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Top ten signs you’re not ready for swimsuit season

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10. Every time you lie on the beach, concerned citizens try to push you back into the water

9. Due to your busy schedule as governor, you only had your lap-band surgery last February

8. When asked to name your favorite health drink, you reply, “Maple syrup.”

7. Whenever you leave the beach, everybody shouts, “The coast is clear!”

6. Policemen keep coming up to you and ordering you to disperse

5. The last time you went to the beach, you were the only one who got a tan

4. Your swimsuit uses more material than a Ringling Brothers tent

3. In your building, they’ve changed the elevator’s maximum occupancy to one

2. Your nickname at work is ‘Are You Gonna Finish That?’

1. People don’t want you anywhere near the beach, because you always affect the tides

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Bob Sullivan is the author of the 1979 cult classic Clonus (also known as Parts: The Clonus Horror), starring Peter Graves, Keenan Wynn and Dick Sargent, which was lovingly sent up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 and was the basis for the 2005 DreamWorks' Michael Bay film The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson. Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything is published on Mondays.
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