10. Instead of giving you a chair, he makes you squat

9. He insists that you think of him as “Your boss…with benefits”

8. Your healthcare plan is a box of bandaids

7. “Casual Friday” means he comes to work in his pajamas

6. You wish he were only “all hands”

5. Your “probationary period” is now in its sixteenth year

4. You have to submit your request to use the bathroom two days in advance

3. The closest thing you’ve had to a promotion is when they doubled your lunch break to ten minutes

2. He greets you every morning with the phrase, “Do you still work here?!”

1. He insists on paying you in Cheetos
 

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10. A love child from the future came back and tried to terminate the pregnancy

9. When the doctor delivered him, he slapped the doctor back

8. In the neonatal unit, he kept hitting on all the female babies

7. His mom had to buy baby food by the case

6. He always babbled in a thick Austrian accent

5. His mother always referred to her son as “my little ‘hasta la vista’ baby”

4. At three months, he was bench-pressing his crib

3. If you tried taking candy from this baby, you’d come back with a bloody stump

2. In his first-grade play, he couldn’t act to save himself

1. He was just offered a position as the new head of the International Monetary Fund

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10. The rats have gnawed through your garden hose, making it impossible to hose down the hallway

9. Your living room’s leaf pile dates from three autumns ago

8. The producers of Hoarders thought your place was just a little too much

7. Your heating vents are clogged with Frito crumbs

6. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come inside

5. The Health Department has you on speed dial

4. When you go in the kitchen, your spouse uses Raid to provide cover fire

3. You have so many dust bunnies, the legs of your bed no longer touch the floor

2. You’ve misplaced two of your children

1. Your refrigerator has a wet hacking cough
 

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10. “I knew it was a bad idea to leave the fireworks in the trunk on a day this hot!”

9. “That’s not mayonnaise; you’re standing under a tree.”

8. “I think Grandma lost her dentures in the coleslaw again.”

7. “I told Phil a thousand times: either lose some weight or don’t stand directly over the septic tank.”

6. “Weird Uncle Frank wants to play his DVD that certainly sounds patriotic; it’s called The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!”

5. “Why does my hot dog have an engagement ring on it?”

4. “Which is the burger and which is the charcoal?”

3. “I hope nobody minds, but today’s barbecue is completely vegan.”

2. “To give it that little something extra, I put lighter fluid in the punch.”

1. “It’s deer meat! Couldn’t have been in the road more than a day or two.”

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10. The ‘corsage’ he pins to your dress his handmade from Bounty paper towels

9. He takes you to the prom in the basket of his Schwinn

8. Every time he starts dancing, concerned chaperones place a wrapped spoon in his mouth to prevent him from biting his tongue

7. He wants to be home by 9:00 so he can catch the rerun of Fringe

6. He claims he’s suffering from ‘Bieber Fever’

5. He’s wearing a cardboard Burger King crown

4. His tux was ‘borrowed’ from his dad’s funeral home business

3. When he asks you if you want to catch a bite somewhere, he displays his collection of coupons

2. He keeps calling you “Mommy”

1. You’re both wearing the same dress

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10. “To prove I’m a good Democrat, I wanted to demonstrate that I lean a bit to the left.”

9. “I just love showing off Little Anthony and the Imperials.”

8. “I was confused by the term ‘junk e-mail’.”

7. “I wanted to show how hard it is to be a senator.”

6. “I was auditioning for a Calvin Klein ad.”

5. “As a forward thinker, I wanted to point the way.”

4. “I just wanted to answer the age-old question: Boxers or briefs?”

3. “When I originally said that I had been hacked, I was referring to my circumcision.”

2. “I am very proud of the staff I have under me.”

1. “For those who were confused about how to pronounce my last name, I wanted to send them a visual reminder.”

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10. A honeymoon bed with handrails

9. A defibrillator

8. A subscription to Penthouse

7. That new STD iPhone app

6. A copy of Kama Sutra for the Infirm

5. A collection of naked TSA photos

4. A tuxedo with a built-in adult diaper

3. A Viagra Pez dispenser

2. A Playboy calendar with only May and December in it

1. A Rascal scooter with a “Just Married” sign and tin cans tied to the back
 

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10. Your play about General Schwarzkopf is called The Book of Norman

9. At least twice a week, another Spidey stuntman is maimed or killed

8. Trying to cash in on jukebox musicals like Mamma Mia and Movin’ Out, your new musical is called Ice Ice Baby

7. The marquee reads “Pauly Shore Is Jean Valjean”

6. Your Feydeau farce features Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn chasing the French maid

5. No matter how good it is, your fifth-grade production of Death of a Salesman is not eligible

4. Instead of “Author! Author!” audience shouts “Boo! Kill!”

3. All the dialogue has been translated into Portuguese, because it loses something in the original

2. Your choreographer is straight

1. Your one-man show dealt mainly with your tiger’s blood, Adonis DNA, and fire-breathing fists

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10. He delivers his speech without moving his lips, thanks to his little ventriloquist’s dummy ‘Muammar’

9. Her first name is Snooki

8. His speech is laced with crude double entendres and Polish jokes

7. He can’t emphasize enough the many incredible advantages of buying a ShamWow!

6. His claim to fame: He played Epstein on Welcome Back, Kotter

5. She goes on and on about how Barack Obama’s birth certificate has to be a forgery

4. Before he goes on, he asks the principal if he wants a little ‘nose candy’

3. He claims to have deciphered the “secret language of kitty cats”

2. He begins his speech, “If life hands you lemons, you should squeeze the juice directly into the wounds of your enemies.”

1. He spends an entire hour blathering on about his tiger’s blood, Adonis DNA, and fire-breathing fists

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10. On your paper “What I Plan To Do After Graduation,” your teacher wrote “Guess again”

9. Your final paper in Music class was entitled “Why Justin Bieber Is the New Mozart”

8. The last time you picked up a book, it took you the better part of the afternoon to find all the Waldos

7. It’s bad enough you had an affair with a teacher, but the shop teacher?!

6. In Geography class, you identified the Ivory Coast as “two brands of soap”

5. In your high school yearbook, you were voted ‘Most Likely to Be Unable to Tell His Ass from a Hole in the Ground’

4. You were caught out on the football field, sticking a suppository into a hole in the ground

3. In Chemistry, the only elements you could name from the periodic table were Neon, Freon, Dione, and Leon

2. After years of instruction, you still talk into the wrong end of the telephone

1. The only history you learned all year long, you learned from Glenn Beck’s Classroom of the Air
 

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10. When he claimed on the Senate floor that abortion is “well over ninety percent of what Planned Parenthood does,” he was only off by eighty-seven percent.

9. When his spokesperson later clarified this by saying “His remark was not intended to be a factual statement,” he never said what it was intended to be.

8. At birth, Sen. Kyl’s doctors legally listed him as a hermaphrodite.

7. In his teens, he was a Junior Wizard with the Ku Klux Klan.

6. Once, in Reno, Sen. Kyl beat a man to death with a sockful of nickels, just to watch him die.

5. He was happy to become the Senate Minority Whip, owing to his extensive collection of whips and other S&M paraphernalia.

4. Sen. Kyl impregnated three of his former female Senate staffers, then made them have abortions financed by taxpayer dollars.

3. Sen. Kyl is a deep-cover mole in the Koch Brother’s covert plan to subvert the U.S. Constitution and create a plutocracy in this country.

2. Beyond this, Sen. Kyl is a deeper-cover mole working for the inhabitants of Klaxxor, a planet intending to harvest human beings for food.

1. None of the previous statements were intended to be factual.

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10. Instead of 72 virgins, he was greeted by 12 goats

9. Hell’s only movie theater is showing The Love Guru on a continuous loop

8. The constant whine of smoke alarms really gets on your nerves

7. The road there was actually paved with bad intentions

6. Evidently, none of the suicide bombers made it to Heaven

5. Hitler knows some great ethnic jokes

4. While it’s unbearably hot, there’s no humidity!

3. Hell TV airs nothing but reality shows 24–7

2. They’re expecting a cold snap if Sarah Palin gets elected President

1. It turns out “the Great Satan” isn’t the United States after all

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10. Runs Like A Girl

9. Papa’s Got A Brand New Nag

8. Lackluster

7. Sassy Sashay

6. Last Chance Harvey

5. Dances with Gluepots

4. Newt

3. Runs Sideways

2. Push ’Em Back! Shove ’Em Back! Swayback!

1. Limping Biscuit
 

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10. A gift certificate to Scepters R Us

9. The latest CD from Prince

8. Gold bricks

7. An English-American dictionary

6. An athletic cup to protect the crown jewels

5. The illusion that their family still has some power

4. A nightie from Queen Victoria’s Secret

3. A sobriety test for the future Princess Kate’s personal driver

2. Something to read on the throne

1. Nothing (what could you possibly get them that they don’t already have?)
 

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10. He’s been hiding Easter eggs in his pants

9. He’s been asking people to call him ‘Moammar’

8. He invested all his money in 8-track technology

7. Instead of hopping down the bunny trail, he’s been sashaying

6. He just declared jihad against Santa

5. He believes Newt Gingrich’s claim that Newt’s extramarital affairs stemmed from how passionately he feels about America

4. He claims his favorite television show is “It’s Always Bunny in Philadelphia”

3. He’s been sneaking into bedrooms and leaving eggs under pillows after taking away the teeth

2. All he’ll eat is artificial grass

1. He claims to have tiger’s blood, Adonis DNA, and fire-breathing fists
 

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10. My dog ate my tax form

9. My accountant was recommended by Nicholas Cage

8. I’ve decided to make my own stimulus package

7. Sarah Palin claims paying taxes contributes to Big Government Socialism

6. Math hurts my head

5. I got an April first e-mail saying we didn’t have to pay any taxes this year

4. Lindsay Lohan stole my 1040

3. I’m protesting the fact that our ‘theater of war’ has become a multiplex

2. After I claimed all the voices in my head as deductions, it turned out the government owed me money

1. I just woke up from my New Year’s Eve party
 

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10. Her failed vice presidential candidacy and half-term as governor

9. Her ability to keep an eye on Russia from her house

8. The millions available to her, since the Tea Party is an extremely pro-Big Business movement financed by the billionaire Koch brothers and disguising itself as populist

7. If she doesn’t feel up to giving a State of the Union message, her ability to have Tina Fey substitute for her

6. Her eight-episode reality show Sarah Palin’s Alaska

5. Her keeping in touch with voters through tweets and a Facebook page – even though they were actually written by cyber ghostwriter Rebecca Mansour

4. Her launching a Facebook page under the name Lou Sarah, so she could praise the work of the fake Sarah Palin

3. Her ability to write her acceptance speech on her hand

2. As a Pentecostal, her belief in Armageddon as predicted in the Book of Revelations

1. As Commander-in-Chief, her ability to make sure Armageddon happens on schedule
 

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10. Gas-powered electric blankets

9. Whole-Watermelon-in-a-Box

8 The motorized garden gnome

7. Plug-in mittens

6. The electric toilet paper dispenser

5. Coconuts packed in Styrofoam

4. The return of the Hummer

3. The electric spoon

2. The gas-powered pooper scooper

1. Individually wrapped peas
 

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10. “I just thought she was the silent type.”

9. “It was a female corpse; I’m not a pervert or anything!”

8. “The mortician did such a good job, she wasn’t just ‘lifelike,’ she was ‘hot!’”

7. “I thought she was exaggerating when she said she was ‘dead on her feet’.”

6. “It was like she was holding her breath in anticipation.”

5. “My buddies insisted I dig up a date for the senior prom.”

4. “I’m really into recycling!”

3. “After a hard day at work, there’s nothing more relaxing than coming home and cracking open a cold one.”

2. “All those flowers put me in a romantic mood.”

1. “I just love a girl who can’t say ‘No’.”
 

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10. You don’t care who you get your shamrocks off with

9. You keep going up to strangers and saying, “Ire me; I’m kiss-ish!”

8. You think a tube of toothpaste is astronaut food

7. You keep wishing someone would drive the snakes out of your head

6. You wonder how you wound up with a lower stomach tattoo that says “Kiss My Lucky Charms!”

5. You’re now thinking Sarah Palin is Presidential material

4. You can actually see leprechauns

3. You make Charlie Sheen look like Justin Bieber

2. You wonder how you wound up with a bent shillelagh

1. You spend the entire night doing your Linda Blair impression
 

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