Top ten things you don’t want to hear at today’s Fourth of July barbecue

Top ten things you don’t want to hear at today’s Fourth of July barbecue

Posted on July 4th, 2011 by Bob Sullivan

10. “I knew it was a bad idea to leave the fireworks in the trunk on a day this hot!”

9. “That’s not mayonnaise; you’re standing under a tree.”

8. “I think Grandma lost her dentures in the coleslaw again.”

7. “I told Phil a thousand times: either lose some weight or don’t stand directly over the septic tank.”

6. “Weird Uncle Frank wants to play his DVD that certainly sounds patriotic; it’s called The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!”

5. “Why does my hot dog have an engagement ring on it?”

4. “Which is the burger and which is the charcoal?”

3. “I hope nobody minds, but today’s barbecue is completely vegan.”

2. “To give it that little something extra, I put lighter fluid in the punch.”

1. “It’s deer meat! Couldn’t have been in the road more than a day or two.”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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Bob Sullivan

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.