A tsunami of outrage has swept the nation and the globe. Another crime has been catalogued, another provocation that threatens to stir benevolent goatherds to strike at jumbo jets, of which they are pastorally ignorant. We speak of the ritual desecrations committed by American troops as they relieved themselves on a pile of defenseless, deceased, Taleban jihadis. A cry goes up that piss has no place in war. Patton would disagree but we need no more to rubbish the assertion than to recall that those who think piss has no place in war likewise think blood can be excised from it. That scrum includes, among other bigwigs, a young candidate for President who thought “smart diplomacy” a sound replacement for smart bombs. I wonder whatever became of that guy? But we have no time for trivia as the wars, under whatever management, have continued at least through this morning.

So where does this piss come from? Anatomical answers are not what we seek. Clearly the Marines on the block are humans and therefore need to express their bodily fluids. That they also express a contempt for their enemy, well, might be objectionable on grounds of decorum but hardly on principle. We may shoot, beat, burn, stab, irradiate, defenestrate and entomb; either from afar or at close quarters but we must spare our dedicated antagonists the indignity of a post-mortal golden shower? In Vegas that would cost them plenty so we might, as Michelle Obama declared her daughters to be “senior staff” so to get their travel expenses covered, re-jigger our definitions, declaring the impromptu baptism a bit of cultural outreach. If that modus proves inoperable, let us then claim that, as with Admiral Ossama’s respectful burial at sea, we are adhering to local customs. The Believer deserves a vigorous washing upon death, the better to make a good impression on his promised virgins. Nearly sterile, bonafide American piss is probably the most powerful disinfectant known to these dusty tribesmen. Is the odor offensive? Only relatively, friends. Only relatively.

But there is a practical foundation for the carping. The urination will inflame and enrage the Arab Street, that famously placid avenue. This forgets some crucial facts. As alluded, the Arab Street is already aflame. It has been for years beyond counting. Will some new Abdullah join the fight hearing of this insult to his people? Oh, probably. Also will some other be discouraged, not wanting to walk the seven scimitars in a foul state; not wishing to take a chance that the touch of a kaffir’s whizz might, like pigs blood or dog saliva, be a disqualifying pollution. Yes, this was an insult but a piddling one. Of greater weight to these rustics who deal with piss and shit, human and otherwise routinely in their daily rounds is the publication of insulting cartoons, the aviation of assaulting drones and the big one, which is the stubborn respiration of the Unbeliever. Most likely, this means you.

If we must consider the ignition of that which is already on fire, shall we not also consider what provocations Our Boys might have suffered? So we must but first let me insert the adamant accusation of a friend of mine who should know, that almost certainly these pishers were NOT the warriors who ventilated our absorbent foes. Rather he thinks this video and the actions depicted reveal the Rear Echelon Mother-f****r on a jaunt outside the wire. The REAL killers are unseen, having retired to clean their weapons and stalk their next prey. Whether or not that is the case we do recognize that, barring an error, the pissees were lately sending something more substantial than fluid in the pissers’ direction. A firefight had just concluded from which the Talib had the worst of it. If they had instead enjoyed a rare success, what respect would have been shown OUR dead? We know by precedent. Even worse would have been the treatment of any prisoner which they take only to behead as opposed to shipping them off to a resort in the Carribean.

“But we are Americans!” is the objection. We are better than these savages. This is heard most loudly from those who, when over seas, instead declare that they are Canadians. Still we must answer the complaint. Yes, indeed we ARE superior to these rag-bags. These are the fellows who vote with market bombs, who behead little girls for the crime of seeking literacy. Even if we don’t assign them culpability for 911, the ancient insult, still we must acknowledge that as a practical matter, if our Marines were not there absorbing IEDs and mortar rounds, the agglomeration of goat-ravishers that committed those attacks will quickly reconstitute.

Oh but it is not just our enemies who are offended but also our allies! Why should that be? According to the doctrines agreed upon in Islamabad, Kabul, Baghdad and lesser islands of sophistication, these cats are not believers anyhow but rather are kaffiri themselves. Why? Because, as W and O have both explained, jihad is not a violent concept at all. Rather the term describes a journey of self-analysis and meditation, much like Rolfing. The practitioners of ambush and decapitation are defaming Islam with their heresy. There are fatwas to that effect, go and see. If this is the case, what matters a bit of disrespect on the carcasses which also, as unlawful belligerents, are outside the protection of the Geneva Accords? Is the society that stones not just willing adulterers but also rape victims grown so particular? And if they have, clearly their account is already over drawn. While the christening of bodies is not explicitly prohibited (though it probably is now) we have already accepted PREsciptions on defecation. This is NOT to be towards Mecca or else it is an unforgiveable sacrilege. We know this because there is not an outhouse in the Umma that points to Mecca or else it is razed like a Buddhist statue. Whether the demand is that your nose or your tail point away, I cannot find, but still the rule obtains over our fellows on the line.

Let us stipulate that, like ancient Rome, for reasons of practical politics we should be as unlikely to give insult as to absorb it. Still this leaves much wiggle room into which a Marine’s gun might fit. For we DO take insults daily and repeatedly, do we not? Recall the Ground Zero Mosque, still unbuilt due to the divinely baroque corruption of New York real estate developers, but clearly concieved as a strategic insult. This was one we are prepared to accept given our stated principles of liberty but that does not change the obvious fact of its triumphalism. We also absorb much more explicit insults. Even WITHIN America there are demonstrations that declare, ah, Death to America! And our police, military, firefighters, paramedics… not to mention non-government actors like the ACLU and various councils of churches… act to protect and aid these protestors, protesting the nation many have fled to to avoid murder at the hands of their former states or neighbors. The plunking of a frozen pig head in among praying believers has resulted in apprehension and prosecution of the plunker. Has there been a riot, pogrom or any public agitation against that? Nope. Nor should there be but the assassination of Ossama bin Laden, the proud mastermind of the 911 attacks produces upheaval in Karachi which, ostensibly, is home to our allies in the hunt. Are we not insulted by that? This does not even address the universal celebration in the Muslim world of the murders at the Towers, at the Pentagon and in Pennsylvania which continues on shirts and all other media to this very day.

So we trade in insults. We traffic in them. And not just internationally. Andres Serrano made his name a household one with a simple bit of desecration. Famously he immersed a plastic Jesus in urine, photographed it and launched into historic stardom. We are informed it was not merely colored water but HIS urine though tests were never conducted. This bit of bathroom humor was raised by its depravity to the level of Performance Art. Our giddy acceptance of it as such was the mark of the enlightened being back in the Age of Reagan when this occurred. Since then we have also had the elephant dung Mary and numerous immitators. These are all secularly holy acts of self-expression, clearly celebrations of the First Amendment whatever you think of the materials and implications. Yet there exists a protected class. Of course it is Islam. The mohammed cartoons sparked riots across the globe but more unexpectedly the riots sparked self-censorship that is patently with us today. Perhaps this could be a laudable exercise in restraint but the jihadis and the Muslim world at large do not see it so. Rather the willingness to take public insult; cultural and political as well as eccumenical is percieved as a sign of mortal weakness. We are a paper tiger or in Osamma’s famous declaration, the weak horse.

That erroneous supposition must be overcome militarily if we do not overcome it in some other fashion, to the detriment of both our own armed forces and the young, misguided Taliban who make unholy war against them, on this, the battlefield of bipartisan designation. So let us have two, three… indeed many Piss Mohammeds as we have serial Piss Christs. Let the Muslim population learn that insults are a part of life and insults to one’s religion, a part of life at Liberty, something any Jehovah’s Witness could tell you.

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