Summer libation
This Grey Goose Mango Lemonade is my favorite summer cocktail. It is so refreshing and goes down nice and smooth. But be careful, it will sneak up on you! [Read more →]
Entries Tagged as 'drugs & alcohol'
I bet you have never seen anyone sip an original flavored V-8
I know y’all have seen the new V-8 commercial on the Tube these days. There’s a 20 something out walking past a store front window (I think it’s a gym), and he pauses, pulls out a V-8, cracks the sucker open and gulps that bad boy down like he’s in some frat party’s “Who can shotgun a beer the fastest?” contest.
It’s the most truth-in-advertising we’ve seen in a long while.
The end of privately-held medicine
Democratic senator Frank Lautenberg of New Jersey is calling for the FDA to ban dissolvable tobacco products. These products, which include pellets, sticks, and strips, are marketed as an alternative to smoking.
And lung cancer. And certain death.
But Senator Lautenberg, that great defender of small children and furry animals (or is it furry children and small animals?), finds something nefarious about this. He argues that if young children were to see these concoctions as candy, and swallow a whole bottle of them, they could get sick.
However, when told that any pill or medication could be misconstrued as candy, the senator decided to take the ban to its logical conclusion, by calling for the end of all privately-owned medicine. [Read more →]
Top ten signs you’re on a bad spring break
10. Your “exclusive beachside accommodations” have a half moon on the door
9. The only alcohol in your hotel is in the mouthwash
8. The “meal plan” is all you can catch with your bare hands
7. The only ‘girls’ you’ve seen all week have unusually large hands and Adam’s apples
6. You’ve spent most of it sitting on the runway waiting for your pilots to sober up
5. The closest thing you’ve gotten to a tan came from some poison ivy you sat in
4. When the travel agent told you you’d get some action, he never once mentioned the word ‘Afghanistan’
3. The guy running the Bungee jump doesn’t know how to subtract
2. The “ocean view” requires you to tune in to Channel 4
1. What you thought was a mint left on your pillow just crawled away
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Ominous showdown transcends the War on Drugs
Houston Chronicle – The choice facing Drug Enforcement Administration agent Joe Dubois and FBI agent Daniel Fuentes was simple: Hold their ground to be riddled with machine-gun fire, or be captured by drug-cartel henchmen who would diabolically interrogate them using pliers, blowtorches or worse.
DEA agent Joe Dubois, in an exclusive interview with the Houston Chronicle, finally shares his story of a hostile showdown with Mexican drug kingpin Osiel Cardenas in 1999. While gathering intelligence just across the border, Dubois and FBI agent Daniel Fuentes refused to surrender after their car was surrounded by three vehicles and a dozen or so gunman with assault rifles. Cardenas himself pounded on the glass of the car and demanded surrender. He even smiled at the FBI badges, and raised an AK-47 to the window. But Dubois stood firm, teaching us a few lessons that transcend the War on Drugs. [Read more →]
Yes, Virginia, there is a St. Patrick
Dear When Falls the Coliseum,
I am 8 years old and a cute, innocent little girl. My friends told me that there is no such thing as St. Patrick, and that St. Patrick’s Day was just an excuse to let grownups get drunk. Are my friends right?
Sincerely,
Dear Virginia,
As I sit here at my computer savoring my fourth Irish coffee of the morning (top o’ the morning to you!), I can’t help but to feel melancholic about your question. [Read more →]
Top ten signs your new year is off to a bad start
10. Your co-workers have posted the video of your office Christmas party meltdown on YouTube
9. You’re the Balloon Boy’s dad
8. Your company is transferring you to its office in Kabul
7. For the Rose Bowl, you put your life’s savings on Oregon
6. Airport security thought your colostomy bag was an explosive device
5. All you got for Christmas was new underwear…Well, new to you!
4. For Christmas, your wife gave you a vasectomy gift card
3. You began the year in the emergency room having a champagne cork removed from your ass
2. Your first name is ‘Tiger’
1. You just woke up from your New Year’s Eve party
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
New Year’s celebrations — Love your bouncer edition
I worked as a bouncer/bartender for many years while I was in college. As the New Year’s parties get kicked off on Thursday evening, here are a couple of things to think about when you run into the guy at the bar wearing the funky colored shirt with “crew” or “security” written on the back.
Top ten signs you’re at a bad New Year’s Eve party
10. The only noisemaker involves the host and a can of beans
9. All Macarena, all the time!
8. When you come through the front door, you spot a large table and a 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle
7. The only toast all evening involves actual bread
6. It breaks up at 11:45
5. Everyone is speaking Klingon
4. The “champagne” is really just ginger ale and Mentos
3. It’s just you and three Zhu Zhu Hamsters
2. It’s February 12th
1. You’re still waiting for your ball to drop
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
The midlife crisis in this house? Nacho or Cool Ranch
Dear Ruby,
I am in my 50s and the kids have moved out. The wife and I were thinking it would be fun to smoke a joint. I’m all for it, but she says that pot nowadays is like ten times stronger than it was when we were kids and we’ll freak out or overdose or something. But I think she still wants to do it.
Do you think this is a good idea or should we just stick to beer and Captain Morgan?
2nd Adolescence
An interview with author Dan Fante
Novelist Dan Fante has paid his dues; he has overcome alcoholism, scores of crummy jobs, and the desperate fate accorded so many sons of famous fathers. But after nearly 20 years of writing fiction, 2009 is shaping up to be a great year for Dan. His new novel 86’d will be published by Harper Perennial on September 22, 2009, and his three previous Bruno Dante novels will be rereleased on December 1 of the same year. [Read more →]
The other March Madness
Ahhh, ‘tis almost St. Patty’s Day, and ‘tis almost time for us Irish to further perpetuate the Irish stereotype of drinkin’, singin’, laughin’, and then fightin’. As the ides of March come creeping closer, we Irish get all the more excited about putting our livers to the test on the 17th. [Read more →]
Do drunken strangers deserve rides home?
I consider myself a very nice guy. I’ve helped old ladies cross the street. I’ve tried to get connections to hook friends up with jobs. I’ve even given stranded motorists a little cash without asking for anything in return.
But I try to avoid giving drunken strangers rides home. A couple of weekends ago, I got cornered into it.
Around 3 AM, I was hanging out at a fine establishment when an inebriated gentleman told me his friends had ditched him and he needed a ride back to his home in Stamford, about 10 minutes away. I happen to live in Stamford, but I felt uncomfortable putting some random dude in my car. He could have a knife, a gun, anything! So I told him I was going in the other direction, and he ignored my sensible suggestion of calling a taxi.
About a half hour later, I took off from the bar solo, having driven myself. I was on the road leading away from the bar when I received a phone call from my friend. We’ll call him “Q.” Here’s how the brief discussion went down… [Read more →]
Is A-Rod’s steroid use different than a guy who cheats on his wife?
He cheated. Alex Rodriguez cheated. He may claim ignorance, but honestly, does that really matter? If a guy gets a blow job at a strip club and later tells his wife that he didn’t really think he was cheating — there is no doubt that he was, in fact, still cheating. The question is, if you were that guy, if you did something wrong (really wrong to some people, and so-so wrong to others), how would you handle the situation? Maybe you aren’t that dumb. Maybe you know better and would never be in this predicament. Maybe you never did anything illegal or stupid your entire life (even when you were 20). There are probably very few of you out there. In any case, what happens next?
Does your wife forgive your indiscretion? Do you start marriage counseling to “figure out” (as if you didn’t already know) why you strayed? Do you tell yourself it’s not like you were falling in love with someone else, you were just getting off every once in a while? What if you went back and got that blow-job twice a month for six months but then your wife found your credit card receipts? You have to fess up now, but how do you gain her trust again? Some women would write you off but others would work through it with you. The fans of New York are a tough bunch. The baseball writers are even tougher. They both expect more.
So what happens now? Do we string Alex up or let him play out the next nine years for the Yankees (or whatever his remaining overpriced contract is for) and see what he can do? Bill Clinton did not have “sexual relations” with Monica Lewinsky either. Do we forgive A-Rod and see if he can play worth his pay?
I am certainly not an expert on baseball but I know there were high expectations for Alex. He was going to “save” the game from all of this steroid use. He was going to break Barry Bonds’s tainted home run record and bring respectability back to the game. Oh well… being a fan is difficult sometimes. Alex isn’t the savior. Can we move on?
Cancel your trip to Amsterdam
You don’t actually need to cancel your trip to Amsterdam (if you’re one of the few that can still afford to travel); just don’t go thinking there’ll be cannabis-filled brownies at every turn. The city of Amsterdam is closing down 43 “coffee” shops that currently operate near schools with kids older than twelve — by order of the Dutch government. Have no fear though — 185 shops will remain open. Plus, now you’ll have more time for the Van Gogh Museum and the fabulous photography exhibits at Foam_Fotografiemuseum Amsterdam. This may well make the journey a little more interesting for Americans who’ll now be forced to walk a tad farther to find what they are looking for.
Hat Tip to Newser
You won’t feel a thing
I had to get a root canal yesterday. I know what you’re thinking — “Lucky!”
I know, I know. Don’t be jealous. Root canals are a special treat. For this particular dental experience, I decided to go to a dentist who specializes in sedation dentistry. It was either that or just let the tooth rot out of my head. Honestly. I can no longer bring myself to volunteer for the waking torture of dental work. Not going to do it. Please just knock me out. [Read more →]
Garghibition
The pill didn’t make one taller. That wasn’t the issue. It wasn’t a case of medical science tampering with God’s design, or biological engineering in an effort to transform the human race into a different, better species — a taller one. No, all the oblong, indigo “Gargantuanx” did, miracle of miracles, was create the illusion in the mind of the consumer that he was taller. That’s all.
The pill didn’t take immediate effect. For about 10 minutes you felt nothing. Then you were taller. That is, you believed you were. [Read more →]
Et tu, Big Brown? Maybe…
I enjoy watching the Triple Crown races each year, and have been a fan, at least through association, since I was a kid. Weekdays my dad would come home from work, paper folded under his arm, and when I leafed through I would notice that the horse/betting section was always torn out. On weekends I was occasionally dragged to the track, but mostly I saw the insides of local OTB’s. (I suspect my dad still makes occasional visits for nostalgia, if nothing else.)
So I follow the big horses and races when they are in season, and I am familiar with names like Secretariat and Seattle Slew because of my dad. And having watched a handful of near-Triple Crown winners in the last five years, I was particularly excited by the prospect of Big Brown being the first in my adult lifetime.
We now know that that didn’t happen (though we’re not sure exactly why), [Read more →]
