10. The Home Neutering Kit
9. Miss Piggy’s Big Bag O’ Pork
8. Gasp! – The Dry Cleaner Bag Game
7. Mr. Wizard’s Acid Factory
6. Fontanelle Lawn Darts
5. Hello Kitty Tiki Torches
4. Pin the Tail On the Family Dog
3. Mattel’s Bathtub Surge Protector
2. Baby’s First Nail Gun
1. Easy Bake Sushi
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Law & Order 2: Electric Boogaloo
9. How I Met Your Accountant
8. Mad Cows
7. The Quantum Field Theory
6. So You Think You Can Play the Accordion
5. Grey’s Biochemistry
4. America’s Funniest Voicemails
3. CSI: Bayonne
2. Extreme Makeover: Prison Edition
1. Dancing with the Has-Beens
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. While slicing the pumpkin pie, you cut your finger and gravy came out
9. Your belly button, formerly an innie, is now an outie
8. People kept saying, “Happy Thanksgiving, Gov. Christie!”
7. NASA is considering one more mission to photograph the other side of you
6. A policeman came up to you and ordered you to disperse
5. You just woke up from your tryptophan coma
4. You’ve gotten inquiries from the Guinness World Records people
3. Old Country Buffet just issued a lifetime ban
2. Your relatives took a picture of you in your Pilgrim outfit, and it’s still printing
1. You just caught the flesh eating bacteria, and were given 67 years to live
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Homo for the Holidays
9. Makin’ Gravy
8. Deep Turkey
7. Pull My Wishbone!
6. Debbie Does Plymouth
5. Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Gay Pride Parade
4. Butter Balls
3. Do You Want A Breast Or A Thigh?
2. Poke-ahontas
1. Go Ahead and Stuff It!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Yes We Cain!
9. Let’s Stop China Before They Get Nukes!
8. Our Guy’s Blacker Than Your Guy!
7. Obama May Be Able — And We All Know Who Slew Abel!
6. Favorite Politician Of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan!
5. Vote For Me And I’ll Make That Smokin’ Guy VP!
4. I Was Referring To Pizza When I Told Those Women To “Hold The Sausage”!
3. Herman Cain — Very Clintonesque!
2. I Just Love Raisin’ A Little Cain! (Wink Wink)
1. Hands On! And Pants Off!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Cooked 20 three-minute eggs
9. Tried to make sense out of Rick Perry’s words
8. Saw who was the fastest at saying “Irish wristwatch” ten times in a row
7. Shared a bottle of wine, then playing “Irish wristwatch” again
6. Speculated on Rebecca Black’s singing career
5. Watched The Best of Two and a Half Men 30 times
4. Wrote a fan letter to Cloris Leachman
3. Sudoku! Sudoku! Sudoku!
2. Tried to re-set the clock on their VCR
1. Made love to the wife, then took a nap for the other 59 minutes
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Good N’ Grunty
9. Stutterfinger
8. Gecko Wafers
7. Boston Baked Limabeans
6. N&Ns
5. Soy Milky Way
4. Bengali Rancher
3. Baby Ruth Buzzi
2. Cadbury Creme Eggs and Ham
1. Dixie Chicks Pixy Stix
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You saw the nurse filling the syringe with Diet Snapple
9. It makes you so delirious, you seriously start considering voting for Michele Bachmann
8. It has a 100 percent guarantee from Dr. Kevorkian
7. It’s FDA approval is from the Florida Dental Association
6. After injecting you, the doctor offers to sell you the antidote for another hundred bucks
5. The “clinic” is in the backseat of a ’54 Chevy
4. You notice the diploma on the doctor’s office wall is from Hamburger U.
3. Right after getting it, you start shaking like Rick Perry at an NAACP rally
2. You got the shot from a door-to-door grifter
1. The label claims it’s also effective against Cooties
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. As a youth, he was always having wet dreams
9. They were thrown together when he was out scuba diving one day and accidentally got caught up in a tuna net
8. After seeing the recent Morgan Freeman movie, he was inspired to go out and get some of that ‘dolphin tail’
7. He loves the ocean, but felt a non-mammal would be a bit too kinky
6. He was trying to make his goldfish jealous
5. In his teens, he completely flipped for Flipper
4. He thought a killer whale might be a bit too risky
3. He didn’t fall in love with her on porpoise
2. There was just something about her ‘come hither’ blowhole
1. He always heard Finnish girls were the best
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Speculating how far it was to India
9. Having a three-way race, with the Pinta taking the lead
8. Passing around suggestive drawings of Queen Isabella
7. Polishing the mizzenmast
6. Buffing the plank
5. Waxing the harpoon
4. Oiling the cannon
3. Wondering if they’d get Columbus Day off
2. Holding their weekly ‘couples only’ dance
1. Sudoku! Sudoku! Sudoku!
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “All of this year’s required textbooks are by L. Ron Hubbard”
9. “We’re working with a local prison this year on a new program called ‘Scared Smart’”
8. “So, over the summer, did that thumb-sucking problem ever clear up?”
7. “Good news! Instead of dissecting a frog in Biology this year, we were lucky enough to procure the remains of the recently deceased James Arness!”
6. “Those with head lice, please line up on this side of the gymnasium”
5. “I is your new English teacher”
4. “Today’s lecture on Evolution will be delivered by guest speaker Michele Bachmann”
3. “I’m your gym teacher, and I say that’s what wrestlers wore during the original Olympics: nothing!”
2. “Today, for a change of pace, we’ll be pledging allegiance to the Powers of Darkness”
1. “Your grades will be determined by how well you rub my feet”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Fart History
9. Print Journalism
8. Forensic Reflexology
7. Fax Machine Repair
6. Congressional Ethics
5. Ufology
4. Competitive Dwarf Tossing
3. Farrah Fawcett-Majors
2. American Economics
1. Grifting
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The “Registrar’s Office” is actually the back of a ’56 Buick
9. The school motto is “Truth, Justice, Tuition Hikes”
8. The school cafeteria is just a candy vending machine
7. You first heard about the college on the back of a pack of matches
6. The college asks that you pay your tuition up front, in cash, no large bills
5. The History professor teaches how the ‘Good Guys’ lost the Civil War
4. George W. is on the cover of the yearbook
3. All the professors are on some sort of work release program
2. There are no Asians anywhere
1. The school library has only three books, and two of them involve finding Waldo
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Cheney’s eighth great-grandfather, William Cheney, immigrated from England to Massachusetts, where he shot a fellow settler in the face with his musket
9. When he was born, there was a debate whether he should be nicknamed ‘Dick,’ ‘Richie,’ or ‘the Spawn of Satan’
8. In grade school, he had a crush on his third-grade teacher, who took six weeks to recover
7. At Natrona County High School, he lettered in swimming, diving, and waterboarding
6. He flunked out of Yale University twice, citing his inability to “fit in among the living”
5. Upon graduation from the University of Wyoming, he was voted “Most Likely To Scare Young Children”
4. During the Vietnam War, he applied for and received five draft deferments, claiming he was “too gay to be handling guns”
3. When he was Vice President, he perfected the ability to drink a glass of water while Bush was speaking
2. He’s had so many heart attacks, they finally put a zipper in his chest
1. He’s always enjoyed being a Dick
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. It’s so expensive, gas stations now have a concierge service
9. It’s so expensive, oil companies have actually started inspecting their offshore rigs
8. It’s so expensive, SUV now stands for Stationary Unused Vehicle
7. It’s so expensive, drivers are shooting themselves instead of each other
6. It’s so expensive, Oprah’s audience gave their cars back
5. It’s so expensive, if you ask for five dollars worth, the attendant will just fart, and then ask if you want a receipt
4. It’s so expensive, clowns are now cramming themselves onto a bicycle
3. It’s so expensive, a gallon of Starbucks is cheaper
2. It’s so expensive, the Indy 500 is now a foot race
1. It’s so expensive, the Amish are carrying signs that say “We Told You So!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You’ve lost so much blood from mosquito bites, they’ve stopped biting you
9. That ‘travel agent’ you went to drunk turned out to be an Army recruiter
8. You go in for a spray tan and come out looking like John Boehner – which makes you cry like John Boehner
7. Your summer highlight: watching reruns of “iCarly”
6. Your eyebrows haven’t grown back since the Fourth of July
5. First name “Rod.” Last name “Blagojevich.”
4. Your vacation package is for seven days and two nights
3. Your sunburn is so bad, drivers stop at you and wait for you to change
2. Due to hard-of-hearing travel agent, instead of Cancun you wind up in Camden
1. The B&B you’re staying at evidently stands for ‘bed’ and ‘bugs’
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “It’s so hot, Arnold Schwarzenegger’s having an affair with the counter lady at Baskin-Robbins.”
9. “It’s so hot, Dick Cheney was caught waterboarding himself.”
8. “It’s so hot, street people are making their own gravy.”
7. “It’s so hot, Charlie Sheen tested positive for Slurpees.”
6. “It’s so hot, I saw an Amish guy buying an air conditioner.”
5. “It’s so hot, former IMF boss Dominique Strauss-Kahn said he was looking forward to spending some time in the cooler.”
4. “It’s so hot, chickens are laying omelets.”
3. “It’s so hot, my car’s GPS lady keeps directing me towards Canada.”
2. “It’s so hot, Hillary Clinton’s been wearing her pantsuit without the pants.”
1. “It’s so hot, Anthony Weiner actually appreciates his wife giving him the cold shoulder.”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. When you slide into second, you misplace your hip
9. Willie Mays helped you with your stance
8. You’re the only outfielder with a walker
7. When you get to first, you ask for directions to second
6. You get winded standing for The National Anthem
5. Your rookie card is in black and white
4. When buying steroids, you try to get an AARP discount
3. Instead of pine tar on your bat, you’re using Poligrip
2. When everyone else is having their Seventh Inning Stretch, you’re taking your Seventh Inning Nap
1. You try to run around the bases on your Rascal Scooter
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Anthony Weiner’s image consultant
9. Parka salesman
8. Suicide bomber
7. Amish air conditioner repairman
6. Lindsay Lohan’s bail bondsman
5. Apprentice crackwhore
4. Public pool pee monitor
3. Chris Christie’s lotion boy
2. Shark bait
1. What, people still have jobs?
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The Green Bay Groinpulls
9. The Utica Underachievers
8. The San Diego Chickens
7. The Boston Beibers
6. The Albuquerque Herky-Jerkies
5. The Seattle Steroids
4. The Fightin’ Amish
3. The San Francisco Prissies
2. The Major League Assholes
1. The Washington Weiners
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
