10. “Donald Trump at a rally this weekend said Hillary Clinton was exhausted and weak after the debates. Yeah, probably because you kept sniffing all the oxygen out of the room.” – Seth Meyers, 10/24/16

9. “Trump’s sniffing was caused by air being sucked into the vacuum behind his eyes.”

8. “Many news outlets are saying Donald Trump will almost certainly pivot to media and launch his own t.v. network after the election. Which means as early as next year we could see Trump TV filing for bankruptcy.” – Seth Meyers, 10/24/16

7. “Could you imagine Trump being on your TV 24 hours a day? That would be like — well, it would be like right now.” – James Corden, 10/17/16

6. “I can’t imagine why people are less excited about voting for Trump, but I guess it could have something to do with insulting women, insulting minorities, bragging about sexual assault, making fun of disabled people, making fun of military veterans, making fun of NFL players who get concussions, antagonizing fellow Republican, not releasing his taxes, not having any real political platform, banning journalists, re-tweeting white supremacists, and having hair that looks like a poorly constructed scarecrow. Other than that, I’ve no idea where he lost people.” – James Corden, 10/24/16

5. “As you know, Trump is being accused of sexual misconduct by a slew of women. Of course, that is a case of ‘he said’ and ‘she said, she said, she said, she said, she said.’” – Jimmy Kimmel, 10/17/16

4. “Donald Trump tweeted that the ‘election is absolutely rigged by the dishonest and distorted media pushing Crooked Hillary — but also at many polling places. Sad!’ Yes, even at polling places, the election is being rigged against Trump. I heard that on November 8th, millions of ‘riggers’ will be behind curtains in private booths, and with a secret ballot, collude to defeat Trump.” – Stephen Colbert, 10/17/16

3. “Trump has tweeted multiple times about the media rigging the election, and he’s right. From day one, the media rigged this election — in favor of Donald Trump. You can’t turn on the TV without seeing Trump. He’s like the Geico gecko, but more cartoonish.” – Stephen Colbert, 10/17/16

2. “Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, said this morning that Republicans should decide whether or not they support Donald Trump and ‘stop pussyfooting around.’ That’s the worst choice of words since Abraham Lincoln said, ‘I need slavery like I need a hole in the head.’” – Seth Meyers, 10/12/16

1. “Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, appeared on Trump’s new Facebook Live show and said Trump ‘unequivocally’ will win the election. So, look out, CNN! There’s a NEW often-wrong news channel in town!” – Seth Meyers, 10/24/16
 

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10. You’re going out with your kids, and their kids, and their kids!

9. It’s been an hour, and the furthest you’ve been able to walk is next door.

8. You ask for high-fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your balance and fall over.

6. You can remember back to your first Halloween, when all the witches were burned.

5. By the end of the night, you have a treat bag full of restraining orders.

4. You’re continually knocking on your own front door

3. You keep seeing some trick-or-treater dressed up as the Grim Reaper – and you’re the only one who can see him.

2. You have to get your dog to soften up some of the candy by chewing on it first.

1. When people open the door, instead of saying “Trick or treat,” you look confused for a minute, then start singing Good King Wenceslas.
 

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10. He is a supporter of the Tea Party movement, noting he is “a Christian, a conservative, and a Republican, in that order.”

9. Pence believes homosexuality can be cured by conversion therapy, opposes homosexuals serving in the military, opposed the repeal of ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’, opposed the Employment Non-Discrimination Act which would have banned workplace discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation, and opposes same-sex marriage and civil unions.

8. Pence has consistently supported pro-life policies and opposed several sex education initiatives in schools, expressing his support for abstinence education.

7. Pence is leading the attempt to defund Planned Parenthood, and in Indiana he managed to defund Planned Parenthood’s five rural clinics, including one that had nothing to do with abortions, but instead tested for HIV and offered prevention, intervention, and counseling for better health. That plus Pence’s opposition to a needle exchange program led to an HIV epidemic in 2014. This year he signed into law a bill that banned certain abortion procedures, placed new restrictions on abortion providers, and required that aborted fetuses be buried or cremated.

6. Pence praised the 2010 Supreme Court ruling in Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission when it was announced. Pence said, “Freedom won today in the Supreme Court. Today’s ruling in the Citizens United case takes us one step closer to the Founding Fathers’ vision of free speech, a vision that is cherished by all Americans and one Congress has a responsibility to protect.”

5. Pence “does not accept the scientific consensus that human activity is the primary driver of climate change,” and, in 2001, he wrote in an op-ed that “Global warming is a myth.”

4. Pence supported the USA Patriot Act on its passage in 2001, and in 2005 called the act “essential to our continued success in the war on terror here at home.” He was a sponsor of legislation in 2009 to extend three expiring provisions of the Patriot Act (the library records provision, the roving-wiretap provision, and the lone-wolf provision) for an additional ten years.

3. On March 26, 2015, Pence signed Indiana Senate Bill 101, also known as the Indiana “religious objections” bill, into law -– a law which would allow business owners to deny services to gays and lesbians for religious reasons. In other words, no discrimination again discriminators!

2. This former anti-woman right-wing radio nutjob (1994–1999) would be the de facto President of the United States, since Trump has indicated he wants his Veep to take over all the Presidential duties, while Trump goes out and makes America great again.

1. If Pence were a heartbeat away, that would mean Trump is President! In which case: SHAME on you for not voting!!!! (Though maybe it’s not too late!)
 

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10. “I saw that on Monday Donald Trump met with the Egyptian president in New York City while he’s in town for the U.N. General assembly. Trump said he’s always felt connected to Egypt, mostly because Trump University was a huge pyramid scheme.” – Jimmy Fallon, 9/21/16

9. “We are 25 days away from the election and Donald Trump is burning up like a meteor entering the atmosphere. Five women have come forward this week to claim he behaved inappropriately with them, touching, etc., including a reporter from People magazine and former pageant winner. Which is very bad news for his campaign. The good news is, he just got an offer to be the spokesman for Jell-O pudding.” – Jimmy Kimmel, 10/13/16

8. “During a rally in Florida yesterday Donald Trump boasted about his plans for ISIS and said he will ‘be their worst nightmare.’ Oh, wow, so he’s also running for president of ISIS? ” – Seth Meyers, 10/13/16

7. Billy Bush was suspended from his job after that video of him and Donald Trump making lewd sexual comments surfaced, “which means there is currently a higher standard for host of the third hour of the Today show than there is for Republican nominee for President of the United States.” – Seth Meyers, 10/10/16

6. “By the way, I don’t think that’s what Donald Trump’s advisers meant when they told him to reach out to women.” – Stephen Colbert, 10/10/16

5. “The man who is this close to the highest office in the land now occupies the lowest office in the land: The pervert on the bus.” – Seth Meyers, 10/10/16

4. As to Trump’s claim that it was just locker room talk, “First of all, no it’s not. That is not the way men in locker rooms talk. Second of all, this is the problem: Trump treats the entire world like the inside of a men’s locker room. And you just know he’s the locker-room type who towel dries his hair while he’s buck naked with one leg up on the bench so everyone has to avert their eyes to avoid looking at his saggy ball sac.” – Seth Meyers, 10/10/16

3. “In fact, ‘Take a Tic Tac and grab ’em by the pussy’ is the closest thing to a plan Donald Trump has described this entire election.” – Samantha Bee, 10/10/16

2. “You weren’t in a locker room, you sleazy pair of sweat socks. You were at work!” – Samantha Bee, 10/10/16

1. “I can’t wait for Wednesday’s final debate, to see if Trump accidentally blows his brains out, when he shoots himself in the foot while his foot is in his mouth.” – Bob Sullivan, Top Ten List, 10/17/16

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10. Donald Trump would be the tenth worst choice to elect President of the United States
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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10. He started horsing around, and then things just got out of hand.

9. During the playoffs, he misheard when someone said he should be rooting for the Phillies!

8. He knew he’d never have to pay palimony to a palomino.

7. Seriously, have you seen that horse?!

6. His ex-girlfriend once told him he was hung like one.

5. As a kid, he loved riding that horsie in front of Kmart.

4. He claimed he was looking for a stable relationship.

3. The pony looked exactly like his high school sweetheart.

2. He was put up to it – by a small step stool.

1. His friends had misunderstood him when they told him it was perfectly okay if he was “feeling a little hoarse.”
 

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10. When they were building the White House, they were “well fed”

9. They “had decent lodgings provided by the government”

8. Many of them got a free sea cruise before arriving in America

7. They didn’t have to pay income taxes

6. Their cramped overcrowded lodgings encouraged cameraderie

5. Frequently, owners would deign to have sex with them

4. Their situation led to the creation of many deeply moving Negro spirituals; which led to the creation of blues, jazz, and boogie-woogie; which led to the creation of rock and roll

3. Free on-the-job training

2. They got to spend time in our nation’s capital

1. They were finally safe from lions, hyenas, cheetahs and elephants
 

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10. There’s only one ‘L’ in ‘COLEGE’

9. All the professors are on some sort of work release program

8. The photo on the cover of the campus brochure is a shot of Kim Kardashian’s ass

7. The college insists that you pay your tuition up front, in cash, no large bills

6. When you ask if the college is well endowed, the school president pulls down his zipper

5. The school’s Latin motto is “Non Impediti Ratione Cogitationis” (“Unencumbered by the Thought Process”)

4. Sociology professor + Groucho glasses = Calculus professor

3. The dean is being followed by a crew from 60 Minutes

2. Instead of the S.A.T., you just have to pass a urine test

1. It’s Trump University
 

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10. Your performance has been described as “Sandler-esque”

9. Contestants on Bowling for Dollars aren’t eligible

8. Your show only appeared on YouTube, and starred Mr. Whiskers

7. You were a writer for Hollywood Game Night

6. Your pilot for Law & Order: U.S. Postal Inspection Service never made it to air

5. Your reality show is all about your family-operated business called Duck Commander

4. As a C.S.I. corpse, you were never given the opportunity to show your full range as an actor

3. Donald Trump is somehow involved

2. Outstanding Lead Actor in a Boner Pill Commercial isn’t a category

1. You’re a Kardashian
 

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10. Hillary Clinton’s IT guy

9. Duck Dynasty beard de-tangler

8. Republican fact checker

7. Amish air conditioner repairman

6. Roger Ailes’s lotion boy

5. Apprentice crackwhore

4. Public pool pee monitor

3. Suicide bomber

2. Hooker at Comic-Con 2016

1. Donald Trump’s PR guy
 

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10. The B&B you stayed at evidently stood for ‘bed’ and ‘bugs’

9. What everyone else thought was a sunburn was actually a rash

8. You got a “TRUMP 2016” facial tattoo

7. You were the only person at your resort not wearing a yellow hazmat suit

6. You lost so much blood from mosquito bites, they actually stopped biting you

5. You got kicked out of your luxury hotel because you were lying stark naked on your bed when the maid walked in…finally!

4. You caught crabs at the beach – but not the edible kind

3. You thought the summer camp you were applying to was named after the ancient Egyptian goddess Isis

2. Your eyebrows haven’t grown back since the Fourth of July

1. First name ‘Ryan’, last name ‘Lochte’
 

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10. He won’t give you mouth-to-mouth unless he takes you to dinner first

9. He’s declared himself “King of the Ocean” and sits atop his lifeguard tower wearing an ermine-lined cloak and holding a scepter

8. He has a tendency to throw drowning people the wrong kind of Life Saver, and prefers peppermint

7. Instead of rubbing sunblock on his nose, he uses vanilla pudding

6. He prefers sitting with his back to the ocean

5. He’ll only use his defibrillator to heat his tacos

4. He’s dating his CPR dummy

3. He’s wearing a lifeguard whistle. Period.

2. Whenever someone is drowning, he tries to run towards them in slow motion, because that’s how they run on Baywatch

1. He likes to be buried in the sand up to his neck…headfirst
 

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10. Tronald Dump

9. Hair Hitler

8. Trumpageddon

7. OranguTAN

6. Darth Hater

5. Our Future Impeached President

4. Der Furor

3. Doll Hands

2. Forrest Trump

1. The Assassination Inciter
 

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10. “She has the loveliest limbs I’ve ever seen.”

9. “I just felt like being knotty.”

8. “I’ve always had sex with women before, and I thought I’d branch out.”

7. “I myself am a son of a birch.”

6. “Her body is gnarly, man!”

5. “When it comes to romance, I’m a real sap.”

4. “I pine for her every day.”

3. “I’ve asked her to marry me again and again; every year she gets another ring.”

2. “One touch from her and I’m sporting wood.”

1. “Beggars can’t be choosers – though actually I’d prefer a trimmed bush.”
 

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10. Sewer Diving

9. Urban Shooting

8. Javelin Catching

7. Defensive Archery

6. Scum Sailing

5. Hockeying a Loogie

4. Zika Dodging

3. Topless Beach Volleyball

2. Pokémon Go Roundup

1. Synchronized Sludge
 

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10. “It’s so hot, Siri suggested I drop my cell phone in a glass of iced tea.”

9. “It’s so hot, my water buffalo evaporated.”

8. “It’s so hot, Jehovah’s Witnesses have decided to give telemarketing a try.”

7. “It’s so hot, the Campbell Soup Company is changing its directions to ‘Open, pour, and enjoy!’”

6. “It’s so hot, a Republican actually broke down and admitted Global Warming is real.”

5. “It’s so hot, instead of bread, stores are only selling toast.”

4. “It’s so hot, Hillary Clinton will continue campaigning in her pantsuit…without the pants.”

3. “It’s so hot, in Colorado, Washington, Alaska and Oregon, joints are lighting themselves.”

2. “It’s so hot, I ran into a burning building, just to cool off.”

1. “It’s so hot, Melania Trump actually appreciated the cool reception her plagiarized speech got.”
 

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10. “I think Donald Trump has said he’s qualified to be President because of his business record. A few days ago, he said, and I quote, ‘I’m going to do for the country what I did for my business.’ So let’s take a look at what he did for his business. He’s written a lot of books about business; they all seem to end at Chapter 11.” — Hillary Clinton

9. “Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag.” — Conan O’Brien

8. “Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them ‘anxious.’ And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them ‘Canadian.’” — Conan O’Brien

7. “Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it.” — John Oliver

6. “In a prepared speech last night, Donald Trump told supporters he is going to ‘take care of our African-American people’ – though I don’t think he should have added ‘once and for all.’” — Seth Meyers

5. “At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. Proving once and for all, the best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump.” — Jimmy Fallon

4. “In an interview this morning, Donald Trump said mosques need to be ‘watched and studied’ because he believes they may spread hateful views. In related news, Donald Trump needs to be watched and studied.” — Seth Meyers

3. “Bernie Sanders picked up his fourth union endorsement this week from the Amalgamated Transit Union. Meanwhile, Donald Trump has yet to pick up any union endorsements, but does have several from The Confederacy.” — Seth Meyers

2. “A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, ‘Trump’s a racist.’ The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted.” — Seth Meyers

1. “I’m voting for Hillary, because better the devil you know…than the Actual Devil!”
 

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10. Crocked Spaniel

9. Spitz Schlitz

8. Bowser Boozer

7. Doberman Pilsner

6. Malt-ese

5. Pug Mug

4. Aledale

3. Coor-gi

2. Here’s Mutt In Your Eye

1. Shit-faced Shih Tzu
 

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10. Sin Dependence Day

9. Drop Your Pants and Fire a Rocket!

8. Red, White, and Very Blue

7. Seventeen Seventy-Sex

6. Porn on the Fourth of July

5. Time for Some Fireworks!

4. There’s a Barbecue in My Pants

3. The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!

2. The Fourth of Julie

1. Yank My Doodle! It’s A Dandy!
 

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10. The Cat With The Gat

9. Duck Duck Goose…No Duck!!

8. Goodnight, Moon – Click, Click, BOOM!

7. Bazooka Joe

6. Charlie and the Munitions Factory

5. The Lion, the Witch, and the War Cannon

4. Where the Wild Things Were

3. Cloudy with a Chance of Shrapnel

2. One Fish Two Fish Dead Fish Stew Fish

1. The Wizard of Uzi
 

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