I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 3X-45/17: Alright. Seriously: enough with the bacon. Turkeys-wrapped in bacon; pork chops wrapped in bacon; bacon ice cream; bacon pies; bacon-wrapped bacon over bacon salad with bacon vinaigrette. Bacon T-shirts; Facebook posts celebrating the glories of  bacon. Chocolate-covered bacon; sexy women dressed in bacon thongs. Bacon coffee? Woven bacon goblets? Bacon cereal? It’s only a matter of time before bacon-porn starts up. Sweet Jesu, people! It’s yummy. The Emperor gets it. But it’s no tastier than it was ten years ago. The Emperor wants loyal subjects, not trend-gobblers. (I’m seriously considering banning all Kevin Bacon films, just for good measure.) I blame Emeril Legasse for introducing the moronic culture of cheering enthusiastically for seasonings: GAAAAHLIC!! WOO-HOO!! Cripes, how desperate can we be for fun? BACON! YIPPEE!! Insufferable.

The Punishment: Violators (anyone who devours bacon in any way but in strips, on a plate, next to a few sunny-side eggs) will be put in a 5-by-5 cell, deep in the Imperial Dungeons, with three recently-bacon-whipped wild boars who will exact revenge for their fallen brethren in a most invasive way.

Now, go forth and obey.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: recipes & food, The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
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10. Feces’ Pieces

9. Bit-O-Honey Boo Boo

8. Boston Baked Garbanzo Beans

7. Mice Krispie Treats

6. Smelly Belly

5. Almond Soy

4. Dixie Chicks Pixy Stix

3. I Can’t Believe They’re Not Raisinets

2. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg

1. Dingleberry Crunch
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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10. “Hope you like tofu burgers!”

9. “That’s not mayonnaise; you’re standing under a tree.”

8. “Is my hot dog supposed to have an engagement ring on it?”

7. “Which is the burger and which is the charcoal?”

6. “Call 911! Call 911!”

5. “Everything on the grill still has a tail on it!”

4. “Wish somebody had told me this BBQ was BYO!”

3. “Who chugged all the lighter fluid?”

2. “I think Grandma lost her dentures in the potato salad again.”

1. “Is coleslaw supposed to move?”
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, recipes & food by Bob Sullivan
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I have been declared Emperor of the World. Let us not waste time explaining why or how; let’s all simply accept the fact that we are better off, as a result; hence, my next decree:

Emperor’s Decree No. 90006: The Emperor is a regular Joe. Of a fine morning, he likes to munch a nice bowl of cereal. Sadly, though, he has often, of late, had his day start on a note of rage. This is because he has, more than occasionally, encountered an inner cereal bag that either a) a silverback gorilla on performance-enhancing drugs could not open or b) that opens easily… by ripping down the side or fraying into seven thousand jagged strips — cereal flying all about the Royal Kitchen — and dooming the contents to stale squishiness in the space of a few days. The Emperor knows that this is a recent phenomenon: as a child, he opened his own cereal boxes on a regular basis, without one single calamity. Something is awry with quality-control in the cereal packaging field. This will cease: effective, now. And if the Emperor’s Froot Loops ever again sail in multi-colored geysers past the sunrise windows of the Imperial palace, a certain toucan might have to be made an example of.

The Punishment: Responsible parties will be placed in a cage with a trained silverback gorilla (named “Otto”) who will attempt to “open” them by pulling outward, in opposite directions, while gripping their ears.

The Emperor will grace the world with a new decree each Tuesday morning.

Tags: recipes & food, The Emperor decrees by Chris Matarazzo
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W. H. Auden says somewhere — I believe in one of the essays gathered in The Dyer’s Hand, which I do not happen to have at hand — that he preferred systems of irregular measurement. In other words, inches, yards, and ells to, say, the metric system.

I share that preference, principally because such irregular systems do not pretend to a precision that is in fact unattainable.
Consider the circle.

[Read more →]

Tags: recipes & food, religion & philosophy, that's what he said, by Frank Wilson by Frank Wilson
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You know what frightens me a little about us? — people, I mean. We are really eager to accept things the way they are, even if they are way worse than the way they were pretty derned recently. 

Oh, sure, we’ll moan about “how it used to be,” but, for the sake of ease, something in our heads makes us want to accept stuff, “as is.” Things go more smoothly that way, I guess. 

Or maybe we do this because we feel like we simply can’t stand up effectively against things like plummeting standards. One of the most popular American phrases right now (annoying as I might find it [imagine the whole of the American populace not adjusting its phraseology just to please me]) is: “It is what it is.” Usually, this is a resignation: It ain’t changing.  [Read more →]

Tags: language & grammar, recipes & food by Chris Matarazzo
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10. While slicing the pumpkin pie, you cut your finger and gravy came out

9. Your belly button, formerly an innie, is now an outie

8. People kept saying, “Happy Thanksgiving, Gov. Christie!”

7. NASA is considering one more mission to photograph the other side of you

6. A policeman came up to you and ordered you to disperse

5. You just woke up from your tryptophan coma

4. You’ve gotten inquiries from the Guinness World Records people

3. Old Country Buffet just issued a lifetime ban

2. Your relatives took a picture of you in your Pilgrim outfit, and it’s still printing

1. You just caught the flesh eating bacteria, and were given 67 years to live
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, health & medical, recipes & food by Bob Sullivan
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The McRib is a miracle sandwich. It’s something delicious that is made from a bunch of seemingly non-delicious ingredients. This apparently bothers some people.

Some people are just never satisfied.

Tags: health & medical, recipes & food by Ricky Sprague
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10. Good N’ Grunty

9. Stutterfinger

8. Gecko Wafers

7. Boston Baked Limabeans

6. N&Ns

5. Soy Milky Way

4. Bengali Rancher

3. Baby Ruth Buzzi

2. Cadbury Creme Eggs and Ham

1. Dixie Chicks Pixy Stix
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

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The summer is (sadly) coming to an end and sweet summer corn will soon be a thing of the past. Here is one of my favorite corn recipes….

CRAB AND CORN CAKES WITH CHIPOTLE REMOULADE

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Tags: easy weeknight dinners, recipes & food by Jessica Alfreds
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10. “I knew it was a bad idea to leave the fireworks in the trunk on a day this hot!”

9. “That’s not mayonnaise; you’re standing under a tree.”

8. “I think Grandma lost her dentures in the coleslaw again.”

7. “I told Phil a thousand times: either lose some weight or don’t stand directly over the septic tank.”

6. “Weird Uncle Frank wants to play his DVD that certainly sounds patriotic; it’s called The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!”

5. “Why does my hot dog have an engagement ring on it?”

4. “Which is the burger and which is the charcoal?”

3. “I hope nobody minds, but today’s barbecue is completely vegan.”

2. “To give it that little something extra, I put lighter fluid in the punch.”

1. “It’s deer meat! Couldn’t have been in the road more than a day or two.”

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, ends & odd, recipes & food by Bob Sullivan
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Butter a metal loaf pan. Mix 1 1/3 cups of coarse yellow cornmeal, 1 cup of flour, 1/3 cup of sugar, 2 teaspoons baking powder, and a pinch of salt in a large bowl.

In a separate bowl, combine 1 cup plus 2 tablespoons buttermilk, 9 tablespoons melted butter, and one beaten extra-large egg. Add this to the dry ingredients. Stir with a wooden spoon until well blended. Let it sit for 15 minutes.

Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Pour the batter into the loaf pan. Bake about 40 minutes. Let it rest in the pan for 5 minutes then remove from the pan and let it cool on a rack.

Tags: recipes & food by Jessica Alfreds
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The first time I made donuts from scratch they were horrible. But that only encouraged me to keep trying. Many batches later, I came up with these almost fool-proof jelly donuts…light, airy, and kind of amazing when eaten warm. I encourage you to try them, and if the first batch is horrible, don’t give up!

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Tags: recipes & food by Jessica Alfreds
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Happy Valentine’s Day to all you lovebirds out there, Cupid’s arrow has hit me in the rear again. Last week, I fell in love with a new establishment in my town that serves a very tasty buffalo wing. And yes, while I am still on my diet, once a month I will need to allow myself to gorge on wings. A man can only eat so many twigs, nuts, and berries before he loses his mind! Plus, I am a card carrying member of a Wing Club. (Well, we don’t have cards….yet)   [Read more →]

Tags: Marty digs, recipes & food by Marty O'Connor
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Say you’ve just gotten your tickets at the TKTS booth in midtown and you have a couple of hours before curtain.  Your first impulse might be to go to a deli, but delis in midtown have absurdly large portions and prices to match.  I say go west towards Hell’s Kitchen. A nice street is 46^th where you’ll pass Restaurant Row, a stimulating stretch that is a little like the back end of a carnival midway. Pretty hostesses and handsome hosts are on the curb to entice you into their establishments with pre-theater specials. This is prime tourist country, however, and while you can get a good meal there (and sing show tunes at “Don’t Tell Mama” when your show is over) the prices go down as soon as you turn the corner onto Ninth Avenue. So that’s what I do.

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Tags: Broadway Fred, recipes & food by Fred Siegel
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I made the tragic error yesterday that I have made many times before this — I foolishly tried to go to Chick-fil-A on a Sunday. As you may or may not know (and if you don’t know, please remove yourself from under that rock and brush the dirt and ignorance off), Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays. [Read more →]

Tags: Marty digs, recipes & food by Marty O'Connor
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Ladies and gentlemen, as we dig into a new Marty Digs posting, I am asking you to excuse me.  My son Jack and I had the weekend together as mommy away doing another running race.  Jack decided he didn’t want to sleep much this weekend, which culminated in coming home from the Eagles game last night at 1am and finding him wide awake at home.  If there was a way to slur speech via typing, I am probably going to do it today. [Read more →]

Tags: Marty digs, recipes & food by Marty O'Connor
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10. You’re mistaken for a runaway Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon

9. You had to let out your shower curtain

8. At the beach, compassionate surfers keep trying to push you back in the ocean

7. This morning, the display on your bathroom scale read “Holy crap!”

6. You’re constantly asked what circus you work for

5. Your bellybutton suddenly popped out like one of those turkey thermometers

4. You’re sweating yams

3. NASA is planning to launch a rocket in the hopes of photographing the other side of you

2. So far, twelve people have referred to you as “Mr. Limbaugh”

1. Whenever anyone says, “Please pass the Butterball,” somebody grabs you
 

Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.

Tags: Bob Sullivan's top ten everything, health & medical, recipes & food by Bob Sullivan
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 As terms like grass-fed, organic, locally grown, and sustainable become household words, eco-conscious cooks and manufacturers focus on the next frontier. After you get your pasture-raised chicken home, what are you cooking it in? After dinner, how are you packaging your leftovers?

Nonstick cookware, long considered one of the great culinary advancements of the 20^th century, has some major drawbacks. Last month, a study was published in the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine linking chemicals in nonstick pans to high cholesterol in children. This is in addition to multiple studies which have shown that at high temperatures, Teflon, the chemical used in the original nonstick pans, can be lethal to animals and cause flu-like symptoms in humans. How hot the pan needs to be to cause illness is still up for debate.

Aluminum pots and pans have been all but phased out of most home kitchens, since studies show they may be linked with Alzheimer’s disease. Yet every single chef and restaurant owner I spoke to in researching this article still used them in their restaurant.

[Read more →]

Tags: health & medical, recipes & food by Jessica Alfreds
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It was exactly 1:24 AM on October 19th when I took my first bite of a McRib since who-knows-when.

I missed my old friend, the glorious boneless pork product with one of the most loyal, determined fan bases in the fast food world.  Some stories of McRib sightings had gotten back to me in the past, and while I never went to great lengths, I did do a little exploring. Twitter colleague @Legendary23 told me he’d seen lines for a McRib spilling out of a McDonald’s about 30 miles away, so when I had a jones for a late night snack, I hit up a closer location to see if I could score the elusive sandwich.

Jackpot.

Every bite was like a trip down memory lane. The sub roll, the sauce, the light pickles and onions… terrific. A Dr. Pepper went with it perfectly. If you haven’t been able to get in on the craze yet, you should on November 2nd when the McRib officially returns nationwide, albeit temporarily.

Now if only they could bring back the Arch Deluxe and the Coke float…

Tags: recipes & food by Glenn Giangrande
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