10. I bet the butcher fifty bucks he couldn’t reach the meat on the top shelf, but he said the steaks were too high.

9. When my wife kicked me out, I started living in a telephone booth, because I just wanted somewhere I could call home.

8. I made a chicken salad last night, but apparently they prefer to eat grain.

7. Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee looks larger and larger the closer it gets, and then it hit me!

6. I was hanging from the bridge when a rescue worker shouted, “Whatever you do, don’t look down!” – so I started smiling.

5. When people ask me why I wanted to be a film editor, I answer, “Well, to cut a long story short…”

4. I’ve just invented a working catapult, but it’s disguised as a sofa, so it tends to throw a lot of people.

3. While I was using the ATM, this little old gray-haired lady asked me if I’d help her check her balance, so I pushed her over.

2. I sent ten different puns into a local newspaper’s pun contest, hoping that one of them would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

1. Yesterday, on its last day, my best friend, who’s a dyslexic plumber, told me just how disappointed he was in this year’s Philadelphia Shower Flow.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, ends & odd by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. Fly Like a Beagle

9. Canine to Five

8. Hello, Collie!

7. MacArthur Bark

6. What If Dog Was One of Us

5. Hit Me With Your Vet Shot

4. When I Think About You I Lick Myself

3. I Like Big Mutts and I Cannot Lie

2. I Got 99 Problems but a Bitch Is One

1. Blinded by the Light (Wrapped Up Like a Pooch)
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: animals, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. What has four legs and an arm?
A happy pit bull.

9. What are the three most terrifying words a woman can say?
“Notice anything different?”

8. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.

7. Why did the chicken commit suicide?
To get to the other side.

6. What does a man with two right feet wear to the beach?
Flop-flops.

5. Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
Because the ‘p’ is silent.

4. How does a pessimist count his blessings?
“Ten…Nine…Eight…Seven…Six…”

3. What is ET short for?
Because he’s got them tiny little legs.

2. What do the films Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?
“Icy dead people.”

1. Why does Donald Trump sleep with a tub of hummus?
Because there’s nothing he LOVES MORE than when he has a chickpea in his bed.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, ends & odd by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. “I understand that the Oscar was actually named after a guy named ‘Oscar’.”

9. “The montage of dead actors at the Golden Globes is a good indication of who’ll still be dead tonight.”

8. “I hear new U.S. Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III is hoping that Ruth Negga wins for Loving just so he can say, ‘Well, mercy me! I do declare, a Negga just won Best Actress!’ and not get in trouble for it.”

7. “I’d like to thank the Academy. And for those of you who think it’s an honor just to be nominated: What a bunch of losers!!”

6. “I was considered ‘ineligible for a 2016 Academy Award,’ I think probably because I didn’t actually do anything this year.”

5. “I love that new ‘anatomically correct’ Oscar; it’s so much easier to carry!.”

4. “I’m so glad the Academy has finally recognized O.J. Simpson. They totally overlooked him for those Naked Gun movies.”

3. “I only hope I live long enough to be included in that In Memoriam segment.”

2. “I thought La La Land was about a Magical Kingdom ruled over by that yellow Teletubby with the curly antenna!”

1. “When I was backstage, I accidentally knocked over a couple of envelopes, but I can’t see how that can be a problem. I mean, they’ve only got one award left to present.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, movies by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. Catbernet Sauvignon

9. Wine Lives

8. Yellow (Cat)tail

7. Furgandy

6. Clawvignon Blanc

5. Cat Nips

4. Pinot Meow

3. Mos-cat-o

2. A-purry-tif

1. FeWine
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: animals, Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, drugs & alcohol by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. A Valentine that finds us far apart.

9. Though distance can’t dilute your brilliant Light.

8. I Love you very much, with all my heart.

7. And soon we two will finally reunite.

6. And nevermore will I be far from you.

5. And pleasing you will be my only aim.

4. Then nevermore shall we be rent in two,

3. United in the all-consuming flame!

2. Our path was fated since before Creation:

1. A Love forged in a Twin Flame Conflagration!
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, living poetry by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

1. Because it’s called “Top ten favorite lines for a Valentine’s Day poem” and tomorrow, somehow, just seems more appropriate.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, living poetry by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. The Fat Ugly Face Law: Which bans Rosie O’Donnell from showing her fat ugly face, or any of her other fat ugly parts, in public.

9. The Long Wall Law: Which mandates the building of a wall between the U.S. and Mexico, up the East Coast, along the U.S.-Canadian border, and down the West Coast, to be built by whichever construction company covertly contributes the most money to Trump’s re-election campaign.

8. The P.G. Law: Which gives the Pussy-Grabber-in-Chief carte blanche.

7. The Don’t Ask Law: Which bans gays and lesbians from serving in the military, except maybe for the occasional USO show.

6. The Trickle-Down Law: Which reduces the taxes of corporations and one-percenters to zero, because we know they’re going to spend that extra money like crazy so everybody can get rich.

5. The No-Immigration Law: Which bans all further immigration, because isn’t the country already full enough?

4. The Peekaboo Law: Which will require a government-vetted male to stand outside every men’s room and a government-vetted female to stand outside every ladies’ room to check the genitalia of anyone wishing to use the facilities, with all unisex bathrooms banned outright.

3. Trumpcare: Obamacare’s replacement, which will save millions in federal dollars, and provide each family a DIY health kit containing, for example, a DVD interview with Russian surgeon Leonid Rogozov who, in 1961 Antarctica, was forced to remove his own appendix.

2. The Alternative Facts Law: Which mandates that every atlas and history book publisher must print a second version of each of their books, containing such alternative facts as the thrilling story of how the fearless Donald J. Trump single-handedly took out bin Laden.

1. The Wretched Movie Law: Which bans the showing, airing, or sale of the films A League of Their Own, Sleepless in Seattle, The Flintstones, Exit to Eden, Pitch Perfect 2, or any other movie featuring Rosie O’Donnell.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, politics & government by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. “TWEET WOMEN WITH RESPECT”

9. “A GIRL’S PLACE IS IN THE RESISTANCE”

8. “KEEP YOUR ROSARIES OFF MY OVARIES”

7. “THERE’S A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR KELLYANNE”

6. “ANTI-CLIMATE, ANTI-WOMEN, ANTI-IMMIGRANT, ANTI-WORKER, ANTI-HEALTH CARE, ANTI-EDUCATION, ANTI-CHOICE, ANTI-CIVIL JUSTICE, ANTI-TRUTH. SAD!”

5. “WHAT DO WE WANT? EVIDENCE-BASED SCIENCE! WHEN DO WE WANT IT? AFTER PEER REVIEW!”

4. “KEEP YOUR TINY HANDS OFF MY RIGHTS”

3. “HONESTLY, THERE ARE TOO MANY PROBLEMS WITH THIS ADMINISTRATION TO ADEQUATELY SUMMARIZE IN ONE SIGN”

2. “THE TRUTH IS GOLDEN. SHOWER HIM IN IT!”

1. “OUR FIRST BLACKMAILED PRESIDENT”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, politics & government by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. “The head of Trump’s inaugural committee says the Inauguration is going to feature a ‘soft sensuality’. Does that mean that, when Trump fucks the country, he’s going to be gentle about it?”

9. “After the Rockettes perform, I hear Trump is going to greet each one personally – in his special way.”

8. “I just hope Trump tweets about this Inauguration with all the dignity it deserves.”

7. “If you’re wondering what that low rumbling noise is, that’s every dead President rolling over in his grave.”

6. “Trump is being sworn in with the lowest approval rating ever! Thirty-two percent! – I mean, that three points lower than Zika!”

5. “After the B Street Band, which is the Bruce Springsteen cover band, decided to withdraw from entertaining at Trump’s Inauguration, I heard that the C Street Band, which is the B Street Band cover band, decided to pull out, too. And, as of today, they’re up to the letter ‘L’.”

4. “I hope they wind up with the P Street Band – make that the P Sheet Band.”

3. “With what Trump’s said about delegating responsibility, shouldn’t they be swearing in Mike Pence?”

2. “So, in just a few minutes, George W. Bush will no longer officially be ‘America’s Worst President Ever’.”

1. “I can’t wait until he puts his hand on the Bible and it bursts into flames!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, politics & government by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. “They’re having a 20/20 special on Trump’s inauguration that’s forced ABC to push back its premiers of Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder – to make room for the special about Trump called Scandal, and How To Get Away With Murder.” – Jimmy Fallon, January 11

9. “Penthouse is offering a million dollars to anyone who has compromising videos of Donald Trump. When he heard about the offer, Trump provided the videos himself. ‘I know a good deal when I see one.’” – Jimmy Fallon, January 12

8. “Donald Trump reportedly paid aides and staffers to cheer and clap for him at his press conference yesterday. Eh, it’s not the worst thing he could pay people to do for him.” – Seth Meyers, January 12

7. “The big story right now is that Russia has enough embarrassing material on Donald Trump to blackmail him. On the other hand, so does anyone who follows Trump on Twitter. ” – Jimmy Fallon, January 11

6. “There’s a story going around causing a lot of strong feelings on both sides. Here’s the deal: there are these troubling allegations that Russia has compromising information on Donald Trump, and for reasons I can’t explain, some are calling it ‘Goldengate’.” – Stephen Colbert, January 12

5. “Donald Trump seemingly dismissed unverified reports that he hired prostitutes to perform golden showers in Russia, saying that he was very much of a germaphobe. I guess that’s why, when he meets beautiful women, he doesn’t grab them by the hand.” – Seth Meyers, January 11

4. “The graphic images in the report are, in fact, shocking. But, you know, anyone who has been in Trump’s apartments already knows that he loves gold: golden chairs, golden bathtubs, golden toilets. Panel, anything else in a bathroom that could be, you know, golden? Three living former Presidents are going to be in attendance at Trump’s Inauguration — George W. Bush, Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton — while most other former Presidents wrote back to say they can’t make it because they’ll be busy rolling over in their graves.” – Tom Hanks, January 14

3. “As for this claim that, during a trip to Moscow, Trump paid prostitutes to urinate on the bed, that’s bullshit! Like we’re supposed to believe Trump has started paying people who do work for him?” – Samantha Bee, January 11

2. “The British MI6 agent who put together this information, Christopher Steele, is now on the run. According to The Daily Mail, he was seen fleeing his home yesterday, and asked a neighbor to take care of his cat. Oh, you’ve got to protect the cat, because Trump is known for grabbing the pussy.” – Stephen Colbert, January 12

1. “Everyone admits this report is unverified, and the man is about to be President of the United States, so I’m not going to validate that report by sharing the most salacious details from it. Even the detail everyone’s talking about; you might call it the Number One detail. I think this is just an unfortunate leak that’s making a huge mess. And I know I’m being a wet blanket, but reporting on this is the worst kind of yellow journalism. And even though jokes about this are a golden opportunity, I won’t do it. Not to stay the story didn’t make a huge splash; it did. It flooded Twitter. We’ll keep you up to date as facts trickle in. We have our best researcher working on it; she’s a real whiz. One thing is for sure: the President Elect is a Goldwater Republican who truly believes in trickle down. So I’m not going to make any jokes, not even a wee one. So I’m cutting it off now; I’m finished. Wait, a little more is coming out. But after eight years of listening to Trump make unsubstantiated claims about Obama’s birth certificate, I don’t think it matters if this is true or not, because the fact is, it’s out there, and that means, Mr. Trump, you’re in trouble.” – Stephen Colbert, January 11
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, politics & government by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. “It’s so cold, your car won’t start running and your nose won’t stop.”

9. “It’s so cold, my aunt accidentally tripped and keyed someone’s car with her nipple.”

8. “It’s so cold, you leave your freezer door open to help warm up the house.”

7. “It’s so cold, throwing a snowball is legally classified as ‘assault with a deadly weapon’.”

6. “It’s so cold, you have trouble jump-starting your penguin.”

5. “It’s so cold, my snowman got frostbite.”

4. “It’s so cold, I chipped a tooth on my soup.”

3. “It’s so cold, a big-rig driver from Alabama froze off his truck nuts.”

2. “It’s so cold, someone stole your aquarium’s four glass sides…and no one has noticed yet.”

1. “It’s so cold, Hell actually froze over — which helps explain Trump becoming President.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, environment & nature by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. You can achieve everything you want, if you’re unambitious enough.

9. Politics isn’t left vs. right, it’s top vs. bottom.

8. Never get in line behind the Devil at the DMV, for the Devil takes many forms.

7. The speed with which a woman says, “Nothing,” when asked what’s wrong is inversely proportional to the intensity of the coming storm.

6. I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.

5. (for anyone in a relationship) Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?

4. War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.

3. The face of a child says it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

2. We don’t negotiate with terrorists, except for the price of the weapons we sell them.

1. If you don’t think it’s all about perspective, just consider the fact that the sinking of the Tiitanic was a miracle for the lobsters in the ship’s kitchen.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, ends & odd by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. Santa’s elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.

9. The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven’t seen for 20 minutes.

8. ’Tis the season to awkwardly walk by someone ringing a bell.

7. I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying “Toys not included.”

6. As Mrs. Grinch said, “His heart wasn’t the only thing that was two sizes too small.”

5. Are we doing “Secret Santa” this year, because I accidentally bought some unsalted butter.

4. I am the ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Subjunctive, and I will show you what would have happened were you not to have changed your ways!

3. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

2. It’s hard to believe, but there are 364 days until Christmas, and people already have their Christmas lights up.

1. I wasn’t planning on giving Christmas gifts this year, but then I heard about those Samsung Galaxy phones.
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, ends & odd by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. Easy Bake Microwave

9. Mr. Wizard’s Lobotomy Kit

8. Miss Piggy’s Big Bag o’ Pork

7. Black and Decker Silly Driller

6. Gasp! – The Saran Wrap Game

5. Hospital Waste Grab Bag

4. The Chris Christie Home Stomach-Stapler

3. Fisher-Price Choking Hazard

2. Baby’s First Nail Gun

1. The Electoral College
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, games by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. Vice President: Mike Pence, a man who believes homosexuality can be cured by conversion therapy, opposes homosexuals serving in the military, signed the Indiana law making it okay to discriminate against gays and lesbians, believes in abstinence-only sex education, seeks to defund Planned Parenthood, and is a Climate Change denier.

9. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Ben Carson, the somnambulant former presidential candidate who has publicly stated he doesn’t want to work in government and isn’t qualified to run a federal agency, is a Climate Change denier, and also believes that the Pyramids of Giza were not tombs, but grain silos built by Joseph, the Biblical son of Jacob.

8. Secretary of Labor: Andy Puzder, a fast-food CEO (Carl’s Jr., Hardee’s) who is, naturally, against raising the minimum wage, and fiercely against over-regulation.

7. Administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency: Scott Pruitt, a fossil-fuel advocate, a sworn enemy of the EPA, and a staunch Climate Change denier.

6. Administrator of the Small Business Administration: Linda McMahon, a professional wrestling magnate and former wife of World Wrestling Federation/Entertainment wrestler/announcer Vince McMahon, who was aware that at least 40% of professional wrestlers were illegally abusing steroids, resulting in a death rate seven times greater than the general population.

5. Secretary of the Treasury: Steven Mnuchin, a former Goldman Sachs partner, who wants to reduce corporate taxes, and has said his number one priority on the regulatory side is to strip back parts of Dodd–Frank.

4. Secretary of Commerce: Wilbur Ross, who formed International Coal Group in 2004, a mining company allowed to be set up free of labor unions, health care and pensions, and who was well aware of his Sago Mine’s safety problems before a 2006 explosion that killed 12.

3. Secretary of Education: Betsy DeVos, a fierce proponent of school vouchers that would allow students to attend private schools with public funding, and one of the architects of the Detroit charter school system, which even charter advocates acknowledge is the biggest school reform disaster in the country.

2. National Security Adviser: Michael T. Flynn, who has repeatedly fallen for conspiracy theories and hoaxes, helping to spread the rumor about Pizzagate, the absurd story that Hillary Clinton was running a secret child sex ring out of the basement of a Washington, DC pizzaria, a rumor that led a 28-year-old gunman to enter the pizzeria and fire off an assault rifle.

1. Chief Strategist and Senior Counselor: Steve Bannon, former executive chair of Breitbart News, a far-right news, opinion and commentary website (famous for such headlines as “Birth Control Makes Women Unattractive and Crazy” and “Why Equality and Diversity Departments Should Only Hire Rich, Straight White Men”), who is an admitted member of the alt-right (aka, white nationalism, a movement associated with white supremacism, Islamophobia, antifeminism, homophobia, and antisemitism).
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, politics & government by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. When my doctor emailed me asking me if I knew my “blod group,” I replied, “Typo.”

9. If you have trouble getting your gecko up in the morning, you may have a reptile dysfunction.

8. When I was young, I used to feel like a man trapped in a woman’s body, but all of that changed when I was born.

7. “Have I made myself clear?” said the chameleon standing in front of the sheet of glass.

6. I intend to live forever, and…so far, so good!

5. I put tape on all the mirrors in my house, so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

4. I just finished writing a book about poltergeists, and I’m happy to say it’s flying off the shelves.

3. I’m taking a levitation course and, on my very first day I went straight to the top of the class!

2. I’ve started sending Tweets telepathically — so if you think of something funny, that’s me!

1. Two parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet! (although I guess, technically, that’s a two-line joke.)
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, ends & odd by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. Touched by a Millionaire

9. 8 Simple Rules for Me Dating My Daughter

8. Mad Man

7. Arrested Developer

6. How I Met Your Mother While Cheating On My First Wife

5. Sexist in the City

4. The Fresh Prince of Hot Air

3. Who Wants to Be a Millionaire Who Never Pays Taxes

2. The Blunder Years

1. The Amazing Racist
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, politics & government by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. “This is my last chance! We’re shipping out tomorrow!”

9. “Let’s say you and I ‘bury the hatchet’ – if thou catchest my drift.”

8. “I must compliment you on your magnificent spread!”

7. “Care for a little white meat?”

6. “Just because I am a Puritan does not mean that I am puritanical.”

5. “Indeed, I must unbutton my breeches, as they are on the verge of bursting.”

4. “If you’d just be a little more ‘giving’, I’d certainly extend my ‘thanks’.”

3. “I am still deciding which I prefer, a leg or a breast?”

2. “Thou art quite handy with thine bow and arrow. How wouldst thou like to place thy shaft into my quiver?”

1. “I doth ache to get mine Plymouth Rocks off.”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, ends & odd by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »

10. “Do you want to see the upstairs bathroom, or do you just want to save it all ’til you shit on the Constitution?”

9. “I made history by being the first Black President. And you’ll make history by being the first orange one.”

8. “Once you’re President, how long do you think it’ll be before I get stopped and frisked?”

7. “When it comes to honesty, I know your reputation. And just to let you know, I’ve counted the silverware.”

6. “I’m gonna introduce you to Michelle now, but if you grab anything, you’re comin’ away with a bloody stump.”

5. “If you ever have any questions any time day or night, I’m just a phone call away. And my number is ‘Five-five-five…’”

4. “So I guess you’re going to take the two-word phrase ‘White House’ and stick the word ‘Supremacist’ in the middle.”

3. “I’ll tell you all the secrets about Area 51 if you’ll tell me the secret about what that thing is on your head.”

2. “So Orange really is the new Black!”

1. “It must give you great pleasure to be doin’ your favorite thing in the world: evicting a Black family from their home!”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, politics & government by Bob Sullivan
No Comments »