Top ten signs your new year is off to a bad start
10. Your New Year’s kiss left smudge marks on the television screen
9. Your co-workers posted on YouTube the video of you at the office Christmas party, Xeroxing your butt
8. You started the new year with ten fingers and ten toes – now, not so many
7. You’re the photographer who videotaped Hef’s wedding night, and you can’t stop shuddering
6. Your wife’s resolution was to give up you
5. Because you didn’t win the Heisman Trophy, your imaginary dead girlfriend has decided to dump you
4. You’re Honey Boo Boo’s grade school teacher
3. You’re just waking up from your 2011 New Year’s Eve party
2. Your first name is ‘Lance’ or ‘Mitt’, or your last name is ‘Petraeus’
1. Someone had to Heimlich you in order to retrieve your cat
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
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#5 is excellent.