10. That, at one state dinner, Obama strongly implied that the defrosted ham was actually fresh!

9. The scandal of Obama hiding something about his heritage: he’s mostly Irish

8. The disgrace of Obama once meeting heads of state wearing a clip-on

7. The fact that Obama really really wanted to call his first daughter Clinique

6. That Obama recently sanctioned killer computer worms able to zap any computer user who dare read this Top Ten list

5. Obama sinking so low as to make the ridiculous accusation that Fox News is screaming ‘scandal’ ‘scandal’ ‘scandal’ ‘scandal’ infinity-times-infinity times just in the hopes that, eventually, something might stick

4. The Smell-Of-Cigarette-Smoke-After-Midnight Scandal!

3. That, when Obama was three, he once advertently stared up a grass skirt

2. That Obama smoked so much dope in Hawaii, it has undoubtedly kept him from even greater things – than being the most powerful man on the face of the earth

1. White-After-Labor-Day-Gate
 

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10. Have policemen and firefighters work on commission

9. Convince the EU to go in with us on a Groupon

8. Rent out Mount Rushmore to rappelling clubs

7. Put advertisements on our currency

6. Don’t pay mailmen anything, but let them keep whatever’s in every other package

5. Sell one of the Carolinas and one of the Dakotas

4. Put turnstiles in the border wall between Mexico and Texas

3. Charge visitors to the Statue of Liberty ten bucks to look up her robe

2. Turn the National Mall into a real mall

1. Only paying Congressmen for work that actually gets done
 

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10. Strap a dust cloth to the dog’s tail, then show him a porterhouse steak

9. If you see a fuzzy ball in the corner, make sure it doesn’t need to be killed before you throw it away

8. You can skip those hard-to-reach places, because nobody looks there anyway

7. Dryer lint can be formed into a lovely snowman ornament and stored away for next Christmas

6. When you take a shower, be sure to wear clothes and carry some dishes, thus killing three birds with one stone

5. If you replace your couch and easy chair with plastic lawn furniture, cleaning them is just a hose away

4. If you remove the actual glass from your windows, they’ll always look crystal clean

3. Leave the attic and the basement as they are – out of sight, out of mind

2. When checking out the wearability of clothes, don’t just use the ‘sniff’ test, but also use the ‘stiff’ test

1. If you scrape up the caked-on toothpaste from the bottom of your sink, it can be formed into lovely after-dinner mints
 

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10. I Might As Well Be Dating Jody Foster

9. One Night On A Carnival Cruise!

8. Crepe Paper, Bunting, and Gym Sock Odor!

7. The Future Is Ours! (1% only)

6. The Blue Ball

5. Journey to the Center of My Pants

4. Chlamydia-Palooza!

3. Moon Over Gitmo

2. Memories To Last An Evening

1. I Might As Well Be Dating Manti Te’o’s Girlfriend
 

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10. Vote for a Stand-Up Guy!

9. The Right Man with the Right Staff!

8. Anthony Weiner! – He’s the Full Package!

7. Too Big to Fail!

6. You Can’t Keep a Good Weiner Down!

5. Progress You Can Hang Your Hat On!

4. Anthony Weiner: Hard On Crime!

3. Fighting for Working Stiffs Everywhere!

2. I’m No Quitter! I Plan to Stick It Out!

1. Once an Upstanding Member of Congress!
 

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10. “No Mother’s Day card this year, but I did send you a tweet!”

9. “I’m taking you out to dinner, but you have to hurry; Taco Bell closes at nine.”

8. “The word ‘love’ seems a little strong. I can ‘tolerate’ you.”

7. “Here’s your gift: a DVD of Oedipus Rex –you sexy mama!”

6. “I wouldn’t call you a great mother, but you’re probably better than Joan Crawford.”

5. “And look what I got for you: a five-day Carnival Cruise!”

4. “Here are all the ingredients for a great Mother’s Day dinner. All you have to do is cook it!”

3. “As I live and breathe! You’re still breathing!”

2. “Of course these flowers aren’t stolen from a funeral home. That banner just means, when you go to sleep tonight, I hope you rest peacefully.”

1. “Mom, I have a surprise for you: I’m adopted!!” 

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10. His odds are about the same as Romney’s winning the next Presidential election

9. The racing form states he’s a descendant of Seattle Stew

8. He’s scared of crowds

7. His nickname is Tripod

6. The Elmer’s glue people have already put in a bid

5. Trotting gives him the trots

4. The only surface he’s ever run on is shag carpeting

3. Parts of him have already shown up in British beef burgers

2. In the starting gate, he’s facing the wrong way

1. Your jockey is Chris Christie
 

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10. “If all those Congressman can’t figure out their finances, how do you expect me to?”

9. “I have a deathly fear of 1040 paper cuts.”

8. “Trying to use the Qualified Dividends and Capital Gains Tax Worksheet gave me a severe brain cramp.”

7. “My dog ate my return.”

6. “Fill out a tax form?! I can’t even figure out my tip at the Red Lobster.”

5. “I’m rich. I thought we were exempt.”

4. “When I burned my business down for the insurance, I forgot to remove my receipts first.”

3. “I thought the penalty for filing late would make for a sweet deduction on next year’s return.”

2. “I don’t want to bounce any more checks.”

1. “I was stuck on a Carnival Cruise.”
 

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10. “Look, if you file late, it’s no skin off my nose.”

9. “I’m pretty sure you just multiply your income by 1040.”

8. “You needed another deduction, so I billed you again.”

7. “My last client was Wesley Snipes.”

6. “Of course one bajillion is a real number.”

5. “It’s close enough; it’s five of one, half a dozen of the other.”

4. “To save you some dough, I listed myself as one of your dependents.”

3. “Please, no math. It makes my brain hurt.”

2. “Don’t worry. You know that little box ‘For Office Use Only’? I wrote in ‘Approved. Send Massive Refund’.”

1. “That’s due today?!!!”
 

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10. When the umpire yells “Play ball!” your entire team runs to second base

9. They feel weak and listless without their Twinkies

8. One player gets injured standing for the National Anthem

7. A runner gets thrown out for stealing the dugout

6. When a sports writer compares your cleanup batter to Ruth, he means Ruth Buzzi

5. You keep hearing arguments about how many strikes to an out

4. When you tell a player to take left field, he asks, “My left or your left?”

3. Every time the pitcher throws the ball, the catcher dives out of the way

2. When your leadoff hitter gets to first, he has to ask for directions to second

1. It’s a hockey team
 

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10. “As ye sew, so shall ye rip.”

9. “The meek shall inherit the earth. They won’t have the nerve to refuse it.”

8. “Many are cold, but few are frozen.”

7. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone….Ow!”

6. “Know thyself, but not in the ‘Biblical’ sense.”

5. “Thou shalt not raise thy hand to thy child. It leaves thy groin unprotected.”

4. “Money is the root of all evil – so why do churches beg for it?”

3. “Remember the Golden Rule: He who has the gold, makes the rules.”

2. “The lion and the lamb shall lie down together, but the lamb won’t get much sleep.”

1. “In the beginning, there was nothing, and God said, ‘Let there be light.’ Then there was still nothing, but now you could see it.”
 

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10. Not being allowed to keep a naughty or nice list because of potential copyright infringement

9. Inhaling so much plastic grass, he’s developed artificial hay fever

8. Not getting time and a half for working on Sunday

7. Idiots who keep shouting “Show me the bunny!”

6. The fact that, if he gets run over hopping across the freeway, four people get good-luck charms for their key chains

5. The way all the chicks ignore him

4. How scientists are unable to decide whether eggs are God’s gift to nutrition or little white death bombs

3. The fact that you need an advanced degree in calculus to determine the date Easter falls on

2. Way too much friggin’ pastel

1. Those people who mistakenly think he’s leaving a trail of Raisinets
 

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10. “How can you say I have a weak stomach? Look how far I’m throwin’ it!”

9. “Cover your eyes, kids!”

8. “No, that’s not a leprechaun. But since when is Tom Cruise Irish?!”

7. “Hey, that green beer exactly matches your face!”

6. “What do you mean, ‘Where’s the bathroom?’ The whole city is a bathroom!”

5. “When I get this drunk, my shillelagh goes limp.”

4. “Today the President’s signing everything O’Bama.”

3. “I dreamed I celebrated St. Patrick’s Day in my Erin go Bragh.”

2. “I haven’t seen this many people sick since we got off that Carnival Cruise.”

1. “I hear Jodie Foster is practicing her Gaelic.”
 

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10. You can curl up on the couch and catch up on your “stories”

9. No one will come near you, so you’re much less likely to catch someone else’s cold

8. With a high enough fever, Adam Sandler actually starts seeming funny again

7. You can sneeze on everybody you hate

6. When members of the opposite sex avoid you like the plague, you have an excuse

5. It’s nice to be able to call into work sick and actually sound sick for a change

4. If you’re a misanthrope, problem solved

3. You can give pet names to your parasites

2. You can pound back a pitcherful of NyQuil

1. You like it when people say you’re “hot,” even if they’re only feeling your forehead
 

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10. Where the Ship Hits the Fan!

9. The Greatest Tow on Earth!

8. Drifting Along for Over 40 Years!

7. When You Need to Go, We Give You a Choice: Paper or Plastic

6. The Ship of Stools!

5. Less Port of Call! More Porta-Potty!

4. We Put the ‘Poop’ Back in ‘Poop Deck’!

3. Come for the Buffet! Stay for the Dysentery!

2. The Titanic with Shuffleboard!

1. Ship Happens!
 

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10. The Bourne Yesterday

9. Escape to Brokeback Mountain

8. The Empire Strikes Back to the Future

7. Alien vs. Kramer

6. My Left Footloose

5. Dr. Strangelove Is a Many-Splendored Thing

4. No Country for Grumpy Old Men

3. The Dark Knight of the Living Dead

2. Romeo & Dumber

1. Slumdog Squarepants
 

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10. It’s so cold, you have trouble jump-starting your polar bear

9. It’s so cold, TSA agents are required to put on mittens before fondling you

8. It’s so cold, your teeth won’t stop chattering – and they’re still in the glass

7. It’s so cold, nobody’s calling the fire department when their house catches on fire

6. It’s so cold, aquariums no longer really need the glass

5. It’s so cold, a temperature was actually recorded that was colder than the shoulder General Petraeus’s wife is giving him

4. It’s so cold, you hang around menopausal women just for the hot flashes

3. It’s so cold, Victoria’s Secret is now showing its latest line of parkas

2. It’s so cold, you had to scrape the window on your microwave

1. It’s so cold, even your farts have a wind chill factor – it’s fifteen degrees out, but it smells like nine
 

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10. If anyone deserves a special day,

9. It’s you, my Valentine, my dear Maureen.

8. You are so fair, in every single way.

7. With fiery eyes that flash aquamarine.

6. With temperament of self-possessed composure.

5. And touch that makes my very spirit fly.

4. With lips that taste of heavenly ambrosia.

3. Your heart so full of Love, it fills the sky.

2. You make our souls unite, and send us flying!

1. My Love for you is truly death-defying!
 

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10. “How are LeAnn Rimes and Busta Rhymes related, exactly?”

9. “Yes, I’m Vanilla Ice. Now can I show you to your seat?”

8. “In what month is thing scheduled to end?”

7. “What’s the difference between ‘Album of the Year’ and ‘Record of the Year’?”

6. “Exactly when did Taylor Swift join Cirque du Soleil?”

5. “I hear Snoop Dogg got endorsement deals in both Colorado and Washington State.”

4. “I haven’t seen this many commercials since the Clios.”

3. “This year they’re giving a Grammy for Artist Whose CD Was Easiest To Open.”

2. “I’m glad Adele mentioned she was pregnant. For a second there I thought she was up for Best Group Performance.”

1. “Excuse me, but I want to introduce Lady Gaga to the Goo Goo Dolls…Gaga, Goo Goo!…Goo Goo, Gaga!…Oh, and look who just came in: Kajagoogoo!”
 

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10. “For some reason, we never received our pregame ‘care package’ from Lance Armstrong.”

9. “We’re confused. Since when is it not best out of seven?”

8. “Too much pre-game gumbo.”

7. “After halftime, instead of the game, all we could talk about was whether or not Beyoncé was lip-synching.”

6. “We used to get all our carbs from Twinkies.”

5. “Nobody warned us that the Ravens would keep pushing and shoving us like that.”

4. “It’s hard to concentrate when you’re worried about the debt ceiling.”

3. “In the second half, we were all still grossed out by that hot chick making out with that pudgy nerd.”

2. “Our quarterback just got dumped by his imaginary girlfriend.”

1. “We kept getting our plays from the wrong Harbaugh brother.” 

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