Top ten signs your film is not going to win an Academy Award
Posted on February 24th, 2014 by Bob Sullivan
10. It stars Meryl Streep, but not the famous one
9. It’s called Captain Phillips Milk of Magnesia
8. Adam Sandler has never been wackier
7. The world wasn’t ready for an all-gerbil version of Death of a Salesman
6. It’s rated ‘R’ for ‘Ridiculous’
5. The iPod Nano product placements detract from the prehistoric setting
4. The title contains the words “Lone” or “Ranger”
3. It stars Chris Christie in a remake of A Bridge Too Far
2. There’s no category called ‘Biggest Asshole’
1. Roger Ebert returned from Heaven just so he could give it two thumbs down
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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11. Steve Guttenberg is the male lead.
I actually feel bad (somewhat) for making that joke, because I’ve seen the guy interviewed and he seems so nice and engaging. But still, his cultural value as a punch line is too juicy to pass…