Entries Tagged as 'Bob Sullivan’s top ten everything'

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten least popular prom themes

10. Prelude to a Hangover

9. Fumbling With A Bra Strap

8. The Popular Kids Are Just Better

7. Never Give Up Grope!

6. Not Even McDonald’s is Hiring

5. Almost Legal

4. This Limo Rental Cost More Than My Car

3. Getting Faced!

2. Abstinence Makes the Hard Grow Fonder

1. A Gulf Coast Sludgefest
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingeducation

Top ten signs you have a bad commencement speaker

10. She goes off on a rant about “the great left-wing liberal socialist conspiracy.”

9. His speech begins, “Hello, I’m Glenn Beck…”

8. Her speech is 90 minutes of “Knock Knock” jokes.

7. He’s Obama, just not the Obama.

6. His claim to fame: he’s the surviving member of Milli Vanilli.

5. He advises the females in the auditorium to take Home Economics ’cause “nummers is hard!

4. He’s a Goldman Sachs V.P. who claims he can triple your graduation gift money in three months.

3. First name: Kate. Last name: Gosselin.

2. After applying lipstick to the edges of his thumb and pointing finger, he lets the entire speech be delivered by Mr. Hand.

1. He’s wearing his cap, but forgot his gown.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

adviceBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten signs you’re not going to graduate

10. You answered every question on your History final with, “Hey, I wasn’t even alive then!”

9. You’ve been in the eighth grade since the Clinton Administration.

8. Your term paper in music class compared the vocal stylings of Lady Gaga and Alvin and the Chipmunks.

7. Because of new carpeting, you’ve worn all the hair off your knuckles.

6. The only word you learned in Spanish class was “No.”

5. When you tried to sell your textbooks, you were told you might want to hang onto them for a bit longer.

4. On your Geography final, you said the English Channel was the BBC.

3. That stuff you cooked up in Chemistry class attracted six busloads of DEA agents.

2. Your combined score on the SAT: 4.

1. Your teacher suggests you could use that ten bucks for better things than a cap and gown rental.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten things overheard at the Cannes Film Festival

10. “My money’s on Wolfman to win the Palme d’Or.”

9. “I wonder if Tim Burton had any influence in creating that new category, Best Weird Johnny Depp Movie.”

8. “Look, it’s Jabba The Hutt!… Nope, just Kevin Smith.”

7. “I’m confused. I thought all these films were supposed to be about cans.”

6. “I hear that new movie, Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, is very derivative.”

5. “Our flight was almost cancelled due to the plume of smoke over Woody Harrelson.”

4. “Is Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience being shown out of competition this year?”

3. “Uh-oh, Woody Allen’s headed for the nude beach!”

2. “I was hoping some Na’vi would show up this year.”

1. “All About Steve– c’est magnifique!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten BP oil spill silver linings

10. The price of sardines should come down, with no need to pack them in oil

9. It makes Katrina seem less severe

8. The British Petroleum backlash should help U.S. gas stations

7. It provides a new topic for New Orleans blues singers

6. It’s good practice for the next oil spill

5. It’s a great sales opportunity for manufacturers of 4-story 100-ton steel-and-concrete domes

4. With all this cleanup practice, there might be a spillover effect on BP gas station restrooms

3. So far, FEMA isn’t involved

2. Free gas for people on the Gulf Coast

1. The oily bird catches the worm
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmoney

Top ten questions being asked in Congress about the financial overhaul bill

10. “Can we add something that bars volcanic eruptions?”

9. “Is it just me, or is this legislation getting more complex than some of those derivatives?”

8. “Can’t we blame the whole financial crisis on Obama anyway?”

7. “Any chance we could give ourselves some o’ them executive bonuses?”

6. “Can we put in a clause making Republican lap dances tax deductible?”

5. “What would Glenn Beck do?”

4. “Any chance the Chinese might consider the United States ‘too big to fail’?”

3. “How can we drag this out as long as we did health care reform?”

2. “So which lobbyist is making the highest bid today?”

1. “Didn’t they get their name because they have so much gold, Man, they had to put it in sacks?”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

animalsart & entertainment

Top ten horses least likely to win the Kentucky Derby

10. Lethargy

9. Yugo

8. Kirstie Alley

7. Elmer’s Extra Sticky

6. Cat Napper

5. One Horse of the Apocalypse

4. Tripod

3. My Little Pony

2. Lackadaisical

1. Snowball in Hell
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingdamned lies

Top ten excuses if you still haven’t filed your taxes

10. “Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck both claim paying taxes contributes to socialism.”

9. “Wealthy people who are exceptionally good-looking should be exempt.”

8. “On April first, I got an e-mail saying that, as part of the stimulus package, there was a tax moratorium this year.”

7. “Trying to use the Qualified Dividends and Capital Gains Tax Worksheet, I got a severe brain cramp.”

6. “My buddy at the post office said he could backdate my return.”

5. “After I claim all the voices in my head as deductions, it turns out they owe me money!”

4. “This year, in the box labeled ‘For Office Use Only,’ I just plan to write ‘Approved – Send massive refund!’”

3. “Fill out a tax form?! I can’t even get my VCR to stop blinking ‘12:00’!”

2. “My accountant said I could deduct my late fees.”

1. “I just woke up from my New Year’s Eve party.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmoney

Top ten signs you’ve hired a bad tax accountant

10. After three of the questions on the tax form, he’s just written “Huh?”

9. It takes him a half hour to figure out his tip at Red Lobster.

8. He tends to whimper and say, “Nummers is hard!

7. His last client was Nicholas Cage.

6. He swears “umpteen” is a real number.

5. He checks off the box for “joint filing,” then lights one up.

4. He keeps insisting, “No, you’re wrong! They’re due on August 15th!”

3. You notice that his calculator is really a TV remote.

2. After every number on your tax form, he’s written “or so.”

1. He likes to do his calculating in the nude, so he can count up to 21.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingpolitics & government

Top ten Republican National Committee excuses for blowing $2,000 in campaign contributions at Voyeur West Hollywood

10. “Ever since Sarah Palin started wearing leather motorcycle jackets and leather skirts, we’re really into S&M.”

9. “We didn’t think we’d get caught.”

8. “Rush Limbaugh told us a guy there could score us some Oxycontin.”

7. “We thought we’d create our own ‘Self-Stimulus Package’.”

6. “We’re just a bunch of rich arrogant jerks, big deal!”

5. “We were only trying to prevent unnecessary layoffs in the Stripper Industry.”

4. “We took a real spanking in 2008, and got to like it.”

3. “Why should Democrats have all the fun?”

2. “We thought the club’s lesbian role play might help us with any ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ legislation.”

1. “Ever since Republican Senator Larry Craig got busted for lewd conduct in an airport’s men’s room, the GOP has been desperately trying to re-establish its ‘hetero cred’.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten signs the Easter Bunny hates you

10. Instead of grass in your Easter basket, he uses poison ivy.

9. He claims he’s “as mad as a March hare” at you.

8. No Lindt. Just Hershey’s.

7. You wake up with the head of a baby chick under your blanket.

6. He’s always dissin’ your peeps.

5. He colors all your eggs using lead paint.

4. You get death threats signed simply “E.B.”

3. He hides twelve eggs and three land mines.

2. Instead of a basket, he uses a bedpan.

1. Those aren’t Raisinets.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingdrugs & alcohol

Top ten signs you’re on a bad spring break

10. Your “exclusive beachside accommodations” have a half moon on the door

9. The only alcohol in your hotel is in the mouthwash

8. The “meal plan” is all you can catch with your bare hands

7. The only ‘girls’ you’ve seen all week have unusually large hands and Adam’s apples

6. You’ve spent most of it sitting on the runway waiting for your pilots to sober up

5. The closest thing you’ve gotten to a tan came from some poison ivy you sat in

4. When the travel agent told you you’d get some action, he never once mentioned the word ‘Afghanistan’

3. The guy running the Bungee jump doesn’t know how to subtract

2. The “ocean view” requires you to tune in to Channel 4

1. What you thought was a mint left on your pillow just crawled away
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten punchlines to dirty Irish jokes

10. “No, that’s my shillelagh, but I’m still glad to see you!”

9. “But I love the taste of Bailey’s Irish Cream!”

8. “Every time I see you, somethin’ starts Dublin in size!”

7. “What’s this I hear about Meredith Baxter practicing her Gaelic?”

6. “Because of you, my Irish thighs are smiling!”

5. “I’ll show you who’s hung like a leprechaun!”

4. “They don’t call me Lord of the Pants for nothing!

3. “You’ve made my sham rock hard!”

2. “It’s those two Irish smoothboys: Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick!”

1. “Oooooooooooooooooo! Danny Boy!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingmovies

Top ten things overheard at last night’s Academy Awards

10. “Is Sandra Bullock nominated for All About Steve?”

9. “I’m glad they made it ten Best Picture nominees; before, the show never seemed to drag enough.”

8. “Who’s up for Best Boy?”

7. “I’d like to see those District 9 aliens and those Avatar aliens in a steel cage match.”

6. “I thought Mo’Nique was u’Nique.”

5. “They gotta be fixed; I mean, Paul Blart: Mall Cop deserved something!

4. “I never realized that the Oscar is just chocolate wrapped in tinfoil.”

3. “I hear that Stanley Tucci is all hands.”

2. “Who cares about Best Picture? My favorite is Best Sound Mixing!”

1. “It’s too bad they don’t have televisions on Pandora.”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

art & entertainmentBob Sullivan's top ten everything

Top ten signs your film is not going to win an Academy Award

10. It’s a heartwarming story about two senior citizens trying to figure out how to get their cable television to work

9. The actors were told, “Improvise! That way we don’t have to hire any writers”

8. The Motion Picture Association of America rated your film PG for “Particularly Ghastly”

7. It has one or more Transformers in it

6. The opening and closing credits actually meet in the middle

5. It’s called The Love Guru II

4. All the actors are gerbils

3. The iPhone product placements detract from the Biblical setting

2. Instead of 3-D glasses, you’re supposed to wear sleep masks

1. It was directed by Marvin Scorsese
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingsports

Top ten rejected Winter Olympic events

10. Snowplowing

9. Speed Typing

8. Bottomless Ski Jump

7. Icicle Toss

6. Octathlon

5. Nordic Hot Tub

4. Ice Hockey Free-For-All

3. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Doubles Luge

2. Snowman Building

1. Ski Curling
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingsports

Top ten things overheard at the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremony

10. “I don’t know which I enjoy more, the Pomp or the Circumstance.”

9. “That’s weird: somebody’s replaced the Canadian National Flag with a picture of a leaf!

8. “I never realized North America contained a country besides the United States.”

7. “I’m really looking forward to that new event, Cross-Country Skating!”

6. “Cripes! I’ve seen more snow on the shoulder of a Head & Shoulders user!”

5. “Rumor has it that one of the male figure skaters might be gay.”

4. “It’s so embarrassing when you just can’t get your torch up!”

3. “What’s the venue for the Freestyle Zamboni?”

2. “Rumor has it that k. d. lang might be gay.”

1. “I didn’t know Georgia was a country now! Did it secede from the Union? Again?”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingbooks & writing

Top ten favorite lines for a Valentine’s Day poem

10. Although this sonnet be one quatrain short,

9. It’s filled with every drop of Love of mine.

8. It’s filled with all my caring and support.

7. I Love you so, my gorgeous Valentine.

6. I Love the fire burning in your eyes,

5. That melts our flesh eternally together

4. And, like the phoenix, soon enough we rise

3. And soar off starward, one bird of a feather.

2. To see sights that no mortal man has seen,

1. Forever one with my true Love: Maureen.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears (except this week) every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten things you don’t want to hear on Valentine’s Day

10. “Honey, tonight dinner’s on me! I have a coupon!”

9. “When I said I hoped you’d give me something special, I didn’t mean Swine Flu.”

8. “I’m so looking forward to spending the coming year with you, Mr. Madoff.”

7. “Table for one? Right this way, Sir!”

6. “We can have hanky, but I’m not quite ready for panky.”

5. “No, offense, but I think you should try out for ‘America’s Least Wanted’.”

4. “We patch leaking tires here; we don’t fix ‘girlfriends’.”

3. “Bad news, Dear: Tonight, in bed, Jay Leno is taking over your old time slot.”

2. “So this year, Valentine’s Day is on the fourteenth?!”

1. “Hi! This is Tiger. Happy Valentine’s Day to my one and only! I love you – ummmm…Who did I call again?”

 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan's top ten everythingends & odd

Top ten answers to the question, “How cold is it?”

10. It’s so cold, people are hugging Ted Williams’s head just to keep warm

9. It’s so cold, aquariums no longer really need the glass

8. It’s so cold, flashers are running up to women in Central Park and just describing themselves

7. It’s so cold, it would be colder than Glenn Beck’s heart — if he had one

6. It’s so cold, the Statue of Liberty decided to hold her torch under her robe

5. It’s so cold, Rod Blagojevich was spotted with his hands in his own pockets

4. It’s so cold, all Sarah Palin could see from Alaska was more snow

3. It’s so cold, people are hanging around the set of The View just for the artificial warmth

2. It’s so cold, a temperature was actually recorded that was colder than the shoulder Tiger Woods’s wife is giving him

1. It’s so cold, Al Gore came out in favor of global warming
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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