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The Department of Corrections

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The first rule of timetravel is don’t touch anything, not so it would show, anyhow. Sure strangling the infant Hitler would be fun and make for some great souvenirs but your dream vacation will raise a Super-Hitler who does NOT helpfully off himself in the storeroom. Therefore when you return, things will be different; horrendously different if The Twilight Zone has taught us anything. You yourself may just go pop! like a soap bubble or if you haven’t kept your parents from meeting you will find other disappointments; Hansen was a boy band. You just said, no. And that night when you realized in the nick of time? Sorry, now it was a bit too late.

Timetravel, like salt and cooking oil, is hazardous, so must be used sparingly and responsibly. Like these commodities it should be and is controlled by the federal government. By it’s nature, timetravel, if it exists at all exists everywhere and everywhen. If timetravel is possible in any form, then timetravelers are always walking among us but they will tend to cluster around certain events that are well-trampled by the time tourist or scientist or historian. Given these givens, all we have seen in recent memory begins to make sense. What seems to be inconsistency and contradiction is the footprint of the greatest, most secretive and powerful instrument of the national interest ever chartered. Bigger and badder than Fannie and Freddie combined, it has no public name. Let us call it The Department of Corrections.

Jay Carney is either an agent of the Department of Corrections or its victim. Perhaps both. He is certainly the pivot man in this clusterfuck; the teeter in the totter. On one side is the jubilant but inquisitive public. On the other, the Administration; flacks, gunslingers, spin doctors, GI PR men, allies, competitors, fund bundlers, well wishers, dog walkers and bottle washers wearing the Big O brand. Stuck in the middle is Mr Carney.

You can see him flicker and pixelate as he regurges what has been fed to him, which he seems to do ably enough. Only this moment’s eruption is doomed to be revised, walked back, edited or denied in the next. The contradictions would be uncomfortable for any man but what we are seeing is the fraying effect of timetravel’s ravages on Reality. Conflate Mr Carney’s quantum state reflected in carpet shocks and weather disturbances with what is known or logically surmised and we can easily reconstruct the original timeline.

First off, clearly in the first iteration of the raid, Osama bin Laden was apprehended in line with the stated principles of the Holder Justice Department and Obama security policies. He was returned to the US, tried in civilian court and the charges thrown out for evidentiary reasons. This was a hard, hard lesson for O’Holder causing the Department of Corrections to undertake two missions: first Obama of the future issued the Executive Order of last week, authorizing the confinement at Guantanamo of terror suspects, even if they have been acquited or otherwise cleared in civilian courts, for the balance of their natural lives. Other than bitter personal experience, what could possibly cause today’s Obama to repudiate so fully a young Candidate Obama? Nothing else. Nothing else. Almost certainly Candidate Obama was contacted and urged to soften the torture talk and back off running down renditions, secret prisons and military tribunals. Just as clearly he was not swayed, so plan B is put in place to appeal to an unkinder but wiser Obama Term .5. The second action is more plainly attributable to the Department of Corrections. That is the order was transmitted back through time to change the raid from an apprehension operation to a straight assassination.

Well, there are some problems there, boss. For one thing as you may recall, Osama just laid down when he heard us coming in.

Just shoot ‘im. Problem?


But once that order was followed further problems erupted. The bold and forthright double-tap didn’t poll well especially in the arab world. Arson riots raged through Afghanistan, Pakistan and those islands of sharia-fans in Ameristan. Osama’s body being held in custody as so much DNA evidence also did not sit well. Photos from official sources and Black Ops cell phones burned up the internets and appeared in stenciled graffitti, on protest posters and in propaganda films.

Okay, ah, go back and put a gun in his hand.

But the staging of the scene, the origin of the gun and the inconvenient witnesses brought this one tumbling down since all became common knowledge on the internets with the manipulation so blatant even Steve Kroft asked about it. Further the CSI maddened population wanted the story behind the story. When this story began with the gurgled gut-spillings of the waterboarded Khalid Sheik Mohammed Team O tried soft-peddling their prior complaints about torturing innocent goatherds. The Terrorists Rights Lobby erupted in the righteous rage of the betrayed. Arguments that they had been betrayed months ago and should be used to it, did not avail.

Alright. Alright. Since you can’t get any old gun in his hand get one of his guns out of the shed and just lean it on the wall next to him. I don’t care if he lays down then, gun in the room is armed, right? That’s self-defense, like a cop making an arrest. Although we’re not making an arrest… Whatever, we’ll fudge through that. Oh, and once we get the DNA samples and such, let’s repatriate his body to Afghanistan. We’ll have them bury him quietly but islamically. No one can bitch about that.

But the flag burners and effigists proved less than predictable. Bin Laden’s final cave became known out in the bleakest bit of Afghanistan. It quickly became a shrine; nearly a Mecca for the nastiest of jihadis, not that they had a long drive. The wife and other witnesses were safely in Guantanamo Bay but this proved to be a bridge too far even for yesteryear’s tractable peaceniks. The first female inmate at Guantanamo was NOT the Change they had Hoped for. Not at all. The UN Human Rights Committee, of all creatures, actually objected and demanded answers. Demanded! Cindy Sheehan again rose to daily prominence barking in the cause of bin Laden’s family and retainers. Once Larry Odonnell was able to get the partners of Eric Holder’s old law firm down there to represent, beans spilled wantonly. Osama executed? Not much heartburn on that action from those nasty, gap-toothed torture fans like Krauthammer and the TEA freaks, but who cares about them? The ACLU was actually up in arms, those morons, queering the whole deal. Michael Moore started shooting on a film with the working title, GuantanamObama. Bad, bad stuff.

Department of Corrections to the rescue again and this seems to be the final revision:

The raid was in lieu of a bombing run which would have caused too much collateral damage. Okay, we don’t really give a shit about that, howabout it was a kill and recovery mission, to get undeniable forensic proof of identity? That’s good, I like it. Replace the wife with the daughter and give her a nick, in the arm or something just to give us a plausible explanation of trauma. She’s CRAZY, right? She’s hallucinating or just lying. She’s an islamist, right? No other witnesses. Armed, unarmed, disarmed, shooting, not shooting, screaming, praying, cooking, shitting… who cares? Hit ’em all. It’s all self-defense because anybody there could be wearing a bomb-vest, right? That’s what they do, right? Okay, so the order is you take him alive only if he’s naked, otherwise not so much. Now I know even these guys who are willing to lay down their lives for the nation would really rather not apprehend a nekkid Osama. It’s cool, it’s cool. He’s not going anywhere. Smoke ‘im if you’ve got ‘im. And then we’re going to have a quick burial at sea. Hey, don’t laugh at that, hear this out. Burial at sea but an islamic burial at sea! Huh? Like that? AFTER we took all the samples and fingerprints and everything. Job well done at that point, right? Why not clear the decks? Why not get rid of that rubbish that is likely to attract raccoons? Yeah, okay. Now… the UN, we’ll handle that, buy them off or something. The ACLU can’t do much with the witnesses, they’ll be in Paki hands. The Paks are going to have to be part of the bad guys here. Yeah, I know they tipped us to the compound last year. Tough titties for them. Scrub that as much as you can. If they say otherwise, hey, who ya gonna believe anyhow? The photos and video? Classified. All classified. Or too bloody, too inflammatory. Which is it? Both, dumbass! We’ll show them to some Senators and bigwigs, get them to vouch. Yeah, I know we have some conflicts there, too bad. No photos. No video. No DNA. No nothing in public. You can’t disprove nothing, can you? Hell no. Anything that leaks out we just say it’s fake.  What else? Okay, now we make a stink about all the computers and info we dragged out of there, this was the big pick. Osama the Man was really incidental, didn’t need him at all, better off dead. Although he was STILL in day to day command. Okay? Are we on board? Anything else? Alright. Get this out to Carney and get the time-traveling guys on it and we’ll see it last week.

Such is the current standing order to the Department of Corrections.

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