My mother, brother, sister-in-law and nephew all live in Arizona. And Arizona has the Grand Canyon which is totally bad ass. And I like Public Enemy who sang (rapped?) about Arizona. And it’s just south of Las Vegas… and any time you can get lower than Vegas, you’ve accomplished something. I certainly have a reason to write about Arizona. One could argue that this is long overdue.

So apparently the people of the great state of Arizona have decided, through their representatives, that there is a problem with the number of “illegal” or non-US citizens roaming and milling about their state. Instead of concentrating on the roaming and milling about part they decided to concentrate on the “illegal” part. Ok. So they basically passed a law that says if you’re brown or have a really good tan and have a thick accent (but not a cool one like Crocodile Dundee) then you might be “illegal” and therefore the Gestapo will ask you for your papers (still no word if 8 1/2 x 11 is acceptable or if your papers must be of legal size). My understanding is that on these papers, if your child has drawn in crayon a really cool picture of an American Soldier killing bad guys then you are free to go. Now this might seem unfair to those that do not have children but the people of the Grand Canyon State have determined that children are our future and to let them lead the way in determining legal status.

But I can understand how some might not agree with the measures taken by a state that was the last state to join the union (on the continent). I think I have developed a simple 2-step plan that will kill many birds with one stone.

Step One: Annex every country south all the way down to the Panama Canal and the entire Caribbean Basin. At that point everyone in Central America and the Islands are now American. Poof. No more “illegals.” Additionally, they don’t have to come “here” because “here” is now where they live. They are already there. Sure, we have to change the flag, but that didn’t stop our forefathers. There’s only like 8 countries in Central America and we could lump the Islands into the Islands state, giving us 9 new ones. So, in order to make it an even ten we should probably annex Canada too but that’s not necessarily a deal breaker.

Think about it. Our new southern border is exactly one mile long (the Panama Canal). Fence? Hell, we could put border patrol agents shoulder to shoulder if we wanted. Plus you could now go to Cancun or Tijuana or some other awesome tropical party place without a passport. Tequila would become a domestic product. And Marijuana would become legal for religious reasons (thank you Jamaica County). Plus with all those workers now American citizens, tax revenue would increase. And think of all ten of those GDPs added to our coffers… sweet.

Step Two: Once the rest of the world realizes that we are living in a new Golden Age of prosperity and diversity… wait, isn’t diversity an old, old wooden ship used in the Civil War era? Anyway, everyone will be jealous. They will want us to annex them too. There may even be wars fought to determine who is next in line. That’s cool, ladies. There’s plenty of U.S. to go around. However, I would advocate for South America next because Amerigo Vespucci would have wanted it that way… plus Brazil has Carnaval.

Eventually we will have incorporated every country except for France. All of our immigration problems will be solved. All of our economic problems will be solved. All of our green problems will be solved. And most importantly, America will have won. I mean nobody wants a world government, and that’s why we keep France around. So we can still have an international partner who is also our international enemy.

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