

Top ten 2014 New Year’s Resolutions I’ve already broken
10. I will never again smash into somebody’s car just to knock the cell phone out of their hand.
9. I promise to lose weight – or at least stay the same.
8. I will use less deodorant and do more laundry.
7. I won’t tug on Superman’s cape.
6. I won’t spit into the wind.
5. I won’t pull the mask off that old Lone Ranger.
4. I won’t mess around with Jim.
3. Never again will I take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. I swear, this year, to keep all my resolutions secret!
1. No more late-night carousing with Toronto Mayor Rob Ford,
and no more all-you-can-eat buffets with Chris Christie.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Oh, how the dream of doing #1 has made me grip the steering wheel while contemplating explaining my actions to the judge. In my sweet imaginations, the judge agrees and congratulates me for my contribution to society.