10. When I saw the wino in the gutter eating grapes, I was like, “Hey, Bro, you gotta wait!”

9. Warning: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

8. You can’t expect me to stick to my New Year’s resolution about giving up drinking, because I was drunk when I made it.

7. The later I get, the drunker it is.

6. Liquor and beer, never fear, but beer and liquor, yadda yadda yadda mugshot.

5. Every time I pour a round of drinks it goes all over the place, so I guess I need glasses.

4. When I say I’m a recovering alcoholic, I don’t mean that I’m giving up alcohol, but that I have a hangover.

3. A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the bartender gives her one.

2. I was so drunk last night that, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bar, I won the dance contest.

1. Hypnotists say they can cure alcoholism merely by implanting a subliminal idea in the drinker’s head, which is a sobering thought.
 

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10. I used to do drugs, and I still do, but I used to, too.

9. When the policeman asked me, “How high are you?” I corrected him by saying, “No, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’.”

8. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

7. I had to start drug testing all of my employees, just so I’d know who to buy stuff from in the future.

6. My drug dealer drove around slowly for a while, before picking up speed.

5. I took drugs last night with my shoelaces undone, which was a big mistake because I was tripping all night.

4. If a midget smokes weed, does he get medium?

3. When the policeman asked me about all the cannabis growing in my backyard, I suggested, “Someone must have planted it there.”

2. I passed a drug test recently, which was weird, because I don’t remember eating one.

1. Drugs are never the answer, unless the clue is “Narcotics – Five letters.”
 

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10. Alcohol, because no good story starts with someone eating a salad.

9. It’s so weird, but it’s a ten-minute walk from my house to the pub, and it’s a two-hour walk from the pub to my house!

8. I don’t wake up, I come to.

7. Childhood is like being drunk: everybody remembers what you did, except you.

6. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems – but then again, neither does milk.

5. I hate it when you’re making your way home drunk, just minding your own business, and someone steps on your fingers.

4. I don’t drink to forget, I…what was I saying?

3. They say that alcohol kills you slowly, but then, who’s in a hurry?

2. It could be the wine talking, but more likely it’s Joe, the guy I have locked in the wine cellar.

1. I got pulled over for Driving While Intoxicated but, in my defense, I didn’t know I was driving.
 

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10. Catbernet Sauvignon

9. Wine Lives

8. Yellow (Cat)tail

7. Furgandy

6. Clawvignon Blanc

5. Cat Nips

4. Pinot Meow

3. Mos-cat-o

2. A-purry-tif

1. FeWine
 

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10. Crocked Spaniel

9. Spitz Schlitz

8. Bowser Boozer

7. Doberman Pilsner

6. Malt-ese

5. Pug Mug

4. Aledale

3. Coor-gi

2. Here’s Mutt In Your Eye

1. Shit-faced Shih Tzu
 

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10. He has won the lifetime achievement award…twice

9. If opportunity knocks, and he’s not at home, opportunity waits

8. Once he ran a marathon because it was “on the way”

7. He can speak Russian…in French

6. He once won a staring contest with his own reflection

5. He lives vicariously through himself

4. He bowls overhand

3. Even his tree houses have fully finished basements

2. Once, while sailing around the world, he discovered a shortcut

1. When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
 

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I do not regularly visit Starbucks. Not because I’m a coffee snob; on the contrary, I have yet to meet a cup of coffee I didn’t like. But for me, Starbucks is reserved for those mornings when, due to lack of sleep or an especially early meeting, I know that I’m going to need heavier artillery than what my office’s machine can offer me. This morning was one of those mornings. Eyes barely open, desperately needing caffeine, I entered, expecting nothing out of the ordinary. I was wrong, and I feel the need to warn the masses. So here we go:

If you go into Starbucks and order a cup of coffee, the good people of Starbucks may ask you if you want that cup of coffee “on the Clover.” After you’ve stifled the urge to laugh, just say no. Repeat: Just. Say. NO.

Sure, sure, they will promise you that the Clover process is like the pour-over method and that it will result in a much bolder, more rounded cup of coffee. Do not listen to them, people! Because, in fact, the Clover is not the pour-over method at all. In fact, the Clover is a machine. IN FACT, the Clover is very much akin to a Keurig machine: They grind the beans in front of you, pour said ground beans into a little hole at the top of the Clover/Keurig, hit a button, and watch the machine spit out your coffee.

(Again, important to note that I’m not a coffee snob. I own a Keurig machine and I rock that baby like a hurricane. I’ve also had several carefully crafted cups of pour-over coffee in my day–I did used to live in Brooklyn, after all–and, while I admit they were tasty, I never really saw the big deal.)

“But Meg,” you may say, “Surely having the beans ground fresh two seconds before the coffee is brewed does, in fact, result in a stronger, tastier cup of coffee.” YOU WOULD THINK THAT, WOULDN’T YOU?? It’s ok, I thought that, too. But no. It results in a cup of coffee that tastes exactly the same as the drip coffee sitting in the urns.

What the Clover does produce is a cup of coffee that takes a shockingly long time to make and costs an entire dollar more, a fact that the good people of Starbucks will not tell you when they try to push the Clover on you like so much crack.

It was not a completely disappointing visit, however. One thing you will gain from the Clover experience is the deep personal connections you will make with the other patrons of Starbucks waiting patiently…patiently…not so patiently…fidgety…very fidgety…”Um, do you have something there for Pam? Cause I’ve been waiting fifteen minutes. For coffee.” There’s a very special connection formed among people who realize at the exact same time that they’ve been bamboozled. We’ll always have that.

Tags: advice, drugs & alcohol by Meg Boyle
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Tags: drugs & alcohol, health & medical, on the law, politics & government by Alexander Thorburn Hoffman
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Mister Jones wore a jumpsuit with thermals and waistcuffs. He smiled and waved, as best he could, to his family in the gallery. Three generations of Jones women attended; his mother, grandmother and sister. Also attending was a handful of ladies from the Brown family including Tyairr Brown, quite a normal looking toddler except that she did not toddle. She sat in a special pram with a thick foam harness that held her upright as her spinal chord has been severed at the ninth thoracic, right around the height of her elbows. Today was Judgement Day for Mister Jones. His most recent crimes and my peripheral role in them, you already know. [Read more →]

Tags: drugs & alcohol, race & culture by Ken Watson
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Whitney Houston is dead at 48 due to a self-administered overdose of warm, soapy water; to which she was addicted. It is unclear when she set off down this path. Many observers blame her widower, Bobby Brown, saying that before he came along Whitney took showers, ran through the car wash or just re-applied her hairspray. What cannot be denied is that hers was a daily habit involving gallon upon gallon of the substance she clearly felt was so sweet and embracing but wound up taking her precious life at a tender age. There has been some confusion and dissembling. It should be obvious why Big Bath would be interested in diverting attention from their own intoxicating wares and onto the drugs prescribed for Ms Houston by her doctors or perhaps onto those medicinal preparations from her herbalists. These monopolist robber-barons are already in a stink owing to the epidemic of bath-salts snorting among teens. They fear that their decades…. nay, CENTURIES of sloshing murderous tubs and fragrances onto a hapless humanity (at a tidy profit) might finally come to an end. [Read more →]

Tags: art & entertainment, drugs & alcohol, ends & odd by Ken Watson
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INTELLIGENCE ALERT
PINKARSKY COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT

The Pinkarsky County Sheriff’s Department was recently made aware of a potentially dangerous threat to our children, in the form of music that mimics the feeling of euphoria that comes from taking drugs. Sheriff’s Department officials would like to warn parents about this troubling development, and encourages all parents to be vigilant and make sure and monitor any music that your children listen to, to ensure that they’re not “getting high” off it.

“Of course, we’re concerned about what the children of Pinkarsky County are listening to,” said Sheriff Waldo Heiny, at a press conference called specifically to announce this troubling development. “We want to make sure that the parents, who already have their hands full with their jobs, or unemployment worries, or whatever, understand that the Sheriff’s Department will do everything it can to help them to deal with this dangerous threat targeting our youth, by making random stops of children who exhibit odd behavior in public, and by making random searches of the CD and MP3 collections of the county’s children.”

The Sheriff added that the silence from some neighboring counties on this potentially devastating problem has been deafening.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DONAR COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT

The Sheriff’s Department of Donar County recently learned that some parents had become alarmed by the idea that some kids might be trying to get high by listening to music. Donar County Sheriff Whitty Crain wishes to assure parents that there is little threat of children getting high from music. The real threat is from girls dipping their tampons in vodka, and then putting the tampons in their vaginas, where the vodka is absorbed through the soft, tender tissue of the girl’s vagina. [Read more →]

Tags: drugs & alcohol, ends & odd by Ricky Sprague
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Far from the land of Noah lived Moah. He also was warned of the flood but his task was simpler, rather than saving all of land fauna, Moah built his ark to accomodate all the people and livestock of his little town, most prominently his triplet sons; Bovus, Vincent and Cornelius. Before god spake to him, Moah was a skillful worker of the earth. Grains, cattle and vines he knew best of all men. Like even the ignorant he also kept chickens, sheep and gardened other crops like basil and mint. These arts he taught with perfect consistency to all three of his sons and all three became as much the master of them as their father. Came the day of rains and all the townspeople and their seed and their beasts boarded the ark and waited for the rains to end. Once they did and the waters receded the ark was wrecked on a mountaintop. Moah drowned in this disaster which saw the three sons with equal goods and equal survivors drift apart. Each finally settled on different sides of the mountain, separated by rock and ravine, thinking themselves the only party to live through the deluge. [Read more →]

Tags: drugs & alcohol, race & culture by Ken Watson
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William F Buckley was a miraculous man in several regards. Born with a platinum trust and a silver tongue he invented the Public Intellectual as we know him today; the glib proprietor of some venue, inviting in those with similar ambitions but divergent opinions for a quick flensing before a hostile scrum. He was quite nearly the inventor of modern conservatism, the ungay marriage of dusty, rarely followed moral precepts and musty, never followed fiscal principles. An iconclast, he managed to be unpredictable enough to rise to be the ONE out and proud conservative to be grudgingly admitted a modest intelligence. Somewhat famously, later in life, he made libertarian-based drug legalization his personal hobbyhorse and the open editorial position of The National Review. Less famously this came after a rather sanguine philosophical failure.

When it came to drugs, Buckley was against them before he was for ’em. The internets only reveal evidence of Mr Buckley’s climb-down; a debate he engaged in with Charlie Rangel where he opposes Rangel’s nanny-state based expansion of the nation’s longest war by far, today’s War on Drugs. But I remembers it, oh yes I does. [Read more →]

Tags: drugs & alcohol, politics & government by Ken Watson
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10. You don’t care who you get your shamrocks off with

9. You keep going up to strangers and saying, “Ire me; I’m kiss-ish!”

8. You think a tube of toothpaste is astronaut food

7. You keep wishing someone would drive the snakes out of your head

6. You wonder how you wound up with a lower stomach tattoo that says “Kiss My Lucky Charms!”

5. You’re now thinking Sarah Palin is Presidential material

4. You can actually see leprechauns

3. You make Charlie Sheen look like Justin Bieber

2. You wonder how you wound up with a bent shillelagh

1. You spend the entire night doing your Linda Blair impression
 

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10. During your physical, they found traces of blood in your alcohol

9. At AA meetings you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…Wait, I know this as well as I know my own name….‘Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday, dearrrrr…’”

8. You keep claiming you’re “as jober as a sudge”

7. You make Lindsay Lohan look like Susan Boyle

6. The room is spinning faster than a hamster wheel

5. You’re wondering how you wound up with a chest tattoo of Cloris Leachman

4. You have toilet seat bruises all over the back of your head

3. Your idea of cutting back is less salt on the rim of your Margarita glass

2. You keep falling off the floor

1. You think Sarah Palin would make a great President
 

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No, I am not talking about the heartwarming 1993 movie about the love affair between a young boy and a killer whale. I am talking about the weekend arrest of grizzled country music star Willie Nelson for marijuana possession. It just ain’t right.

[Read more →]

Tags: drugs & alcohol, Marty digs, music by Marty O'Connor
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After a long day at the office (my couch), I can’t think of a better way to unwind than with my favorite caffeinated malt liquor beverage: Four Loko. You can see why, then, I was so shocked to hear that my beloved Loko was being pulled from shelves. What’s the matter, Uncle Sam? Scared of a good time? Afraid you might have too much fun? I didn’t realize our government was run by a bunch of grandmas. [Read more →]

Tags: drugs & alcohol, mostly kidding by Matt Scottoline, Pitney patrol by Matt Scottoline
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10. Everybody knows how much men love their cars!

9. He was very confused about the term ‘carjacking’

8. He swears the headlights kept winking at him

7. Seriously, Dude, have you ever even seen a Maserati Bora?!

6. PCP and Jack Daniels don’t mix

5. He was parked on Lover’s Lane, and one thing led to another

4. No way could he resist that junk in the trunk!

3. The new car smell really turned him on

2. He thought it would be fun to impale an Impala

1. When he told his friends how lonely he was, they suggested autoeroticism
 

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It has been a very bizarre couple of days for me. I went to a hockey game and met a hair band legend, I have mice in my house, and I drank one of the malt beverages that the media is up in arms about and facebook is all abuzz over. Ahh, the highs and lows of a 34 year old father who still thinks he is 22. [Read more →]

Tags: drugs & alcohol, Marty digs, sports by Marty O'Connor
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10. Has pictures of Barry Bonds all over his bedroom

9. During gym class rope climb, he yanked down half the ceiling

8. He’s always Googling “the best way to get around urine tests”

7. His personal trainer: Alex Rodriguez’s cousin

6. This year he’s a starting fullback; last year he was an oboist in the school band

5. Buys all his clothes at Big, Tall & ’Roidy

4. Makes Lou Ferrigno look like Justin Bieber

3. He shaves twice a day, and he’s in the fifth grade

2. His right arm is enormous, and he doesn’t masturbate

1. He doesn’t masturbate, because there’s nothing to hold onto
 

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