April 13, 2009
I dream I am still in school and the teacher is having students with crystal wine glasses attached to their heads communicate by tapping the glasses with little sticks. The teacher has to leave for a few minutes and we see that the entire school is leaving. Most people start filing out, and I’m curious about what’s going on. Evidently, there had been a presentation on the Nazi holocaust in the auditorium and students were tired of hearing about it. A young man comes to the room with an elaborate visual aid which, by manipulating its many flaps, can change a Star of David into a swastika.

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May 19, 2009
I dream I hear a big ruckus in Daniel’s room. My mother and father are in there and making a big fuss over him. His room is beautifully furnished and filled with elegant, swirling curtains, some red and some black. They stage arguments in different costumes in front of different combinations of curtains. I feel neglected. I try to create a scene of my own in which I eat chicken wings and throw them at my mother.

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March 10, 2009
I dream I must go to Home Depot to purchase a planter for my wife, Gail. Gail is delighted with the planter, and insists that we bring it when we go to a spook house at a seashore amusement pier. I don’t want to be scared, but Gail insists that we go. Somehow, I wind up at the comedy show of my friend, Dave, who is performing with my sister-in-law, Helaine. Their act seems to be falling flat. Afterwards, when Dave asks me how it went, I explain that a) it’s not much of an act and b) he should have teamed up with me.

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May 19, 2009
I dream it is snowing and I am at work at a combination university and hotel complex. Much to our surprise, various structures around the facility start to crumble. The entire campus is livid about the arrogant and obviously incompetent architect who is responsible for these problems. There is nothing to do but go home, so I crawl over bleachers filled with people and rubble. Just near the exit I find an ice cream freezer. I ransack the freezer and give the spoils to the people.

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March 12, 2009
I dream I have a top secret government job and I push an enormous gun on wheels into a gymnasium. There is a banner stretched across poles and when I shoot it the banner disintegrates. I bring one of my underlings to the gym and I have her push the gun into position and shoot at another banner. This time the gun shoots, but the banner is invulnerable. She shoots again. The bad guys have come up with a new fortified banner.

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June 13, 2009
I dream a production of All My Sons is to open at school in a week. It has yet to be cast and it does not have a director. I try to convince Bea Arthur to direct. Bea doesn’t want to do it in one week, so I’m stuck with it myself. The students are reluctant to audition because they want to do something funnier. I assure them that Arthur Miller is hilarious.

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June 10, 2009
I dream I am in a faceoff with three men. One suddenly runs with superhuman speed towards a mirror and disappears into another dimension. I am left facing a vampire and a man with a mysterious hole in his back. I have in my hand a hook-like contraption that shoots, but I know that before I can shoot it I have to cock it, and by the time I cock it the man with the hole in his back will kill me. The man demands that I take my hook-like instrument, stick it into the hole in his back and see if it does anything. I know he’s toying with me, but I obey. He points out that it’s not killing him, but it’s very painful. I pull the weapon out immediately. The vampire is amused.

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May 22, 2009
I dream I am at the buffet outside the Broadway show, Wicked. A family stops me and insists I sit with them. I say I have to sit with my wife, but they absolutely have to talk to me. The woman holds my hand and starts reading my fortune. She tells me a number of things about myself that are true, but also sort of obvious. I tell her that she is full of shit and if she tries to talk to me again I’m going to call the police. Then, when I sit down with my wife, a woman walks by and says she needs money for a new vagina. I tell her new vaginas are at the other end of the buffet. Finally, I try to put on my shoes in front of an audio animatronic Oz diorama. My shoes, however, are baby-sized. The servers are amazed that I get my feet into them. [Read more →]

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May 23, 2009
I dream I have a new method of subduing a snake. I leave a phone book opened and wait for a snake to slither across its pages. Then, using a long stick, I flip the phone book closed. It doesn’t hurt the snake, but it’s just heavy enough to keep the snake from moving around. I am proud of my innovation. [Read more →]

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May 11, 2009
I dream I am in a glass elevator in the tallest building in Beijing. It terrifies me to go up to the top. Nevertheless, I stay in the elevator and go to the top repeatedly. I am working as some kind of celebrity support staff and I am in the elevator with a columnist who has diamond encrusted eyeballs. [Read more →]

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March 20, 2009
I dream I am embarrassed to be in a supermarket with my mother. I tell her that I will get her a cart and put saltine crackers into it and then give it to her and meet afterwards. I am crestfallen to discover that they are out of saltine crackers and therefore I can’t complete my task. On the way home, I get turned around. Fortunately, I have with me a small model of a car which contains the soul of the car I’m driving. I get out when the traffic is slow and I turn around my model car with the assumption that this will fix things with the car I’m driving. It doesn’t work and I am stuck on the road. People honk. [Read more →]

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March 16, 2009
I dream I am still in graduate school and living in a boarding house. Elderly people start hanging out in my room during the day. They are all around and in my bed. This annoys me. I call the landlord’s office to complain and a man I can barely understand says “Blah Blah Blah three seventy-five.” I say, “I can’t understand you,” and he talks more slowly. I complain and complain and then, when I can’t complain any longer I ask “By the way, what did you say about three seventy-five?” He says “This conversation is $3.75 a minute.” I hang up and vow to get these people. [Read more →]

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April 14, 2009
I dream I’m just outside of New York City on the day of Dumbledore’s wedding and there is a strange plant growing in the fountain at the reception site. The plant troubles me, but Dumbledore just looks at it knowingly. Obviously, evil forces are planning something bad. A few days later frogs confirm this and Dumbledore and I have to evade an enormous underwater monster who is out to flood the world. Meanwhile, in the city, some officials complain about the drought. Mickey Mouse, who has become incorporated into some nearby skyscrapers, bends the buildings over causing some residual water to pour from the rooftops into the center of town. This saves the city from drought. [Read more →]

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April 19, 2009
I dream I am watching an avant garde production of Fiddler on the Roof. The leading role of Tevye, played by an actor who resembles Santa Claus, is an out gay man who is having affairs with various characters. Furthermore, he wears a turban and no shirt, so obviously the characters are not Jewish. This production, set in the Middle East, contradicts every aspect of the original. [Read more →]

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March 24, 2009
I dream I am in a community theater production of How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying. We are performing in an enormous high school auditorium and the show is finally over. I have last curtain call because I am playing Finch, but the co-starring role of J. B. Biggley is played by a diminutive version of Danny Kaye. In Diminutive Kaye’s contract he gets to sing extra songs during the curtain call. Right before I am supposed to bow, Diminutive Kaye starts singing a medley of songs. Everybody on stage gradually leaves but Diminutive Kaye just keeps singing. I never get to bow. [Read more →]

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March 14, 2009
I dream I am in an oblong kitchen in a strange apartment building with celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain. He shows a stunt oven. First he turns it up as high as it will go, then he gets in. He withstands the heat for several minutes. He emerges unscathed and triumphant. There is a reception for him afterwards and Drew Barrymore and I walk in the snow. I am very clingy. [Read more →]

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February 17, 2009
I dream I have just completed a standardized test at school and it’s time to return Eva’s lucky rubber band. I hold the rubber band up to put it on Eva’s wrist and she reluctantly holds up her arm. I am confused to see that her hand is missing. Eva explains that she is sensitive about her missing hand and she works very hard to conceal it. Later, I see that she uses an extra fake hand and she artfully arranges herself so that her hand appears to be attached. I want to check my email, so I go to the large common office area but I can’t find my computer. Wealthy people are using the room for fine dining. [Read more →]

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March 9, 2009
I dream I am in Las Vegas, but not on the strip. It’s time to go home and as I walk through a park I see an animal with the body of a kangaroo, but with a much more frightening head. At first, I play it cool and try to walk slowly but purposefully. The animal sees me and starts coming towards me. I run for the meeting place and just make it. Dave assures me the animal is fake, but I know it isn’t. [Read more →]

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August 19, 2008
I dream I get mixed up with Eastern European rugby players, but the game they’re playing is not rugby. It involves whacking pieces of plastic with brooms. I find myself involved, not only with their sport, but with walking their mascots, one of which is mangled by a ferocious weasel owned by one of my foolish teammates. The old people who control the sport are furious. [Read more →]

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November 10, 2008
I dream I am a superhero or avenger type indulging in one of my favorite hobbies: walking through amusement park spook house rides and examining spook house artifacts. As I climb through very late at night I get wind of a competing hero who is plotting my demise. I run around a shopping center in circles in an attempt to draw the competing hero out. My plan is to turn a corner very quickly and then when she turns to follow me I change my direction and leap towards her. In this scenario, we collide and I knock her out. My plan fails because, wisely, she does not follow me. [Read more →]

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