St. Patrick’s top ten complaints

St. Patrick’s top ten complaints

Posted on March 17th, 2009 by Bob Sullivan

10. Never received promised commission on green beer

9. Still awaiting remake of Darby O’Gill and the Little People

8. Every St. Patrick’s Day, when they dye the Chicago River green, it just looks like pond scum

7. On his day, number of people fraudulently claiming Irishness just to get a kiss

6. Only saint whose name is associated with massive hangovers

5. Compared to Saint Nicholas’s helpful elves, St. Patrick’s leprechauns are nothing but a bunch of troublemakers

4. After you’ve heard “Top o’ the mornin’” a few million times, you’d kill for a simple “Hello”

3. When St. Patrick’s Day revelers get sick on green beer, they look like Linda Blair

2. Hasn’t had his Blarney Stone kissed in years

1. Snake bites

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Bob Sullivan

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.