Top ten reasons Obama’s <em>next</em> Commerce Secretary nominee will have to withdraw

Top ten reasons Obama’s next Commerce Secretary nominee will have to withdraw

Posted on March 2nd, 2009 by Bob Sullivan

10. Turns out he once beat a man to death with a sockful of nickels

9. Feels it’s a bad career move to have his name associated in any way with the U.S. economy

8. Known among his personal staff as “Mr. Hands”

7. Decided he just couldn’t work with Obama after reading the details of Obama’s proposed plan to adopt a Portuguese water dog

6. Revealed he once tried to peddle his influence directly on eBay

5. Hasn’t paid his taxes since the first Darren on Bewitched

4. Once shared a bathroom stall with Larry Craig

3. Told that the position involved lots of math, and he hates math!

2. Caught with his actual hand in a real cookie jar

1. Finally realized there just isn’t any commerce left!

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Bob Sullivan

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.