Becoming a mother was a life-changing experience for me. And not in the super fake, “parenthood is magical, it is a gift, a miracle and yes, I am over the moon and my child is the most beautiful, sweet, magical baby in the world” kind of way. (Yes, I’m talking to you, Bethenny Frankel, even though I love you and the housewives.) Rather, motherhood changed my life in that it completely shifted the way I perceived other women.
10. You have a mirror strategically placed on the ceiling so you can watch television over the pile of junk between the couch and the t.v.
9. Your bathroom has hot and cold running roaches
8. Is cheese supposed to make noise?
7. Your Christmas tree is still up – from the Reagan Years
6. You’ve given your dust bunnies names
5. After photos of your home were posted online, you started getting Care packages from Haiti
4. When you open the fridge door, the light makes all the food suddenly stop moving
3. You’ve taken up sculpting, building your sculptures from lint and dust
2. BP Oil executives have officially declared your kitchen/bathroom area ‘unsalvageable’
1. Even Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t come inside
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
A lot of my friends have been complaining to me about their husbands lately. The stories all sort of blur together and it seems as though most of them (the husbands in question) do the same dumb shit. Now — we all know I don’t have a husband. And for those of you who didn’t know that bit of information — now you do. So you may wonder what qualifies me to even create such a top ten. It’s simple — for all intents and purposes, I am a wife and I have a wife — I’m the perfect person for the job. [Read more →]
10. You answered every question on your History final with, “Hey, I wasn’t even alive then!”
9. You’ve been in the eighth grade since the Clinton Administration.
8. Your term paper in music class compared the vocal stylings of Lady Gaga and Alvin and the Chipmunks.
7. Because of new carpeting, you’ve worn all the hair off your knuckles.
6. The only word you learned in Spanish class was “No.”
5. When you tried to sell your textbooks, you were told you might want to hang onto them for a bit longer.
4. On your Geography final, you said the English Channel was the BBC.
3. That stuff you cooked up in Chemistry class attracted six busloads of DEA agents.
2. Your combined score on the SAT: 4.
1. Your teacher suggests you could use that ten bucks for better things than a cap and gown rental.
Bob Sullivan’s Top Ten Everything appears every Monday.
Oh so briefly yesterday I was a genius. The stay was brief indeed but for a moment my decision to straight cash out my 401k last fall, derided by good and intelligent people in my life and in media was vindicated in an instant and for an instant as the Dow dipped below where it was when I bailed. [Read more →]
In a fortnight I move to an undistinguished town in the middle of Germany, to bring enlightenment and English to the uncouth. I’ve been looking at accommodation websites, sifting through the weirdness for acceptable digs. The real difficulty isn’t the flat, it’s the people. Terrible flatmates are an affliction and a curse. I particularly detest slobs. [Read more →]
We’ve all heard the old axiom “Let the buyer beware”. It’s always stemmed from the nature of salesmanship. As a salesman, your job is to make the product sound so wonderful, so incredible, that the buyer can’t help but wonder how they ever made it through life without your good or service.
Let’s meet the world’s best saleswoman.
If you live in the Northeast part of the United States, you’re probably up to your eyeballs in snow. Certain areas, including mine, have been socked with the second snowmageddon within a week. It’s creating a lot of stress for mothers everywhere — schools are closed and toddler classes are canceled. The roads are impassable, and even if they weren’t, it’s impossible to dig the minivan out from the mountain of snow anyway. What’s a mother to do with an endless stretch of days indoors with a bunch of kids? Here are some ideas to keep your children entertained and you stress-free while stuck in the house. [Read more →]
Back in June, reason.com ran a story about a woman in Pennsylvania who wanted to begin a pole dancing class for exercise. The town, Mars, was fighting her attempt in an effort to keep their streets clear of the hordes of hookers and prostitutes that were bound to descend upon them like a plague of locusts.
Last week I promised you five non-sucky, non-budget-breaking holiday gift ideas, but I can tell you’ve had a long week, so you’re getting six. Two ideas for your girly-type recipients, two for the less overtly effeminate, one for a household or couple of any orientation, and one for kids.
You know you’re already thinking about it, especially if you’re one of the 7,000 Americans whose unemployment benefits are running out, or if you live in, say, Michigan. In these darkest of before-the-dawn days, maybe it’s a good time to reexamine the holiday gift-giving ritual and all its evil, consumer-driven overtones.
Or maybe, you know, not. Not this year. This year some of you would like a little normalcy, a little dignity, a little tradition, just with fewer finance charges and bank overdraft fees sprinkled on top.
I hear you. You want your brother-in-law to look over at you and say, “Nice,” and mean it. Impact, not indigence. Let’s get started — yes, pre-Halloween, so sue me — with 5 gifts to avoid giving. [Read more →]
Discipline is hard and not fun and I’m no good at it. So, since I’m surfing around anyway instead of working, why don’t we find out what sort of free motivational programs are out there for lazy creative types like us?
Let’s start at the beginning; I think that’s a common thing among the disciplinati.
Dear Ruby,
My 12 year old daughter is back in school and this girl (let’s call her Becky) who she’s been hanging around with all summer is now completely blowing her off! I feel so bad for my daughter and I’m really angry at Becky, who I’ve been driving to parties and feeding meals to all summer, basically treating her like a member of the family.
Would it be out of line to say something to her when I see her at school? I volunteer once a week or so and I feel very awkward and like I want to call her out on her snotty behavior. She’s always polite to me.
Mom on Warpath
Dear Ruby,
I am in my 50s and the kids have moved out. The wife and I were thinking it would be fun to smoke a joint. I’m all for it, but she says that pot nowadays is like ten times stronger than it was when we were kids and we’ll freak out or overdose or something. But I think she still wants to do it.
Do you think this is a good idea or should we just stick to beer and Captain Morgan?
2nd Adolescence
Dear Ruby,
I have a gal working in my office who is a real Bossy Betty. Doesn’t matter who, doesn’t matter what, she’s got an opinion on what should be done and by golly she is going to make sure you take her advice. It’s bad enough on work matters, but I surely don’t need her advice on my personal life! Ignoring her just seems to encourage her and my boss doesn’t seem to mind that she’s running the show. Any advice on dealing with her?
Lynne
Dear Ruby,
I recently found out through my local newspaper that the nephew of a friend of mine was arrested for something very, very serious. This is not a friend I see very often, but someone I still feel close to.
The nephew does not share the same name with my friend, and I only know about him as a relative because I knew her estranged half-sibling (the nephew’s parent) during the short time (one summer) that they had a relationship with her family. I doubt almost any of her other friends from that time made the connection.
As I said, this was a very, very serious incident; the kind of thing a family will likely never live down. I’m wondering if I should let her know that I know. I’m guessing she might be hoping that no one will make the connection and if I tell her I know I’m afraid it might depress her and make her think everyone knows. I would not want to do anything that would cause her one more moment of grief right now. What do you suggest?
Afraid to Reach Out [Read more →]
Dear Ruby,
My boyfriend and I are hosting our first dinner party this weekend, and he just told me that two of the guests are vegans. This is a surprise to both of us and I’ve already bought the chicken to grill and most of the other dishes have butter or milk or cheese. I’m almost panicking! It’s not a payday weekend and I really don’t have another $50 to spend for a second meal. Please help!
The Flesh-Eating Hostess [Read more →]
Good news! There are reports of a light at the end of the recession tunnel. It’s great that there might be a light. Of course, it would be greater if we weren’t in a tunnel.
Unemployment is still high. Combined with under-employment figures, the estimates come in around 16%. Until there’s some massive hiring, it’s the austerity plan — or no plan — for an awful lot of people.
For those of us who are not yet seeing the light, much less feeling the glow, here’s a special list of 23 things you can still enjoy for $5 or less: [Read more →]
Dear Ruby,
A question in the form of a haiku:
Nice to work lady
Now she talks to me all day
Want her to stop please
Regards, Johan [Read more →]
