Kafka the quarterback Scott Stein, August 5, 2010August 6, 2010 I’ve just discovered that the third-string quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles is named Mike Kafka. It’s a tale that cannot end well. While most NFL players simply have to succeed on the field, Kafka has larger problems. Try as Kafka might, he cannot learn what plays the Eagles want him to run — the playbook is kept from him by mysterious authorities; despite his many inquiries he cannot find the stadium — even though he always seems about to arrive, it remains just beyond his reach; he is accused of breaking league rules, but no one will tell him what crime he has committed or how he might defend himself against the unspoken charges; Kafka is tortured by feelings of unworthiness and knows he can never measure up to his father; and despite devoting himself to his family and working himself to exhaustion to provide them with his hefty NFL paycheck, in the moment of his greatest need his own family, even his beloved sister, will wish he were dead and leave him to starve to death as he gives up on life. (Photo from philadelphiaeagles.com) Author BioLatest Posts Scott Stein Scott Stein's most recent novels are The Great American Deception, which received a starred review from Publishers Weekly, and The Great American Betrayal, which Vulture.com named one of "The Best Comedy Books of 2022." His older novels are Lost and Mean Martin Manning and his short satire and fiction have been published in The Oxford University Press Humor Reader, McSweeney's,The G.W. Review, Points in Case, Liberty, National Review, and Art Times. He is a professor of English at Drexel University. His author site is scottsteinonline.com and you can find him on Bluesky at sstein.bsky.social. Latest posts by Scott Stein (Posts) When Up Was Down - March 6, 2026 What Trump did for hours with underage victim at Jeffrey Epstein’s house - November 12, 2025 People who didn’t win a Nobel Peace Prize - October 10, 2025 New TV shows approved by the FCC - September 18, 2025 Other controversial statements that can get you fired in 2025 - September 15, 2025 books sports Franz Kafkamike kafkaPhiladelphia Eagles
He is damn lucky that Dennis Miller is no longer working the MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL booth, because we’d constantly be hearing “That pass was positively Kafkaesque, Al!” or “I was talking to Coach Reid before the game about Kafka’s immersion into Yiddish literature, and the big guy farted on me!”
You’ve inspired me, Scott. I’ll have to whip out a “Post in the Key of Scott.” Imagine the possibilities. You could have a narcissistic film-maker named Milos Favre and his streak of 246 consecutive films with sad endings; a quarterback named Donovan Kubrick whose play is marked by an “open narrative” interpretation of the West Coast Offense and a disquieting stillness in the pocket; etc. Awesome!
Michael, But keep in mind that Kafka is actually a quarterback for the Eagles. I didn’t make that up.
@Scott Oh I know. I’ve got an Eagles roster right in front of me in my season preview edition of PRO FOOTBALL WEEKLY. Plus, the young buck played in my old stomping grounds (the Big 10). Not that I spent a minute of my life at Northwestern, but still, I actually applied to attend college there (and was subsequently rejected).