Now that the moms of the world are in back-to-school mode, I’ve been thinking about my son’s education. As he turns one, I’ve discovered a sad truth. We aren’t getting into Harvard. And by “we” I mean his dad and I, because now that we are parents, we’ve forgotten about our own miserable lives and only live vicariously through him. Isn’t that what all parents do? [Read more →]
I received a ton of feedback on last week’s blog about music, your car and your kids. As a result, I thought I’d approach the topic from a different perspective. I am all about exposing my daughter to all kinds of music. I think music is instrumental in a child’s development. [Read more →]
Music has always been a very big part of my life. I grew up in a house where music was on in every room. Standards like The Beatles, The Bee Gees, The Carpenters, Simon and Garfunkel, and yeah there was some Neil Diamond in the mix too were a part of our daily routine. I’m not gonna lie, I knew all the words to America. Go ahead and laugh. [Read more →]
OK. I’m back. Crude, obnoxious, hating you, your kids and the way you parent. Happy? Fantastic. Clearly you weren’t digging my serious blog last week as I only received two comments. TWO comments. That’s a record low for me. Pathetic. Just goes to show you guys don’t want to hear about the ugly scary truths of life, but rather the senseless judgemental rants I have to offer. I am here to happily oblige. [Read more →]
This week I’ve put my scheduled column aside and have decided to write about the crash on the Taconic State Parkway. I’ll give a very brief synopsis as I’m sure most of you know by now. A woman went the wrong way on the Taconic State Parkway in New York while driving a mini-van full of young kids (two kids of her own and three nieces) and crashed into another car carrying three people. Everyone died except the woman’s son, who was hospitalized. Turns out she had a belly full of alcohol and was stoned. They’re calling it Westchester’s worst accident in 75 years. [Read more →]
This morning I woke up to find my daughter sitting at the kitchen table in her bikini, dipping mini marshmallows in maple syrup. No, she wasn’t alone. She didn’t get up and do something cute like fix herself breakfast. Grandma did! [Read more →]
The other day my husband took our 3-year-old son to a water park. Most people, when they go to water parks, leave their electronic devices in some kind of locker. My husband decided to take his with him as they walked through the park. At one of the “rides” where the little kids run around in the water my husband tried to get in front of our son to take a picture with his cell phone and he fell. He was fine; his phone submerged. [Read more →]
In keeping with tradition, here’s a nugget of information about me: I don’t wanna have a play date. I am formally announcing my withdrawal from this hideous tradition. Now it’s one thing to get together with my friends and let our kids kill each other while we suck down Bellini’s and talk about college and all the dumb shit we did. [Read more →]
I grew up in a house where TV was a non-issue. If we wanted to watch TV, we watched. If we wanted to go outside and try to light ants on fire with a magnifying glass, then we did that instead. [Read more →]
Even though I am a parent, I try to avoid parenting advice. When I was pregnant, reading What to Expect When You’re Expecting made me too nervous, so I stopped before I got to the third month. After that, I found parenting information in books and magazines to be overwhelming, so I made it a policy not to read them, and stuck to studying more informative publications like Us Weekly. Given my dislike for all parenting rules, I’ve uncharacteristically taken to reading the New York Times blog called “Motherlode“. Surprisingly, it sparks some good conversation among readers about motherhood. [Read more →]
Here’s the gist: I have a potty mouth. No denying it. I drop F-bombs and A-bombs like they’re going out of style. Most of the time I manage to earmuff my daughter or at the very least, wait for her to leave the room. I’m an adult, I can say what I want. But I don’t want my daughter running around cursing or even worse, teaching her friends to curse. [Read more →]
I’m going to try to keep today’s post light, but it is with a somewhat heavy heart that I write today. My grandmother (Baba, as she is known to us) fell down the stairs the other night and is in the hospital with broken ribs, bruises from head to toe and the looming fear of pneumonia. She suffers from dementia and so she often goes in and out of lucidity. The fact that she mainly speaks Yiddish makes for an interesting dynamic between her, the doctors and the nurses. [Read more →]
As promised in an earlier post I’m going to start each blog with a random personal fact about myself. Here goes: I hate taking my daughter to parks; public parks, private parks, hell even your backyard swing-set makes me mental. You know why? [Read more →]
I’m packing my bags for a vacation. This trip is different from others I’ve taken in recent years because this time, I’m vacationing with my entire family. That’s right, the whole clan: the parents, the siblings, and their families. Ten personalities trying to peacefully coexist under one roof, for one week. My father has decided that the theme of the week is “tolerance.” I’ve decided that the theme of the week is “homicide.” [Read more →]
But why, mommy? How many times do you get that question — about any number of topics? Maybe it’s three times a day or maybe it’s three times an hour. To make your life a little easier I’ve given you ten answers to the simple question: Mommy, why is the sky blue?
1) It’s not. You’re drunk. Oh no, wait, I’m drunk.
2) Its blue because of molecules and stuff, I think. I don’t know. I cut science class a lot. Go watch TV.
3) Because God’s favorite color is blue. When he’s mad his favorite color is grey. He’s been mad lately at the Northeast.
4) Google it.
I love my parents, but I draw the line at having them as internet buddies.
A few months back, my mother asked me what Facebook was and if she could join. I told her that the social networking website would be of little use to her because she doesn’t even own a computer. Then recently I was talking with my father on the phone and he asked me if I would accept his friend requests on Facebook and Myspace. My answer was a resounding no [Read more →]
As everyone knows and fears, our final days resemble our first, in their helplessness, in their inadvertent comedy, and in their nearness to an unknowable existence. I am reminded of these patiently waiting realities every time I visit my father, now 95 years old, at the nursing home, and slowly convey to his mouth quarter-teaspoons of pureed rye bread, carrots, ham, and vanilla pudding. [Read more →]
When it comes to “Going Parental,” I will spend most of my time ranting about parenting, my kids, your kids, the way you parent and how much I hate it, and the inevitable damage we are doing to our children. Those are the obvious things. However, every once in a while, I would be remiss if I didn’t comment on the little things… those small and almost transparent moments that make it all worth it in the end. [Read more →]
I think that every week I’m going to start with a random fact about me. It’s totally narcissistic and self-indulgent, but I will try to keep it entertaining. So here it is: I’m not one of those people that will ever end up with one of those hideous Family Stickers on their back windshield. It’s just not me. I imagine if they were to design a mom-type-scenario that really represented what I’ve got going on, it would come out looking something like this: [Read more →]
Walking back from the shops just now, I passed what looked like a kid’s birthday party: balloons, noise, wailing, blood, the usual. A mother was chastising her son: “No! You’re going to be in BIG TROUBLE!” It’s clear that children need to be disciplined but I don’t find these off-the-peg chidings very effective. What we need are the right kind of punishments. I am uniquely qualified to offer advice to parents: I know nothing about children, so I see the matter with a proper detachment. My conclusions are wholly scientific. [Read more →]
