Strange visions can come to us late in the night. Yesterday I beheld a TV commercial that was so bizarre it felt like a dream. The scene was as follows: a woman was travelling on the moving walkway in an airport, looking robust, cheerful and confident — rather like the heroine of a Soviet propaganda film. She passed under an image of her own face when suddenly another woman ran up to her and declared:
WOMAN: You’re the colon lady!
Ed. Surprise, surprise. Can you sense the sarcasm? Last night’s Bachelorette finale confirmed a few things for me:
1) Jillian Harris is THE worst kisser on the face of the Earth.
2) We know what Jillian is going to look like in 50 years… her Grandmother.
3) I thought I had seen Ed’s balls the first time he wore the shnorty shnorts. I definitely saw them last night.
4) Ed has a tank top to match his shnorts.
5) The Bachelorette is the most predictable show ever made and a complete waste of my time. [Read more →]
Last night, I left NY and made my way to the event of all events, where anybody who’s anybody will be… San Diego Comic-Con, aka, Nerd Prom. Sweet. The best part of my journey so far? Being able to watch So You Think You Can Dance on my JetBlue flight. Not only did this entertain me for 2 hours on my 6+ hour flight, I got to enjoy it with mini bottles of water (I mean wine) and free baggies of cashews and 100 calorie Lorna Doone shortbread cookies (I mean Doritos Munchie mix and chocolate chip cookies). With no access to pause and FFW, I had to watch in full and it made me remember a few things:
Last night’s Big Brother was shocking, NOT because of the following reasons:
1) Russell is a psycho-path and Lydia’s a big fat baby — Russell basically screamed at Lydia for no reason at all last night. That’s because he’s on steroids. But that’s no excuse for Lydia to break down into tears every time someone looks at her the wrong way. Even though you have 100 tattoos, most of which are of characters from Paul Frank and Hello Kitty, you are not tough at all. Grow a set or go home, you’re annoying everyone in America.
10. Saying, “Heeeeeeere’s St. Peter!”
9. Selling vegetable slicers on the boardwalk
8. Hosting the best Star Search ever! (Janis Joplin, Jimmy Hendrix, John Lennon, Elvis, Michael Jackson)
7. Following God around saying “Yes!” “You are correct, Sir!” and “Hi-ooooo!”
6. Ducking his ex-wives
5. Selling Alpo (since all dogs go to Heaven)
4. Sending people envelopes, with his picture on them, saying, “You may have already won a trip to Heaven!”
3. Cohosting Hell’s Bloopers and Practical Jokes
2. Swimming in a lake of Budweiser
1. Looking for Johnny
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
I never watched the reality show Jon and Kate Plus 8 until the fifth season, when Jon and Kate announced they were separating. When they were a happy family, I found the show to be eternally boring. But when Jon and Kate sat on that couch and told the world they had problems with their marriage, I couldn’t stop watching. What does that say about me as a person, that I secretly enjoy watching the misery of others? At least I am not alone. [Read more →]
My apologies for being a bit behind on this week’s The Bachelorette and Big Brother, but I spent 10 hours in the ER on Monday. I have to say, a day in the ER is not nearly as exciting as a day in the Seattle Grace ER. While my ER could’ve used a little Miranda Bailey ass-kickin’, I have to give a shout out to New York-Presbyterian. Though they diagnosed my stomach pains with absolutely nothing, they did try their hardest and were very pleasant and accommodating. Thanks, Docs! Speaking of Grey’s Anatomy, some fabulous news came in this morning for next season… Martha Plimpton has been cast in a multi-episode storyline! “Oh come on come on where are you? You are in the clouds and we are in a basement!” Goonies never say die, Martha, and we’re glad to have you.
Big Brother (CBS) heads back to high school for season 11 and I love it. Like every other reality TV show, it usually takes a while for the people to grow on me… but not this time. I am on board with this season already. Due to the disappointing seasons of So You Think You Can Dance and The Bachelorette, I’m pretty sure Big Bro is just what I need in my life. [Read more →]
On last night’s Bachelorette, Jillian made the decision to not spend the night with the guys she really has a connection with, which was very unslutty of her. Good for her. However, that line of mierda went to mierda once she invited Ed back to the suite for some horizontal flamenco. One-on-ones in Spain: [Read more →]
A bizarre airplane crash, mysterious whispers, a foreboding set of numbers, a strange group of outsiders who seem to know what’s going on, and a shiny black stone which hints at clues to a resolution. While these themes could apply to Lost, all of them are also featured in Knowing — the recent sci-fi movie with Nicholas Cage that comes out on DVD on Tuesday, July 7th. [Read more →]
Slings and Arrows is a little-known Canadian comedy show about a Shakespeare troupe filled with goodies for fans of the immortal bard. Like most viewers, I first experienced Slings and Arrows after its cancellation. The series ran from 2003 to 2006, three seasons of six episodes each. Each season covered a different tragedy, all but Othello, as well as a smattering of theater jokes and general love interest/banter.
Last night was meet-the-family night on The Bachelorette. Family night always reveals a lot about the guys and last night was no different. Sometimes the families help the guys’ chances and sometimes they hurt. Here’s how it went in my eyes… [Read more →]
The weird thing is that in death Michael Jackson looked more like Farrah Fawcett than he did himself. He had a Farrah Fawcett nose, a Farrah Fawcett chin, and as close as a black man could have, a Farrah Fawcett complexion.
And wouldn’t it be like a Farrah Fawcett wannabe to die the same day she did, stealing her headlines and screen time. I don’t know much about Farrah Fawcett except that she was a hot babe who died with more dignity and courage and honor than any honest man has a right to expect from an honorable death.
Michael Jackson was a fruit. Whatever that word means. He was a different genus. Deciduous or something other than human. Farrah proved herself to be the most decidedly human of babes. A mench. A force of nature. A human beautiful being. A better man than the name that stole her dying moment.
So, last week David Letterman made a joke about New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez raping Sarah Palin’s 14 year-old daughter. I have to say, the joke was pretty funny. It was really directed at A-Rod and his womanizing, and I could not help but laugh at that. However, the joke was pretty damn inappropriate too. Letterman should have refrained from that zinger, given the young girl’s age and her status as private citizen. It would not have been much better if he had been referring to Palin’s 18 year-old daughter either. She is still a young lady outside the public forum. But he did not refrain, and from there we have the drama. [Read more →]
All aboard! The Bachelorette hit the tracks last night and made me want to punch a ticket for a ride. That was certainly the coolest set of dates put together “in Bachelorette history.” The breathtaking views, the first-class service, the private train cars… funny how the NYC subway looks nothing like that, especially when you’re the last one to squeeze on and the only view you have is of some woman from Queens’ hairy armpit (no offense Michael). [Read more →]
So You Think You Can Dance was so annoying last night and when I say SYTYCD, I mean Mary. She’s always annoying but she was downright, mother f-in annoying last night. She didn’t shut her trap for one second. I had to pop another Xanax because she was so damn annoying. And did anyone understand a word Lil’ C said? You’re a krump dancer. Can you please use more words like “buck” rather than soliloquy and passion? Overall, I thought the show was disappointing. I have no connection to the dancers yet. Maybe one or two. They all have great talent, but I don’t think I like them yet. Anyway… [Read more →]
It’s about time The Bachelorette changed its format and moved locations, even if that new location is Canada. Was that really Canada? I’m actually in Canada right now… Toronto to be exact. It’s a nice city, but their KitKat’s taste different. However, I’ve heard Whistler is amazing and I’ve heard right.
On another note… Jilly? Really? Really. [Read more →]
Given the sad role reversal between the Yankees and Red Sox over the past five years, this commercial, funny in its own right, is even funnier — even to me, loathesome Yankee fan. It’s been around for a little while so you may have seen it. Even so I still think you’ll enjoy!
According to my cousin Carrie and my Grandmother, I’m the best dancer (or so I think ;o). Turns out, I can’t dance… at all. I’m so happy SYTYCD is back and here’s why:
Jeanine & Phillip — When I saw these two paired together the first thing I thought was lucky her. Not only has Phillip gotten lots of air time this season (and last), but he is ridiculous. His body moves like no body should move. [Read more →]
Now that Lost is on hiatus until 2010, I need a reason to watch television. A show that will pique my interest and really pull me in. Let’s see…how about The Bachelorette? Will Jillian find true love? Probably, at least until she changes her mind on After the Final Rose. Maybe Jon and Kate plus 8? Are they getting a divorce? What about those kids? Would my hair look good in “the Kate”? I could give I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here! a try. Is Speidi being tortured in the Costa Rican jungle? Let’s hope so. Let’s be real — these shows are completely mind-numbing. They may be cute, but they just aren’t enough. Recently, though, I found two new reality-like shows that I’m not sure people are watching. And they might be worth a look. [Read more →]
