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Top ten answers to the question “How cold is it?”

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10. “It’s so cold, your car won’t start running and your nose won’t stop.”

9. “It’s so cold, I saw an oak tree with its nuts frozen off.”

8. “It’s so cold, throwing a snowball is legally classified as ‘assult with a deadly weapon’.”

7. “It’s so cold, you leave your refrigerator door open to keep your food even colder.”

6. “It’s so cold, you found five Eskimos huddled in your family room.”

5. “It’s so cold, Grandma’s teeth aren’t chattering because they’re frozen in the glass of water next to her bed.”

4. “It’s so cold, it would be colder than Donald Trump’s heart…if he had one.”

3. “It’s so cold, airport TSA agents are putting on mittens before fondling you.”

2. “It’s so cold, you can’t tell how cold it is because the mercury in the thermometer just froze.”

1. “It’s so cold, Martin Shkreli (that scumbag who raised the price of that AIDS drug from $13.50 a tablet to $750 per tablet) has asked that he be sent to Hell earlier than scheduled.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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