10. He insists all rescues be pre-approved

9. He spends the entire day chasing seagulls and shouting to see if he can scare the poop out of them

8. Instead of a whistle, he uses a piano

7. Every day he comes to work in full Shrek makeup

6. He’s mad as hell ’cause the CPR dummy keeps refusing his advances

5. He got a life-size tattoo portrait of David Hasselhoff all over his body — and he’s five-two

4. He keeps trying to give himself the kiss of life

3. He enjoys wearing a plasticine fin on his back and panicking tourists

2. He has a steering wheel mounted on his big lifeguard’s chair, and he loves to steer his way through the universe

1. Instead of rubbing sunblock on his nose, he uses vanilla pudding
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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Bob Sullivan

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.

Latest posts by Bob Sullivan (Posts)

• Top ten reasons this will be my last Top Ten List - April 30, 2018
• Top ten more syntax one-liners - April 23, 2018
• Top ten more alcohol one-liners - April 16, 2018
• Top ten more dog one-liners - April 9, 2018
• Top ten revelations in the Stormy Daniels 60 Minutes interview - April 2, 2018

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