Top ten surprising facts about Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ)

Top ten surprising facts about Senator Jon Kyl (R-AZ)

Posted on May 16th, 2011 by Bob Sullivan

10. When he claimed on the Senate floor that abortion is “well over ninety percent of what Planned Parenthood does,” he was only off by eighty-seven percent.

9. When his spokesperson later clarified this by saying “His remark was not intended to be a factual statement,” he never said what it was intended to be.

8. At birth, Sen. Kyl’s doctors legally listed him as a hermaphrodite.

7. In his teens, he was a Junior Wizard with the Ku Klux Klan.

6. Once, in Reno, Sen. Kyl beat a man to death with a sockful of nickels, just to watch him die.

5. He was happy to become the Senate Minority Whip, owing to his extensive collection of whips and other S&M paraphernalia.

4. Sen. Kyl impregnated three of his former female Senate staffers, then made them have abortions financed by taxpayer dollars.

3. Sen. Kyl is a deep-cover mole in the Koch Brother’s covert plan to subvert the U.S. Constitution and create a plutocracy in this country.

2. Beyond this, Sen. Kyl is a deeper-cover mole working for the inhabitants of Klaxxor, a planet intending to harvest human beings for food.

1. None of the previous statements were intended to be factual.

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.