Jeffrey Maryak has been a soldier in the United States Army since 1995. He has deployed over the years to the following countries (in an undisclosed and likely classified order of precedence): Iraq, Afghanistan, Germany, Egypt, Bosnia, Albania, and Djibouti.

At the time this was written Jeff was not married. He hopes to one day found his own church called “The First and Last Church of the Paradox.” This church will profess the concept that paradoxes are true while preaching that paradoxes are indeed false. He has stated in public (but not publicly) that, when the time is right, he will declare himself a god and accept tithing and donations. But until the appointed time arrives, he is contented with taking a government paycheck while maintaining a healthy distrust of the government. Maryak might have a girlfriend by the time you’re reading this but it’s probably not that serious.

He has two children, a boy and a girl, which he believes is confirmation of his paradoxical divinity. In late 2009, Jeff, while deployed to Djibouti, Africa, in a random Wikipedia search, stumbled upon the meaning of ethnocentrism. As it turns out, America actually is the best country in the world [citation needed]. Jeff has likely broken up with his girlfriend by the time you are reading this, as he is a hopeless romantic who only knows how to absurdly advance relationships toward marriage in a wholly inappropriate timeframe.

He once got mugged at gunpoint while working as a pizza delivery man in Syracuse, New York (his hometown). After a heroic struggle, the attackers absconded with $52 ($29 of which were Jeff’s tips). The local newspaper printed Jeff’s address in the paper. Since that time, reportedly, Jeff has added journalists to his “list.”

Jeffrey, the future self-proclaimed deity, finds it ironic that his middle name is Christian. He also doesn’t know what irony means and thinks that Alanis Morissette song is clever.

He has a thing for blondes but never really seems to date any. Maryak has given up and knows, not fears, but knows that someday he is going to die… and probably alone and single.

 

Author photo by Steve Featherstone

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