January 5, 2010
I dream I am playing Barnaby in a miserable production of Hello, Dolly. No one knows his lines, nothing works correctly, and I cannot locate my pants. The problem with the production is attributed to a demonic presence that messes things up and leaves pieces of shit sprinkled around the set. We call in some Rabbis to exorcise the production. Eventually I find seven pairs of my pants frozen beneath the surface of the reflecting pool.

August 1, 1999
I dream I am so despondent about my work situation that I go back to graduate school to learn how to be a vocational counselor. My late mother helps out by teaching me to make a huge mound of purple ice on a desk. The ice, she assures me, helps people make career choices. Furthermore, I go back to NYU to take extra courses and share my ice with those who need it. They are happy to have me.

May 14, 1999
I dream I am a young woman at a Catskills resort. The air is a thick piece of ice, and when the sun burns through, my family and I get on a subway and head towards ancient Egypt. We wind up near the Nile River, which is a small stream. Some Egyptian children are playing with us. Pharaoh’s youngest son tries to scare us. He put tiny, freeze-dried sharks of various breeds into the stream to bite us. When we run away I ask the Pharaoh’s older son, who is closer to my age, to protect us. I realize the younger son is jealous of my attention, so I give him a hug.

“Fred’s Dreams” is published every Wednesday.

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