Clarence Thomas’s top ten excuses for not speaking at a Supreme Court hearing in over five years

Clarence Thomas’s top ten excuses for not speaking at a Supreme Court hearing in over five years

Posted on March 7th, 2011 by Bob Sullivan

10. He’s still too upset that he never received any endorsement money from the Coca-Cola people

9. He tried talking once, but Scalia was drinking a glass of water at the same time and Scalia’s not that talented

8. He took Thurgood Marshall’s seat, and he knows if he opens his mouth, the contrast will be too disheartening

7. He refuses to say anything until Anita Hill apologizes

6. Five years ago, Thomas and Kennedy said the word “jurisprudence” at the same time, Kennedy shouted “Jinx!”…and nobody has spoken Thomas’s name since

5. He’s studying to be a mime (though some people might be insulted if they see him wearing whiteface)

4. He’s obsessed by the pubic hairs he can spot all over that big table they sit at

3. After failing to mention on his Supreme Court financial disclosure forms that his wife earned $686,589 from the conservative Heritage Foundation, he thought, “Who am I to judge?”

2. He finds all that power a turn-on, and he’s afraid, if he talks, people might notice his robe is tenting

1. He’s saving all his best rhetoric for the scheduled Supreme Court obscenity case U. S. v. Long Dong Silver

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.