February 28, 2010
I dream there is a campus celebration and two girls are practicing their magic act. One of them can have her arms penetrate solid objects despite the fact that her thumbs are tied together. I appreciate this trick and I would like to invite these girls to perform in a show with me. Unfortunately, the word comes down that the puppets are running amok. We must kill them. That’s not too hard to do since they’re made out of cloth and they’re not that strong.
April 6, 2010
I dream I am about to leave on a road trip to shoot a television show with my brother. We are late. We rush to the bus station on our bikes and a young man is inspired to see us because he, too, is on his bike and he plans to make it to his location on time. He asks us if we feel positive. We say we feel pretty good, but we don’t know for sure if we will make it. The young man is disgusted because of our lack of certainty, and he lectures us because we don’t think positively.
April 16, 2010
I dream I live in a depressing room in a dormitory so I visit my auxiliary room, which is much nicer. There is a polished wooden cane leaning up against a rich-looking wooden door so I begin to cane-walk. I hold the cane upright with the bottom tip on the floor, crouch down low, and hang from the top of the cane. I push myself up, balance in the air for a second at a time, and land a couple of feet away, sort of like mini-pole vaulting. After a few minutes of cane-walking through my auxiliary room, I feel that something is wrong and I check my penis. I find it has a 90 degree downward bend in it. I try to straighten it out, but it won’t budge. I know I’ll have to go to the health center. I notice I left the door open and people are watching me.
January 29, 2010
I dream I am on a trip with my brother and in a subway station he buys a huge supply of government hotdogs. After he thinks about it, he realizes he has been rooked by the diminutive hotdog man. Normally, he would sue in this situation, but since the diminutive hotdog vendor is a city employee and Dan is reluctant to implicate former mayor, Ed Rendell, he resigns himself to being rooked. Meanwhile, we have to transport the huge supply of hotdogs and accompanying furniture, and we run into Betsy who tells me that Dan should get out on the social networking websites more frequently. I tell her he’s out on those from time to time, but she says not enough. I say, “How do you know? Have you even gone out with him?” She says, “Yes.” I am livid because neither my brother nor Betsy told me about the date. I also wonder why she and I had never gone out on a date.
March 9, 2010
I dream I have purchased a large rubbery lizard that is said to have a rudimentary artificial intelligence. At first, I am unimpressed by the lizard and wish to throw it out, but gradually the lizard gets smarter and larger. My plan it to ditch the lizard at a synagogue function. I leave it in a small pond in back of the event, but it has turned charming and has acquired the ability to change colors. It has grown large now, so I fold it up and bring it home.
March 24, 2010
I dream I am working at a food court at the Coney Island boardwalk, and Bill Cosby is talking to a young man. I can’t hear exactly what they’re saying, but the young man appears skeptical. He doesn’t understand why Cosby is interested in him or why he wants to talk to him. Cosby is passionate, however, and he informs the young man that he loves him. The young man does not believe it.
February 6, 2010
I dream it is Saturday morning and the cleaning man and his people are here, but not much cleaning is being done. The cleaning man tells me he thinks of himself as a designer, not a cleaning man. I tell him, no, he’s a cleaning man and I gave him money and he is to clean the house. He explains that this is not “the thing,” and that I must at least help him with the “swats.” I say, “What is this word, ‘swats’?” He says, “Rags.” I say, “As far as I know, I am not obligated to help you with the ‘swats.’ I am paying you a hundred dollars. You are supposed to clean the house.” During this conversation I notice that the sofa cushions are on the dining room table.
August 8, 2009
I dream Deborah has just arrived for a visit with me and Gail. When I am alone for a few moments with Deborah, I see there are specks of blood on her face. I ask her what the hell happened. She says she had to rescue a cat who had hung himself from her shower rod. She couldn’t untie him, so she had to find a pair of scissors and cut him down. I tell her to clean up, but she insists she doesn’t look that bad. Later on, I see that the cat has a collar and I impulsively cut the collar off with a pair of scissors. The cat suddenly has a burst of energy because he is finally free.
March 7, 2010
I dream I am with friends who cultivate eccentricities. I am fussy about the kinds of eccentricities I am willing to cultivate, but with them, anything goes. For example, I am reluctant to use the new inspirational paper towels. I am ok with the old ones imprinted with general homilies that might be appropriate in a wide range of contexts, but my friends prefer the new ones that are thought to be the word of God. If anyone has a problem or question, all they do is rip off the next paper towel and do what it says. My friends recline together in enormous beds and think up odd things to do. I feel out of it, and begin work on a list of eccentric activities.
February 20, 2010
I dream I am a youngish version of myself attending a summer theater program at NYU. We have our belongings arranged for inspection in an orientation room and it is clear people brought too much stuff. The head of the program has us pack up and head towards the dorms. I walk with one other student and we run into the head of the program who is chatting with Meryl Streep. Meryl seems interested in me, which feels wonderful and bizarre. I ask the head of the program where we go to pick up our room keys. He gives me a funny look. Suddenly, someone picks me up from behind and holds me aloft while another man pours a very cold beverage onto my crotch.
January 17, 2010
I dream I am Dr. House and Gail is Dr. Cuddy. I am looking after Cuddy/Gail’s health hotel, and I receive a psychic message that the showers are to be taken over by evil spirits. I tape down the sides of the shower curtains. Suddenly, blood and guts start to spray from the nozzles, filling up the showers. I exorcise the demons and all goes back to normal.
February 1, 2010
I dream I am interviewing Bob Newhart during a midterm exam. Bob is charming, and he allows me to hang out in his West Philly home where he is finishing up a memoir. I sneak back later to finish up a few things and I inadvertently destroy a tropical fish hors d’ oeuvre. While getting rid of the evidence I discover a crazy elderly woman sleeping underneath his kitchen work table. I try to escape before Bob gets back.
January 5, 2010
I dream I am playing Barnaby in a miserable production of Hello, Dolly. No one knows his lines, nothing works correctly, and I cannot locate my pants. The problem with the production is attributed to a demonic presence that messes things up and leaves pieces of shit sprinkled around the set. We call in some Rabbis to exorcise the production. Eventually I find seven pairs of my pants frozen beneath the surface of the reflecting pool.
April 7, 2009
I dream Richard Schechner organizes a performance festival to be held on the top floor of the Empire State Building. It is my privilege and pleasure to participate. Then, when the show is over, I get a phone call and Richard tells me someone wants to talk to me. I figure, he found one of my old friends who wants to surprise me. It turns out it’s David Letterman calling on the show. I explain to Dave what we’ve been doing at the festival, and I tell him about my mind reading skills. Letterman is gracious and kind.
February 9, 2009
I dream I am with my father in a magic shop that is about the size of a Home Depot. In the middle of the room there is a performance area in which my Uncle Phil is doing the linking ring trick. As much as I like my Uncle Phil, I am distracted by an aisle filled with salt shakers and gimmicks. I search for the right shaker and gimmick, but I can’t find exactly what I am looking for. Later on, I am in another aisle of little magic boxes with brass fittings. Richard Kaufman, editor of Genii Magazine, is there to go over some obscure issues.
June 25, 2008
I dream I am in a department store where Oprah Winfrey sees me perform some magic. She thinks I’m good and I immediately go to Chicago to be on her show. Once I get there, I drag Michael Jeffrey Cohen’s folder of Improv Olympic history through the dank subterranean swimming pool in which Chicago improvisers meet. I don’t talk to anybody, and I question my own motivations for being there. When I try to get out of the place, I have to climb up and find my way through a wrought iron sewer gate. I find Michael’s folder burdensome. Mary wonders why I don’t just ditch it. Magician Bob Sheets is looking for a spot card.
January 6, 2010
I dream I am trying to park near a viewing. There are no parking spaces, so I go instead to the simulcast at the local racino. As I watch on video the throngs of people walking by the casket, I sob uncontrollably. I start to play a slot machine, but an attendant removes my chair. I say “If you remove the chair, I’ll remove my money.” He removes the chair anyway. I cash out, but instead of my money a bunch of oddly shaped cookies pours out. I look for a place to cash in my cookies and I wind up in the kiddie area where a family sings songs from Evita in four part harmony.
December 24, 2009
I dream I am in a hospital to participate in a study of human arousal. Before I am to begin looking through magazines with provocative images, I wander the hallway and run into my friend, Bob. He informs me that he is visiting Sylvia Fine, wife of actor Danny Kaye. I am baffled as to how Bob knows Sylvia Fine and how he happens to know she’s in this hospital. Bob explains to me that it takes a little effort to find these things out but I could learn to do it. I point out that not only can’t I keep informed about Sylvia Fine’s whereabouts, but I can’t remember to wear pants. Indeed, I am walking the hallway with no pants on.
October 30, 2009
I dream I am waiting for a party to begin and I am sitting on the curb outside practicing a magic trick in which four popcorn kernels magically leave my left hand and reappear in my right. A young tough comes by and ridicules and insults me. I don’t like the ridicule and insult, but I am more upset that he does not want to see this beautiful magic trick. I try to explain this, but he insults me more and throws my popcorn kernels and punches me. I am concerned for my well-being, but I am still upset about the magic trick.
December 3, 2009
I dream I am a student at a school. I am not one of the cool kids, but everyone seems to accept me. My writing class is taught by an earnest young man who drives us to and fro in a van. One day, he asks to see my notebook. I hand it over and say “I’m sorry, but I didn’t realize you were going to ask people to show this to you.” He seems surprised and upset that anyone would object to that. There is no problem, though, because I have nothing to hide.
