You probably should wait till the kids go to bed or make sure your boss is out at lunch before you play this. But, whatever you do, make sure to play it — and play it with an open mind. Talent comes in mysterious forms and I expect you will ask the same question I asked myself, “How on earth does someone figure out they can do this?” And then answer your own question with “I’d rather not know!”
Have you ever been to a McDonald’s and been so mad about something that you felt the need to start destroying property? If you are like most people, the answer is no. Perhaps I should not say “most people,” though. Based on recent events, maybe you and I are in the minority. [Read more →]
10. Car Crash on 34th Street
9. So You Think You Can Gift Wrap
8. Bob Dylan’s Hanukkah/Christmas Special
7. Bernie Madoff’s New Year’s Rockin’ Prison Eve
6. Rudolph the Downsized Reindeer
5. I Saw Adam Lambert Kissing Santa Claus
4. When Reindeer Attack
3. Drape Some Tinsel on This, Charlie Brown!
2. The Grinch Who Robbed Parking Meters
1. Don Knotts’s It’s A Wonderful Fife
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
(N.B.: Tongue is firmly planted in cheek throughout. Expect offense in response to one of the more offensive decades in recent memory.)
It’s that time of the decade again. The toll of tonight’s midnight church bells or the image of that big-ass crystal ball slowly descending into the madness of Times Square will signal that we’ve let another decade slip away. The…um…“naughts” have been a decade like no other, so I’d like to take an opportunity to honor this decade in what seems the only way possible: with an egocentric list.
It’s the end of 2009 and the end of the single digit years in the 2000s. When this time of year rolls around we get bombarded with “the year in review” or the “decade in review” or the “top ten bakeries of the year,” etc. Now, I’m not opposed to lists. In fact, I spend a lot of time discussing and refining my own mental lists of the best things. Movies, bands, comics… I’m not sure why I do it. I suppose I want to definitively know, through aggressive research and discussion, what the best anything is. That way when some dude comes up and says P.S. I Love You is the greatest movie of all time, I can walk him through my list and he can see that maybe it’s just a little lower than he thought.
But what about the last decade? Not something of all time but just the last decade? Sort of narrow the scope a bit. Separate the wheat from the chaff. Let the cream rise to the top, ya know? As I’m deployed to Africa, presumably defending the United States, I figured why not rank the 50 states over the last decade. I’m willing to die for these states and they should know what order they are in. [Read more →]
Of course what children really want for Christmas is a list of commands, prohibitions, and threats. To this end I have compiled the following words of advice for young people. This is the wisdom I have painfully accrued over 33 years of stupidity, and I do not hesitate to pass it on to the next generation. [Read more →]
It’s nearly the end of the year, and you know what that means: lists. And ferret-wrestling matches, though I don’t want to get into that now. No, the end of the year is a time when we look back, and compile lists of things. And happenings. And celebrity deaths. Usually ordered backwards, though in the case of the famous the lists are usually ordered by cultural importance or the number of original teeth the celebrity had at their death.
[Read more →]
10. The only noisemaker involves the host and a can of beans
9. All Macarena, all the time!
8. When you come through the front door, you spot a large table and a 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle
7. The only toast all evening involves actual bread
6. It breaks up at 11:45
5. Everyone is speaking Klingon
4. The “champagne” is really just ginger ale and Mentos
3. It’s just you and three Zhu Zhu Hamsters
2. It’s February 12th
1. You’re still waiting for your ball to drop
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
In 1999 I wrote a piece for the first installment of When Falls the Coliseum titled the All-Coliseum Team. It was a list of the 2oth Century’s most intriguing sports figures – an alternative to the standard Best of tallies published and broadcast by sports magazines and shows at the time. It seems just like yesterday I wrote about Jim Thorpe (versatility), Buster Douglas (improbability), and Cal Ripken (durability) as being All-Coliseum warriors who represented the unconventional excellence our magazine seems to promote. Now ten years have come and gone just like that, and we have a new All-Coliseum compilation. But this time it is more than just sports. [Read more →]
10. Instead of being on the ‘Naughty’ or ‘Nice’ list, you’re on his list of ‘Jerk Faces’
9. He smears milk and cookies all over your drapes
8. Your biggest gift is Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue
7. He had all the reindeer leave you little gifts on the roof
6. Instead of just coals in your stocking, he puts in hot coals
5. He leaves you a note that says, “You better watch out! You better not cry! And you better not let me catch you alone, you bastard!”
4. You’re being stalked by killer elves
3. Instead of toys, he leaves you a bagful of ashes and soot
2. As he drives out of sight, instead of exclaiming, “Happy Christmas to all and to all a good night!” he yells “Bite me!”
1. Rather than visiting a gas station restroom, he just sits on your chimney
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Big Bag O’ Discarded Hypodermic Needles
9. Balloon Boy Self-Launch Home Kit
8. Easy-Bake Microwave Oven
7. Fisher-Price Choking Hazard
6. Baby’s First Power Stapler
5. Mr. Wizard’s Home Meth Lab
4. Fontanelle Lawn Darts
3. Miss Piggy Swine Flu Inoculation Kit
2. Owie! – The Fall-Off-The-Ladder Game
1. Zhu Zhu Flammable Hamsters
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. He started horsing around, and then things just got out of hand.
9. His ex-girlfriend once told him he was hung like one.
8. Seriously, have you seen that horse?!
7. During the playoffs, he misheard when someone said he should be rooting for the Phillies!
6. He read one of the signs of the swine flu was feeling a little hoarse.
5. He knew he’d never have to pay palimony to a palomino.
4. The horse looks exactly like his old girlfriend.
3. He claims he was looking for a stable relationship.
2. His daughter said, for her next birthday, she was hoping for a pony.
1. He was put up to it – by a small step stool.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “Run for your lives! The electric carving knife has a mind of its own!”
9. “I didn’t have to stuff the turkey; it wasn’t hollow!”
8. “John, when you said you were bringing your new soulmate, Terry, we just assumed she was female.”
7. “It takes me a whole friggin’ year to forget how much I hate each and every one of you!”
6. “I realize it’s called that by some people, but can’t you just call it ‘white meat’?”
5. “Sorry about the pies. One’s pumpkin and one’s mincemeat, but don’t ask me which is which.”
4. “Yeah, my flat screen TV’s busted….Hey! Where ya goin’? We haven’t had dinner yet!”
3. “9-1-1? How do you get someone out of a tryptophan-induced coma?”
2. “Me? I’m thankful Thanksgiving just comes once a year!”
1. “You ate so much turkey, your belly button just popped like one o’ them Butterball thermometers!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. “This turkey tastes a little off. What breed did you say it was, ‘tofu’?”
9. “What time do the Indians arrive?”
8. “Well, I think thine clothes look equally as ridiculous!”
7. “And you can get advice on cooking your bird from that handheld talking machine?!”
6. “Big deal! So your ancestors came over on the Mayflower!”
5. “When we knew John McCain, of course, we called him ‘Little Johnny’.”
4. “Jebediah, look! Their leader appears to be a Native American!”
3. “There is no need to struggle! Why do you not just share the wishbone?!”
2. “Celebrating with giant balloons of cartoon animals! Why didn’t we think of that?!
1. “Hey! Let us out of this box! It’s dark in here!”
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. Good N’ Porky
9. Bit-O-Runny
8. Gutterfinger
7. Nazi Rolls
6. Smelly Belly
5. Gecko Wafers
4. Almond Soy
3. Crummi Bears
2. Feces’ Peanut Butter Cups
1. I Can’t Believe They’re Not Raisinets
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. You have to wheel an IV drip bag on a stand along with you.
9. Instead of candy, you ask for prunes.
8. Your “trick” involves taking out your dentures and then biting your own ear.
7. You’ve gone as Larry King, and you don’t need any makeup.
6. You’re the only SpongeBob on the block with a walker.
5. You can suck the chocolate off the Goobers, but you can’t then chew the peanuts.
4. Your grandkids tell you the best houses to hit.
3. Instead of candy corn, you keep hoping for corn pads.
2. When people open the door, instead of saying “Trick or treat,” you look confused, then start singing Christmas carols.
1. You keep seeing someone dressed up as the Grim Reaper – but you’re the only one who can see him.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
10. The jack-o-lantern is an orange balloon with a Magic Marker Happy Face.
9. The Wolfman is just a shirtless hairy guy.
8. The scariest movie they could find to show is Mariah Carey’s Glitter.
7. It’s February.
6. Sexiest Costume goes to an Ed Asner lookalike.
5. Bobbing for Apples segues into Hunting for Uncle Sid’s Contact Lens.
4. Most of the guests are dressed as their favorite Certified Public Accountants.
3. All the decorations say “HAPPY,” then “BIRTHDAY” is crossed out and “HALLOWEEN” is written above it.
2. Best Costume goes to a guy in a sheet.
1. Instead of candy: leftover meatloaf.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
I don’t know why the Heene family had a balloon large enough to float people high up in the air tied to their house. I guess there are people who actually own hot air balloons. Who knew? I always just assumed you went to big fields and rented a ride when proposing to a girlfriend or something. But when a kid possibly floats away, maybe it’s time to reevaluate a balloon’s usefulness around the house! [Read more →]
I’ve never had a desire to obtain a samurai sword, but there clearly are people out there who feel differently.
While they haven’t just broken big, samurais have been popping up in the news lately. There was the story last month about a college student who killed an intruder with a blade. Then on Tuesday, some developments came to light in the case of a Brooklyn man accused of slashing his neighbor, a reggae performer, with the performer’s own sword. Being rooted in Japanese history, it makes sense for the samurai to have international appeal, although I don’t think its creators ever intended for one of them to be used in the way that one English man did late last year when he chose to end a dispute by stabbing a father of three to death. [Read more →]
It’s a late summer evening on Martha’s Vineyard and I’m playing cards with my friend Heidi at the kitchen table as breezes waft through our rented farmhouse. It’s one of my favorite things about summer: how the wind fills the house like a welcome tide. Lie down near an open window and it drifts across your body in waves like gentle surf. [Read more →]
