture, but a recreational activity

8. United States was authorized to hold detainees indefinitely without charges, without a hearing, without legal counsel, and without basic cable

7. Freedom of Speech and Freedom of the Press were downgraded from “rights” to “suggestions”

6. Bush authorized the transfer of captured terrorists to the control and custody of foreign nations, and required them to fly coach!

5. The definition of “permissible interrogation techniques” was expanded to include forcing detainees to watch Mike Myer’s The Love Guru

4. Justice Department’s “Internal Ethics Office” was renamed “Yeah, Right!”

3. If someone irritated Dick Cheney, he was legally permitted to shoot him in the face

2. When addressing President Bush directly, all subordinates were required to use the term “Your Highness”

1. As a favor to logging, mining, and drilling industries, “Endangered Species” were reclassified as “Enemy Combatants”

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Bob Sullivan

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.