In addition to being an avid runner and a foodie, I spend a lot of my free time as an amateur archeologist. On a recent dig, I came across what is perhaps my most amazing find since the Neanderthal enemata: An ancient and very primitive type of “newspaper,” carved on a large piece of flat stone.

The stone contained a number of interesting “stories,” which I was able to translate due to my also being a skilled linguist well-versed in ancient languages. What follows is an item that I would classify as a very early “editorial.” As you’ll see, the caveman days weren’t as carefree and easy as we’ve been led to believe. In fact, there were many controversies raging:

Stop “a wheel” before make rolling move over children innocence

Telling by Foo Thik

Foo Thik hear about new create thing come from Tril Pop. Tril Pop create thing that shape in sort of circle way, with hole in middle. Make what call rolling move. Tril Pop call create thing a “wheel.”

Foo Thik not like this new thing call “a wheel.” Foo Thik worry about what “a wheel” do to our children. “A wheel” make caveman children less innocent. [Read more →]

Tags: family & parenting, politics & government by Ricky Sprague
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When I heard that Tom Petty wanted Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann to stop using one of his songs at campaign rallies, my first thought was, “Didn’t former Democrat presidential nominee and all-around sleazy guy John Edwards use a Tom Petty song at his campaign rallies?”

Yes, he did.

Edwards speeches were filled with references to fighting corporations and American revolutionaries, often urging his listeners to rise up against special interests. Through 2007 and 2008, Tom Petty’s “I Won’t Back Down” could be heard in a repertoire of Edwards campaign songs that fit his themes and underlined his message. In gearing up for the New Hampshire primary in August 2007, for example, Edwards spoke in the town of Hookset. After the event, the campaign played “I Won’t Back Down” as Edwards shook hands of supporters on the way to boarding his “Fighting for One America” campaign bus.

If you follow the link above, you will also see that Petty actually performed the song “I Won’t Back Down” for Al Gore and his supporters, after Mr. Gore “backed down” from the 2000 presidential race. It was also used by former New York attorney general Eliot Spitzer, who has now fallen so low that he hosts a nightly program on CNN.

Anyway, having thus refreshed my memory, a second question naturally came to mind: “Why would TEA Party stalwart Michele Bachmann want to associate herself with Al Gore, Eliot Spitzer, and John Edwards in the minds of voters?” I tell you honestly, I will not vote for anyone who is in any way, even remotely associated with those people. In fact, I will not associate with anyone who has voted for any of those people, or who would even consider voting for any of those people. I would not associate with anyone who would even think of those people. If I could, I would stop associating with myself, because I actually thought about those people. Why can’t I go into a fugue state or something? I think it would be beneficial in a lot of ways. [Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, politics & government by Ricky Sprague
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Recent and blatant toying with the time stream has spun off other reality-bending side effects. These are revealed in phenomena that are reaching out far beyond the control of the Department of Corrections threatening to crush our world under the weight of replicating paradoxes. Paradox Poisoning, like most infectious diseases, strikes the very young, very old and those with pre-existing enfeeblements the hardest so, as always, it is wise to pay close attention to Chris Matthews as you would a canary in a coal mine. It is well for our own safety that we do not have to get too close. Modern crowd-sourcing techniques, like those arrayed against the tundra monster Palin allow us to keep a safe distance, crucial, as when the collapse comes the vortex will first whirl out of Matthews well-snugged cravat, engorged on his voluminous but empty melon. The latest evidence is a nationally transmitted spasm of erupting nonsequiturs and self-contradictions that seemed to indicate the Big Crunch was underway but Matthews survived this crisis, clearly due to a diet rich in riboflavin and gin. I provide the link for documentary reasons but no need to endanger your own existence as we will examine this specimen through the safe filter of text. [Read more →]

Tags: politics & government, terror & war by Ken Watson
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Gimme your cash, bitch so we can shoot up da screet!

Gimme your cash, bitch so we can buy some more heat!

Gimme your cash, ho so we can get out da pen!

Gimme some cash, ho cuz we back in again!

As rap songs go, that’s pretty tame by existing standards, as is the video. The artists call themselves Splack Pack, and the hook is a straight sample from their breakout hit Shake That Ass, Bitch from their album, Big Booty Hits. And there is a bit of controversy. So, is it Phyllis Schlafly and Tipper Gore complaining about the exploitation/glorification of gang culture with its violence and misogyny? That would be a no. This infectious jam is actually a political ad aimed at one Janice Hahn running in a presumably safe Democratic district in Los Angeles. [Read more →]

Tags: politics & government, trusted media & news by Ken Watson
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They say two thousand and thirteen party over, oops!

Fucked ourselves!

So for now we oughta party like its two thousand and twelve!

Since licensing and copyrights are as doomed to imminent collapse as the rest of civilization I will appropriate my soundtrack from Prince and he can come collect if he wants. That’s not just me talking, with the collapse stuff. Not anymore. Ben Bernanke publicly declares mystification that his voodoo economics have come a-cropper. Bill Clinton and Al Gore are driven to public denunciations by their disappointments with the President, each of which are cataclysmic one way or the other. The most damning news comes from the Great Man’s own mouth in his brief (for a change) address of last night. Obama arrives to disclaim the actions and events of the last two years excepting only the Abbottobad triumph. You remember that, when the President headbutted Osama and snapped his neck like so much celery? But no fear, he’s now on the job; rested, ready, with a four handicap and prepared to tackle the crapulent legacy that is America. [Read more →]

Tags: money, politics & government by Ken Watson
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A half-baked clone of Snagglepuss by the name of Huntsman has announced his enthusiastic intent to join the scrum of  the Republican Primaries. He commandeers the best view of the Statue of Liberty to do so. One would think that schmaltz like this would be in heavy demand, but no. Only twice before has a Presidential candidate made their debut here. One was Pete Wilson, modestly competent Governor of California. The other was Ronald Wilson Reagan. Old Pete hoped to trade on his commonality of office and, hilariously, of name, to ladle some sweet Reaganny goodness over his own head which would be punctuated by the familiar location. This seems to have failed but Huntsman is up to give it another go. [Read more →]

Tags: politics & government, terror & war by Ken Watson
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Some unseen and unforeseen harmonic convergence has put the state of Georgia into a prominent position in national politics she has not occupied since the Carter years. The insurgent Cain is a homeboy well known to other crackers. Media conceit that he has “come from nowhere” is somewhat insulting. The Fair Tax is a baroque scheme, probably preferable to our current tax system, that has been a local hobbyhorse for a decade. Only now are Cain and its other champions bringing it to the country at large. Our new immigration laws which are typical of those sweeping through state legislatures have drawn international litigation and news scrutiny. Our media market, a piffle compared to the coastal giants has never the less birthed some prominent voices like Hannity (sorry, America) and the croaking Libertarian Neal Boortz who are now heard and (thankfully, less often) seen on ubiquitous airwaves. But our most famous export has been a clinker. That is a garden gnome cast in the fires of Kennesaw Mountain by what hand we know not. Of course this is that fellow with the Smeagol smile whose mother called Newt. [Read more →]

Tags: politics & government, trusted media & news by Ken Watson
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10. “To prove I’m a good Democrat, I wanted to demonstrate that I lean a bit to the left.”

9. “I just love showing off Little Anthony and the Imperials.”

8. “I was confused by the term ‘junk e-mail’.”

7. “I wanted to show how hard it is to be a senator.”

6. “I was auditioning for a Calvin Klein ad.”

5. “As a forward thinker, I wanted to point the way.”

4. “I just wanted to answer the age-old question: Boxers or briefs?”

3. “When I originally said that I had been hacked, I was referring to my circumcision.”

2. “I am very proud of the staff I have under me.”

1. “For those who were confused about how to pronounce my last name, I wanted to send them a visual reminder.”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, politics & government by Bob Sullivan
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And so it comes to a close, at least for now. The Congressman bows out after a few weeks of endless humiliation. Was it the porn star? Was it the cross-dressing, vintage though it was? Was it simply, as the gentleman early on implied, merely that his name was ripe for bawdy jokes? The question is pertinent because, as we all know, what he actually did was scarcely an infraction of any sort (excepting his marriage vows) especially compared to the man he was compelled to apologize to publicly, one Bill Clinton.

Of all the gall Tony now must swallow, certainly this is the most bitter cup. As Jon Stewart put it so well, what is he apologizing to Clinton for? Copyright infringement? [Read more →]

Tags: politics & government, trusted media & news by Ken Watson
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Ever since Barack Obama was elected, a lot of pundits have asked: who will run against him in 2012? They do that because they’re paid to of course, but as the election draws nearer perhaps we should take the matter a little more seriously. Here, therefore is an E-Z cut out n’keep list of possible Republican candidates for next year’s presidential race. [Read more →]

Tags: politics & government, trusted media & news by Daniel Kalder
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The sending of photos of one’s genitalia to the object of your affection is a beautiful expression of love, desire, and trust. By exposing yourself, you are opening yourself completely to another person. There is nothing so gratifying. There is nothing so perilous. “Here I am, in all my glory,” you are saying. “Accept me, please.”

It takes strength, courage, and genuine affection to express yourself so forthrightly. [Read more →]

Tags: his & hers, politics & government by Ricky Sprague
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Tags: politics & government, travel & foreign lands by Alexander Thorburn Hoffman
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Back in 2005, while attending a live Bob Dylan show, I encountered the country stylings of his opening act, Merle Haggard. This artist’s simple songs of soil people touched me in a surprising way, and I was glad I didn’t follow my first instinct, which was to skip his act altogether. Later, I actually purchased his box set, “Down Every Road,” which features a number of his classic songs, among them the haunting lament, “I Can’t Hold Myself in Line.” This song was written in 1968, but its expression of melancholia in a world that gives humans too many choices for his own good could easily be torn from the diary — or, if you prefer, blog — of any Four Loko-drinking, Big Mac-eating, Sport Utility Vehicle-driving, Camel-smoking iPad-user today.

Hey, my weakness is stronger than I am
Guess I’ve always been the losin’ kind
Now I’m full speed ahead down the wrong road of life
And I can’t hold myself in line

[Read more →]

Tags: money, politics & government by Ricky Sprague
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Tags: politics & government by Alexander Thorburn Hoffman
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“After leaving the governor’s office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago,” Schwarzenegger told the Times in a statement that also was sent to The Associated Press early Tuesday.

The above quote was copied and pasted from an AP story (via yahoo!) regarding a certain “event” that occurred over a decade ago.

That “event”?

Former California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has acknowledged that he fathered a child with a member of his household staff, a revelation that apparently prompted wife Maria Shriver to leave the couple’s home before they announced their separation last week.

Oh, that event. When he “evented” a member of his household staff. What kind of man is Mr. Schwaretc, that the act of copulation is for him an “event”? That’s actually pretty impressive. [Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, politics & government by Ricky Sprague
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City schools in Buffalo, New York, are not exactly a shining example of the bright America we wish we could be. But, the use of a boycott to protest, draw attention to, and ultimately pout against the city’s sad state is a microcosm of modern society. It’s a small group of people who are making a lot of noise because they’re angry, and their form of protest is hurting those whom it should help. [Read more →]

Tags: education, politics & government by Dan Sterlace
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10. When he claimed on the Senate floor that abortion is “well over ninety percent of what Planned Parenthood does,” he was only off by eighty-seven percent.

9. When his spokesperson later clarified this by saying “His remark was not intended to be a factual statement,” he never said what it was intended to be.

8. At birth, Sen. Kyl’s doctors legally listed him as a hermaphrodite.

7. In his teens, he was a Junior Wizard with the Ku Klux Klan.

6. Once, in Reno, Sen. Kyl beat a man to death with a sockful of nickels, just to watch him die.

5. He was happy to become the Senate Minority Whip, owing to his extensive collection of whips and other S&M paraphernalia.

4. Sen. Kyl impregnated three of his former female Senate staffers, then made them have abortions financed by taxpayer dollars.

3. Sen. Kyl is a deep-cover mole in the Koch Brother’s covert plan to subvert the U.S. Constitution and create a plutocracy in this country.

2. Beyond this, Sen. Kyl is a deeper-cover mole working for the inhabitants of Klaxxor, a planet intending to harvest human beings for food.

1. None of the previous statements were intended to be factual.

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, politics & government by Bob Sullivan
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I had a little notion for a video project during the primaries. It would be a montage of man-on-the-street questions about McCain with each person invited to call out his name in whatever expressive fashion would strike them. That was with the assumption that mostly, like myself, these Rep primary voters would harbor some desperate exasperation over the contradictions typifying his life, his statements and his long, long career. Think of young military types ruefully but respectfully moaning, “McCain.” Then would there be an agitated old woman in red, white and blue shaking her parasol while croaking, “McCain!” Hardhats would shake their heads in bewilderment, “McCain?” A whole, modest family would cry out plaintively, “McCa-a-a-ain….. ” And of course I would act all these folks out to whomever was willing to listen to my childish fantasy. Because the fact is, if you do ask the man on the street, and he is one of few who recognize the name and is one of the precious few with any inkling of his identity you will almost certainly find that they know him only as a military man of some past accomplishment who ran against Obama for twisted reasons best left obscure. McCain may get the historical berth he has long sought, however. He has proposed a bill that would grant the President the unreviewed power to hold citizens in custody without charge and without trial. Forever. This while he makes a weepy plea not to restore waterboarding, a proposition NO ONE has brought, because squirting market-bombers with the hose is against foundational American principles. [Read more →]

Tags: on the law, politics & government by Ken Watson
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Tags: politics & government, religion & philosophy by Alexander Thorburn Hoffman
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William F Buckley was a miraculous man in several regards. Born with a platinum trust and a silver tongue he invented the Public Intellectual as we know him today; the glib proprietor of some venue, inviting in those with similar ambitions but divergent opinions for a quick flensing before a hostile scrum. He was quite nearly the inventor of modern conservatism, the ungay marriage of dusty, rarely followed moral precepts and musty, never followed fiscal principles. An iconclast, he managed to be unpredictable enough to rise to be the ONE out and proud conservative to be grudgingly admitted a modest intelligence. Somewhat famously, later in life, he made libertarian-based drug legalization his personal hobbyhorse and the open editorial position of The National Review. Less famously this came after a rather sanguine philosophical failure.

When it came to drugs, Buckley was against them before he was for ’em. The internets only reveal evidence of Mr Buckley’s climb-down; a debate he engaged in with Charlie Rangel where he opposes Rangel’s nanny-state based expansion of the nation’s longest war by far, today’s War on Drugs. But I remembers it, oh yes I does. [Read more →]

Tags: drugs & alcohol, politics & government by Ken Watson
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