Top ten signs you’re at a bad fireworks display
10. The fireworks are generated by a kid shuffling his feet on shag carpeting
9. At the end, the fireworks form a colorful image of a bespectacled Rick Perry
8. It’s just that guy from the Police Academy movies making fireworks noises with his mouth
7. The guy in charge of the fireworks has five fingers, total
6. Someone just clicks on his TV, then puts on a highlights reel from past fireworks displays
5. At the entrance to the venue, several personal injury attorneys have set up information booths
4. Instead of rousing patriotic music, all they play is Adele and Enya
3. The entire show is a pair of twins running around holding sparklers
2. Instead of actual fireworks, the emcee tells the audience to close their eyes and rub them with their palms
1. You notice the men lighting the fireworks display are wearing ISIS T-shirts
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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