10. Night of the Living Bed
9. The Invisible Pants
8. Close Encounters of the Kinky Kind
7. The Sexth Sense
6. The Martians Are Cumming! The Martians Are Cumming!
5. Last Whorehouse on the Left
4. Hello, Weenie!
3. The ‘O’ Man
2. The Bare Bitch Project
1. The Triple-Ex-orcist
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Listen to Frédéric Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” 60 times
9. Get all your exercise out of the way for the rest of the year
8. Write another long rambling letter to Justin Bieber
7. Watch the Fox News Channel until you vomit
6. Cook 20 three-minute eggs
5. Sudoku! Sudoku! Sudoku!
4. Try to re-set the clock on your VCR
3. Watch “The Best of Jersey Shore” 120 times
2. Get a tattoo of Cloris Leachman on your butt cheek
1. Make love to your wife, then rest the other 59 minutes
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “I discover your continent, and the only honor I get is a lousy sale at Sears?”
9. “If I knew it was gonna lead to Jersey Shore, I think I woulda stayed in Spain.”
8. “I’m 560 years old; I should be gettin’ all kinds of discounts!”
7. “What’s Joan Collins doing these days?”
6. “I see where cloth has become so rare, some of your celebrities have resorted to wearing meat!”
5. “We had a ‘Don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy on the Santa Maria, as well.”
4. “I’d be hard pressed to say which was the greater discovery: America, or the Snuggie.”
3. “How would I get to the city called ‘Me, Ohio’?”
2. “Why is the bottom of my boat covered with oil?”
1. “I can’t believe my old pal Larry King is finally going off the air.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Has pictures of Barry Bonds all over his bedroom
9. During gym class rope climb, he yanked down half the ceiling
8. He’s always Googling “the best way to get around urine tests”
7. His personal trainer: Alex Rodriguez’s cousin
6. This year he’s a starting fullback; last year he was an oboist in the school band
5. Buys all his clothes at Big, Tall & ’Roidy
4. Makes Lou Ferrigno look like Justin Bieber
3. He shaves twice a day, and he’s in the fifth grade
2. His right arm is enormous, and he doesn’t masturbate
1. He doesn’t masturbate, because there’s nothing to hold onto
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “When my last roommate gave me any trouble, I just beat him with a sockful of nickels.”
9. “What’s the point of having two beds in this room?”
8. “I’m studying the flesh-eating virus, so all these drawers here are off limits.”
7. “Hope you don’t mind all the Justin Bieber posters.”
6. “Oh, Glenn Beck is like God to me!”
5. “So which are you, Team Edward or Team Jacob?”
4. “Hi, I’m Steven, but on the weekends I’m Stephanie.”
3. “Seriously, some of Al-Qaeda’s principles aren’t as crazy as they sound.”
2. “I haven’t stopped crying since I found out the Cathy comic strip was ending.”
1. “Goodnight snuggle?”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Origami
9. House Sitting
8. Forensic Musicology
7. Spitballing
6. Betamax Repair
5. Competitive Eating
4. Congressional Ethics
3. Sculpting with Tarballs
2. Latin
1. Bong Maintenance
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You’ve only ever heard of it in the PennySaver
9. The college application was an insert in a McDonald’s menu
8. It’s run by defrocked nuns
7. The only book in the library has already been colored in
6. Last year’s commencement speaker was Justin Bieber
5. They spell it “U. N. I. V. E. R. C. I. T. Y.”
4. They boast “fewer felons on the faculty than last year”
3. The photo on the cover of the college catalogue: Snooki
2. The “Dean’s office” is a ’57 Buick
1. Most famous alumnus: Rod Blagojevich
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You mentally divide your summer into two parts: pre and post firecracker incident
9. You have gills and you live in the Gulf
8. The only action you got at the beach all summer was when a horsefly flew into your trunks
7. First name “Tony.” Last name “Hayward”
6. Most of the phone calls you received all summer long were from Mel Gibson
5. The only summer job you could find was as a suntan lotion applier for the cast of Jersey Shore
4. You have no idea who Pedro is, but you woke up with his name tattooed on your back
3. The closest you got to a summer fling was kissing Grandma at the Labor Day barbecue
2. What everyone else thinks is a sunburn is actually a rash
1. The highlight of your summer: Reading this top ten list
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. For in-flight meals, the main course is whatever birds fly into the engines.
9. Pay toilets and a five-drink minimum.
8. During cold and flu season, all afflicted passengers are entitled to one suck off the communal lozenge.
7. Standing room only.
6. In-flight entertainment consists of three gay flight attendants doing their version of Streetcar.
5. Salted peanuts: Free. Bottled water: $10 a bottle.
4. Oxygen mask compartments replaced with overpriced vending machine snacks.
3. All meals: BYOB.
2. Copilots considered “optional.”
1. Seatbelt rentals.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Instead of freakishly large floppy shoes, the funniest shoes the clowns can afford are size 15
9. The ‘fire eater’ is just some guy chomping on extra spicy chili peppers
8. Their ‘clown’ is a transvestite Lady Gaga impersonator
7. The trapeze artiste has a seatbelt
6. The ‘bearded lady’ has a suspicious bulge in the groinal area
5. The supposed ‘baby elephant’ looks suspiciously like a bulldog that’s been ‘altered’
4. The cotton candy is guaranteed 100% cotton
3. Twenty clowns don’t pile out of a teeny weeny car, just one really fat clown
2. When you look closely at the tamer’s lion, there’s a zipper
1. Instead of popcorn, they sell trail mix made from tent sweepings
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Order all your martinis “neat”.
9. Make your morning coffee using lawn dew.
8. Only flush on alternate Thursdays.
7. Wear disposable clothing.
6. Have your entire church group shower together.
5. In the fall, have your gardeners use an air blower instead of a hose to corral that last leaf.
4. Trade in your geraniums for cacti.
3. In the same way your toilet will use less water if you put a brick in your water tank, you yourself will drink less water if you put a brick in your bladder.
2. Fill your swimming pool with ethanol.
1. Brush your teeth with orange juice.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. He insists all rescues be pre-approved
9. He spends the entire day chasing seagulls and shouting to see if he can scare the poop out of them
8. Instead of a whistle, he uses a piano
7. Every day he comes to work in full Shrek makeup
6. He’s mad as hell ’cause the CPR dummy keeps refusing his advances
5. He got a life-size tattoo portrait of David Hasselhoff all over his body — and he’s five-two
4. He keeps trying to give himself the kiss of life
3. He enjoys wearing a plasticine fin on his back and panicking tourists
2. He has a steering wheel mounted on his big lifeguard’s chair, and he loves to steer his way through the universe
1. Instead of rubbing sunblock on his nose, he uses vanilla pudding
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Did you catch Hillary’s lace pantsuit?”
9. “Bill and one of the bridesmaids are missing.”
8. “Look! It’s the Salahis!”
7. “Who’s playing the part of Chelsea?”
6. “This is the closest we could get to a royal wedding?! We never should have left the British Empire!”
5. “Bill and another one of the bridesmaids are missing.”
4. “Reinforce the perimeter! Roger Clinton’s trying to crash the wedding!”
3. “This is even bigger than the Bristol Palin-Levi Johnston wedding!”
2. “Now Bill and all of the bridesmaids are missing.”
1. “Who let that Marc Mezvinsky in here? Oh, he’s the groom?”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “It’s so hot, I just killed a guy for asking, ‘Hot enough for ya?’.”
9. “It’s so hot, Mel Gibson actually appreciates the cold shoulder his ex-girlfriend is giving him.”
8. “It’s so hot, the cows are giving evaporated milk.”
7. “It’s so hot, my car’s GPS lady keeps directing me towards Canada.”
6. “It’s so hot, Amy Winehouse tested positive for Slurpees.”
5. “It’s so hot, the fish are sweating.”
4. “It’s so hot, I saw a squirrel handling his nuts with tongs.”
3. “It’s so hot, President Obama’s motorcade was spotted outside a Dairy Queen.”
2. “It’s so hot, Dick Cheney was caught waterboarding himself.”
1. “It’s so hot, Lindsay Lohan said she was actually looking forward to spending some time in the ‘cooler’.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Your locker mate in the Minors was Ty Cobb.
9. Your seeing-eye dog won’t stop barking at the catcher.
8. Instead of using pine tar on your bat, you’re using Super Poligrip.
7. You ask the hot dog vendor if he’s got any prunes.
6. You’re older than the hot dogs he’s selling.
5. Instead of a stretch, you opt for the Seventh Inning Nap.
4. After you slide into third, you can’t get up again.
3. When you get to first, you ask the first baseman, “Which way’s second?”
2. You get winded standing up for The National Anthem.
1. After several practice swings in the on-deck circle, you realize what you’re actually swinging is your cane.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You’re also supposed to wait half an hour after making love.
9. We could be just like that scene out there: buoy meets gull!
8. Okay if I rub this suntan lotion places the sun doesn’t reach?
7. That white stuff on my nose isn’t sunscreen.
6. How would you like to be Hasselhoffed?
5. I’ll show you a pool toy you can play with.
4. Wow! Your body can be used as a flotation device!
3. Help! I’m drowning!…In your eyes!
2. My high chair or yours?
1. Okay if I practice my mouth-to-mouth?
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The slogan above the entranceway: All Parents Pay Up Front!
9. Every night at midnight, your bunkmate likes to go “pretend berserk” with a steak knife
8. All those late-night lectures about ‘Allah’ and ‘virgins’
7. The only “facility” available is a nearby lake
6. They let you build black snowmen out of tarballs on the local beach
5. All day, all the counselors talk about is how hunky Justin Bieber is
4. The cuisine: possum jerky and RC Cola
3. The Camp’s Indian name translates as ‘Winding Trails and Sheer Cliffs’
2. Each night, two hours of intimately checking each other for ticks
1. The horse they’re dragging you around on isn’t responding
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You have a mirror strategically placed on the ceiling so you can watch television over the pile of junk between the couch and the t.v.
9. Your bathroom has hot and cold running roaches
8. Is cheese supposed to make noise?
7. Your Christmas tree is still up – from the Reagan Years
6. You’ve given your dust bunnies names
5. After photos of your home were posted online, you started getting Care packages from Haiti
4. When you open the fridge door, the light makes all the food suddenly stop moving
3. You’ve taken up sculpting, building your sculptures from lint and dust
2. BP Oil executives have officially declared your kitchen/bathroom area ‘unsalvageable’
1. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come inside
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. They gave you a “World’s Greatest Dad” mug, but they crossed out ‘Greatest’ and wrote in ‘Largest.’
9. They’ve sent several anonymous letters to the Arizona legislature concerning your immigration status.
8. They save the term ‘Daddy’ for the FedEx guy.
7. They bought you a toaster and claim it’s “shower safe.”
6. They bought you a recently caught Gulf Coast trout.
5. Their nickname for you is ‘The Sperm Donor’.
4. They tell everyone they’re adopted, and their real dad is a homeless alcoholic.
3. They bought their mother The Big Book of Divorce Attorneys.
2. They keep telling neighborhood gangs you have the ability to catch bullets with your bare hands.
1. For Father’s Day, they gave you a Do-It-Yourself Vasectomy Kit.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Once you start driving a Toyota, you’ll never stop!
9. Look out, we’re comin’ through!
8. Toyota. Moving forward! Whether you want to or not!
7. Click! Vroom! Yikes!
6. Have you driven into a Ford lately?
5. Toyota. Get the Feeling. Of Terror!
4. Accelerating the future!
3. Holy cow, even we had no idea the Prius could do 100!
2. The power of dreams! The reality of nightmares!
1. Give us a break!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
