The rise and fall of Jessica Simpson
Women are fickle mistresses, especially when it comes to our tolerance for other women, and in particular, celebrities. Men may have their own issues with celebrity men, or pseudo-celebrity men, like Guy Fieri. Guy is annoying, like a fly you want to swat, but honestly, we’re not too concerned about him, or any other man, for that matter. It’s the women to whom we’re paying the most attention.
We got off to a rocky start with Jessica Simpson. Jessica began her career under the blinding glare of pop princesses Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera. She seemed to be just another blonde in a sea of blondes. We were not impressed. Then she married Nick Lachey and found success on the MTV hit, Newlyweds, where she said stupid things and talked about her “stinky ass”. She confirmed her label as a dumb blonde — gorgeous, but dumb. Then she got super skinny for her role in The Dukes of Hazzard. She flaunted her daisy dukes in our faces. All the men loved her. However, we hated her.
She jumped on her success by being a spokeswoman for a skin care product, and developing a hair extension line with her bestie 4 ever, Ken Paves. She started her own shoe and clothing label. And we hated her even more. (Listen, Jessica, we don’t need your four inch heels. They’re tacky, and not very practical. Where are we going to wear these, to our next photo shoot?) She started dating John Mayer and dyed her hair brown. She was well into her “I want to be taken seriously” phase. We weren’t impressed and we weren’t taking her seriously.
But then, life started to take a turn for Jessica. We started to feel sorry for her. Her little sister, Ashlee, got married and had a baby, while Jessica continued to search for love. Jessica had always been the “Marcia” to Ashlee’s “Jan”. But now Ashlee-Jan was surpassing her older sister in love and life. Embarrassing. Our hearts melted a little in sympathy.
Then Jessica wore the infamous “mom jeans” at a chili cook-off. Despite being a size 4, Jessica was mercilessly criticized for being fat. We sympathized a little more — no girl likes to be called fat, no matter how skinny she is.
A few months later, Jessica got dumped by Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo, fueled by rumors that her dad contributed to the breakup. This is the dad who once said, “She’s got double D’s! You can’t cover those suckers up!” Our dads may be a little weird at times, but talking about your daughter’s breasts is creepy. Poor Jessica.
Soon after getting dumped, Jessica’s cute little dog got eaten by a coyote. Then, John Mayer did a ridiculous interview for Playboy in which he called her “sexual napalm” and claimed he wanted to snort her like cocaine. In an interview, Jessica stated, “I hope I don’t die alone”, cementing our newfound love for her with her honesty about our most secret fear.
(Oh, Jessica, we’re sorry we ever hated you. Your shoes are really cute, we swear. We just bought a pair and we’ve totally gotten great comments about them already.)
Jessica debuted her new show, The Price of Beauty, on VH1 this week. Supported by her best friends Ken and Cacee, Jessica circled the globe, showing us that outward beauty is a cultural idea and not representative of the real person inside. The show asked us to question our definition of real beauty, and overwhelmed us with its girl-power theme. Jess has tried so hard to make us love her and accept her. (Jessica, you win. You’re allright with us. You’re not just a ditzy, skinny blonde. You are our new best friend and a hero to real women everywhere.)
Following her stint on The View, Jessica went on Barbara Walters’ SIRIUS XM radio show where she said the following:
“I want a confident man. A man who understands me and can deal with my life and is not embarrassed of my life. And can support my life. And allow me to be a powerful woman. I’m not going to give up my role in this life to just be a housewife.”
Excuse me? Just a housewife? She’s worked so hard to be our friend, and now Jessica belittles us by calling us “just housewives” and insinuating that we aren’t powerful? We’re smart and powerful and beautiful. The term is stay at home mom, not housewife. And while Jessica is busy gallivanting across the globe with her best friends, we’re here at home performing the toughest job in the world.
(Jessica, you’re dead to us. Your shoes hurt our feet. Your show’s ratings are worse than the programs on the History Channel. And we don’t need your hair extensions, we’ve got our own hair, thank you very much. You blew it.)
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I still want to know what’s going on between her and Billy Corgan. Haven’t read much about that weird pairing recently. Was the sexual napalm too much for the Smashing Pumpkin?
She says she wants a “confident man,” yet she also claims to want a man who won’t be “embarrassed of (her) life.” She gets points for irony there.
I remain convinced that her maltipoo committed suicide.
Y’know, I despise Dallas Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones, but he did give his handsomely paid quarterback Tony Romo some good advice during the Jessica Simpson dating fiasco:
“Tony, sometimes they can smell fresh money.”
In fairness to Jessica, though, I imagine her attraction to Romo was based more on his stature as quarterback of “America’s Team” and whatever supposed mystique and notoriety come with that grand title.
Nancy,
Thank you, thank you for finally saying what I have been thinking for so long. Not gonna lie… JS is hot in Daisy Dukes. I give her that. Her stupidity is “kind of” endearing, but please tell me that you saw her session with the Buddhist Monk on The Price of Beauty? Really? Laughing at a Monk?
It’s funny how she went from stupid and hot in my mind to just plain stupid.
Nice time line work on her life and yes, her shoes freakin’ hurt.