On Saturday, Republican leader John Boehner predicted that the passage of the health care bill would bring about “Armageddon.” Boehner is Roman Catholic (alma mater: Xavier University) so I don’t think that he meant my favorite WWE event or my third-favorite Bruce Willis movie. Nope, this is the Armageddon — the big one. And yesterday the bill passed. Yikes!

As a public service, I looked up how things go from here on in, according to the King James Bible. Here’s what to expect.

Once the antichrist (or “Beast”) appears on the earth, Jesus returns on a white horse, leading an army wrapped in clean white linen.

I’m not sure of the significance of the linen, but here’s what happens in Revelation, Chapters 19 – 20:

And I saw the beast, and the kings of the earth, and their armies, gathered together to make war against him that sat on the horse, and against his army.

And the beast was taken, and with him the false prophet that wrought miracles before him, with which he deceived them that had received the mark of the beast, and them that worshipped his image. These both were cast alive into a lake of fire burning with brimstone.

And the remnant were slain with the sword of him that sat upon the horse, which sword proceeded out of his mouth: and all the fowls were filled with their flesh.

And I saw an angel come down from heaven, having the key of the bottomless pit and a great chain in his hand.

And he laid hold on the dragon, that old serpent, which is the Devil, and Satan, and bound him a thousand years.

Can you blame me for not going to work today? Shoot. I wonder how Anderson Cooper will cover this one.

Anyway, after this “battle of Armageddon” comes the Millennial Age, in which Satan stays in the lake of fire and Jesus reigns for a thousand years alongside all those who were beheaded for their faithfulness to God in previous centuries. That doesn’t sound so bad, actually — until you read what happens next. Chapter 20 again:

And when the thousand years are expired, Satan shall be loosed out of his prison,

And shall go out to deceive the nations which are in the four quarters of the earth, Gog, and Magog, to gather them together to battle: the number of whom is as the sand of the sea.

And they went up on the breadth of the earth, and compassed the camp of the saints about, and the beloved city: and fire came down from God out of heaven, and devoured them.

And the devil that deceived them was cast into the lake of fire and brimstone, where the beast and the false prophet are, and shall be tormented day and night for ever and ever.

I have to be honest: at this point I start feeling a little bad for the Devil. It just seems crummy to defeat him and cast him down into the lake of fire only to set him free and defeat him again. The guy never gets a fighting chance, and that’s a little unsportsmanlike.

Besides, let’s not get distracted from the real culprit here — Nancy Pelosi. Darn her! The next thing you know she’ll finalize a bill to gradually and infinitesimally modernize a series of arcane fiscal regulatory organs and our eyes will all burst and the seas turn to fire.

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