Chicks dig vampires!
Our nation’s women are being swept off their feet by a (not exactly) new phenomenon — vampires!
Sexy, young, brooding, vampires — not the swishy Bela Lugosi kind. The vampire I am talking about kinda looks like a cracked out John Mayer. Or maybe if James Dean and Robert Smith from the Cure pooped out a kid. I am talking about Robert Pattinson aka Edward Cullen from the “Twilight” series. What began as a book series for tweens has turned into a media jauggernaut and has spawned Vampire Fever. This Robert Pattinson fellow is taking some press away from our nation’s beloved bad parents of the year Jon and Kate. Where I used to see E! reporting that Jon Gosselin just scratched his ass in front of some Hollywood club, now I have to see Robert Patinson looking all pissed off and sexy in front of some club.
And now, everywhere you look — vampires! New TV shows, movies, and even an upcoming vampire parody movie. We cannot escape it. And I feel guilty as sin about all of this. Why? Well, in college, a friend of mine wanted to make a movie about vampires. Cynical, dream-shattering me told him that it was a played out idea, and why not make a movie about time travel, or switching places with your dad, or a cop with a dog for a partner. Little did I know that years later the vampire movie — the most beat-to-death, overdone, market-saturated movie plot in history — would come to prominence again.
What is the allure? This was a book series for teenage girls and now women of all ages are swooning over these books and movies. Is it because the star of the movie Robert Pattinson is making all these women crazy? It seems like girls and women want to bang this guy. I just don’t see the attraction. First off, vampires probably harbor loads of STD’s and second, can he dunk a basketball like Teen Wolf could? What’s so cool about this guy? That was all I needed in high school — I had a hard enough time competing with the bad boys and douche bags for girls’ attention — now I would have to compete against someone with eternal life. Wonderful.
In my opinion, a good vampire movie hasn’t been made since 1987, when “Lost Boys” came out. There was no better movie about teen vampires, and no better metaphor for peer pressure. After watching that, I just said no to smoking pot and drinking blood.
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I always found vampires flat out creepy. The herds of women (fangbangers) who are attracted to these creeps because it’s the “new” thing…well, that’s even creepier.
I’m not sure what the allure is for women, actually. I can’t say I’m into the whole vampire thing, it is really creepy. And Robert Pattinson just looks like he needs a bath.