Two of my favorite things in the world are fine food and game shows. There is nothing I enjoy more than curling up on the Victorian settee to watch the latest episodes of “Jeopardy!” and “The Price is Right” while eating foie gras-stuffed quail with asparagus and drinking port wine. The extreme pleasure of consuming great food combined with the excitement of a thrilling game show causes the cares of the world to just drift away.

Given my love of food and of game shows, the appearance of the NBC program, Minute to Win it, should be cause for celebration. After all, it is a game show, and it is hosted by a popular figure from the Food Network.

You might think that one such as I would enjoy the Food Network. You might think that, but do not say it out loud, because if I hear you, I will remove my gauntlet and slap you across the face. Maybe this is an extreme reaction, but to even imply that I would like something as reprehensible as the Food Network is a metaphorical slap in the face. A literal slap in the face is a wholly appropriate response.

And no one more embodies what I find so distasteful and about that spoiled-rotten network than one of its most popular “personalities,” the guy called “Guy Fieri.” He is the “guy” that your mom dated for a few months right after her divorce; the one that you and everyone else could tell was a total sleaze, but for some reason she just couldn’t see it. He is the “guy” that’s everyone’s buddy at work, but the minute your back is turned he’s gladhanding the boss and belittling you. He is the “guy” whose success is attributable not to the modicum of actual talent he possesses, but to his ability to ingratiate himself to exactly the right person. He is the “guy” who thinks his ridiculous accoutrement make him look “cool,” as opposed to ridiculous. He is the “guy” who attempts to compel you to join him in playing air guitar whenever “More than a Feeling” comes on the classic rock station (and he sticks his tongue out while doing it). He is the “guy” who oozes his way into your life unbidden, who furthers pushes himself on you, who never leaves, who is inescapable. He is the “guy” who wonders about the people who don’t want to “roll” with him. Because he’s just so “off the hook” and “money,” can’t you see it?

His success is inscrutable to me. I am trying to scrute it; I really am. I am trying perhaps too hard. Below are my theories:

1. Guy Fieri represents punishment at the hands of an irritated, but not quite angry, god. The god of the Bible is capable of some massively awful things when he is angry. He sends a plague of locusts to harass the Egyptians who were keeping slaves and didn’t believe in god. He gave Job oozing sores and killed all his children and wives simply to test his faith. He killed every man, woman, and child on the planet in a great flood (except the drunken Noah and his family). He killed people for practicing birth control. I am not saying that Guy Fieri’s popularity rises to the level of floods and plagues, but if a god were capable of doing those things when he’s angry, it doesn’t seem out of the question that he might send something like Guy Fieri to harass us if he were only a little bit annoyed. Being a skeptic, I understand rationally that Guy Fieri is probably not the agent of an irritated but not quite angry god; nevertheless, it is a seductive theory.

2. Guy Fieri is an agent of satan. I am still a skeptic (see above), however, if there is a satan, and he wants to wreak havoc on the world, the best way might be to wear us all down and force us to just throw up our hands in disgust. Unleashing a Guy Fieri loose upon us is a step in that direction. He is often photographed wearing fiery clothing, his very name (his stage name, by the way; his actual last name is Ferry) is just one letter off from “fiery,” and his hair is like a shock of flames atop his giant, beet-red head. In this scenario, Guy Fieri isn’t the only nuisance; after all, there are other Food Network stars that could also be agents of satan. Also, Gwyneth Paltrow (who is, incidentally, a very close friend of Mario Batali, one of the original Food Network stars).  Perhaps satan has let loose a number of human hobgoblins to harass and harangue us, and Mr. Fieri is but one.

Is Guy Fieri attempting to attack us with hellfire?

3. Guy Fieri is an extra terrestrial creature in human disguise sent to destroy us for our callous disregard for our planet. This perhaps slightly outlandish theory came to me while reading over a synopsis of a recent film in which Keanu Reeves played an alien sent to earth to destroy it, or something, because humans were already destroying it. I didn’t watch the movie; I think it was a remake (of course!). Anyway, in this scenario, the aliens have only a basic understanding of human beings, and so disguised one of their own in such a way as to give him a superficial resemblance to a human. This would explain some peculiarities in Mr. Fieri’s appearance. For instance, why does his hair spike up like that? Why is it so dark at the roots, and so blond everywhere else? Why the multicolored Vandyke? Why does he wear sunglasses on the back of his head (does he have another set of eyes back there)? Why does he wear sweatbands on his forearms? Why does he wear bowling shirts even though he is not bowling, and it is not 1998? Perhaps the aliens are trying to tell us something; if only we would listen.

4. Guy Fieri is part of a conspiracy designed to combat obesity. The Food Network began broadcasting in 1993. In that time, obesity rates have increased. While most of us understand that correlation does not imply causation, the government does not. It’s only a matter of time before some enterprising elected or non-elected government official goes after the Food Network to collect some of its profits to help pay for our nation’s health care bills. Sensing this, the Food Network has endeavored to force people to lose their appetites by promoting nauseating personalities that make food unappealing. Mr. Fieri is the human equivalent of the warning on a package of cigarettes, or a video game rating system. If this is part of Food Network’s plan, there are hopeful signs that it’s actually working, as obesity rates seem to have plateaued since Mr. Fieri made his debut on the Food Network in 2006.

5. Guy Fieri is living my life, and my hatred of him is motivated purely by jealousy. Perhaps I see some of myself in him, or at least, what I would like to be. He and I rate roughly the same: five out of ten looks, four out of ten personality. Neither of us can grow a full, manly beard. Yet, Guy Fieri owns some mediocre restaurants whose culinary point of view seems to be “throw a bunch of crap together and hope people will buy it.” He has been on a reality television show. He hosts no fewer than three shows on the Food Network. He tours around the country like a rock star (seriously). He collects cars. He gets to travel the country eating food for free. His name has appeared on bestselling books. He has his own line of kitchen knives, and sunglasses. And, he now hosts a prime-time network game show. Guy Fieri has done everything I would like to do, and he had as little with which to work as I.

Then again, perhaps I shouldn’t feel jealous. Consider that Mr. Fieri is vermin. Now consider that one of his television programs on the Food Network is called Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. There is something so appropriately on-the-nose about having vermin host a show called Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. His success is just one big joke on him! Vermin hosting a show about skuzzy restaurants! Ha! It makes perfect sense and now I can get out of bed again! Oh my gosh please someone put me out of my misery!

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Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.

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