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Top ten answers to the question, “How cold is it?”

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10. It’s so cold, I saw a line of chickens outside a KFC, waiting for their turn in the deep fryer

9. It’s so cold that I almost want to go to Florida

8. It’s so cold, Starbucks is serving coffee on a stick

7. It’s so cold, the Blue Man Group turned Caucasian-colored

6. It’s so cold that even my balls went inside to get warm

5. It’s so cold, it’s almost as cold as a Koch Brother’s heart — assuming they have one between them

4. It’s so cold, aquariums no longer really need the glass

3. It’s so cold, even your farts have a wind chill factor – it’s fifteen degrees out, but it smells like nine

2. It’s so cold, my aunt slipped on some ice and accidently keyed someone’s Mercedes with her nipple!

1. It’s so cold, Donald Trump is having hookers pee on him just for the warmth!

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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