I recently sent this e-mail to an automaton who works in the marketing department at the Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company:

Hi Nxxxx,

I’m writing ask if we might have an informal conversation about a marketing partnership that could, potentially, be mutually beneficial. While it might seem a bit unconventional or “outside the box,” it’s something that I’m sure has been done, and, at very least, would present the Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company with an opportunity whose risk is negligible compared to the potential reward.

My name is David Brensilver. I’m the author of ExecTV (ENC Press, 2005), a satire that is described on the publisher’s website thus: “Fast-forwarding Reality TV to its logical extreme, an unemployed documentary filmmaker extraordinaire arranges to have an execution broadcast live on pay-per-view television, in as flamboyant a form as his bizarre vision can conjure to amuse the masses.”

Regardless, of what you and your colleagues might think of the novel (the Vatican, for instance, refused to comment on it even though we asked), the main character, Dov Montana, chain-smokes American Spirit cigarettes throughout the story, as I did writing it and continue to do with great loyalty. So great is my loyalty, in fact, that my author bio, on the publisher’s website, references my choice of cigarette.

I’m currently working on a second novel in which, once again, the main character chain-smokes American Spirit cigarettes. So, here’s what I’m thinking …

I recently read Michael Chabon’s The Yiddish Policeman’s Union. In his acknowledgments, Mr. Chabon indicates that the book was “written on Macintosh computers … .” I have no idea why he acknowledged his choice of computer, or if the people at Macintosh were even aware that Mr. Chabon used their product. I did, however, imagine that contemporary novels might be a terrific product-placement opportunity for companies like yours and others.

My wife was recently watching a slightly less-than-horrible movie called He’s Just Not That Into You starring Jennifer Aniston, Ben Affleck, Scarlett Johansson, Bradley Cooper, Drew Barrymore, Jennifer Connelly, and some other folks I think I recognized from shampoo commercials.

I found myself watching the movie because it is set in Baltimore, where I went to college, with several scenes set in a neighborhood in which I had an apartment. And I found my interest piqued as Jennifer Connelly’s character reacts with unabashedly unnatural histrionics when she discovers that her husband has been sneaking cigarettes — American Spirit cigarettes, no less. I assumed that this was a wonderful job of product placement on your company’s part. If not, you must have been thrilled. As I’m sure you’re aware, the American Medical Association Alliance was less-than thrilled and raised objection. I won’t take the time — unless you’d like me to — to look into whether the American Medical Association Alliance has raised similar objections to junk-food advertisements.

Frank Zappa famously said: “Tobacco is my favorite vegetable.” He also said, in an interview on the Today Show in 1993, “I don’t believe that all the stories about the evil effects of tobacco are true.”

I have a lot of thoughts about the anti-smoking movement that I won’t get into here. And while I don’t dispute that cigarette smoking can cause health problems, I’m sure we all consume countless other products that can do equal or greater harm.

Anyway, I’m looking to take some time off to finish the novel I’m currently writing, and I’d love to have a conversation about the possibility of some sort of partnership with the Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company — perhaps some sort of sponsorship. I’ve wondered, for example, what kind of relatively negligible investments certain companies make to have professional golfers sew logos onto their shirts.

While I’m not, at present, a bestselling author or household name, I will continue to create characters, in novels, who smoke American Spirit cigarettes. If, at some point, I end up selling an impressive number of books, readers will be reminded of your product each and every time a character lights a cigarette.

Imagine if Nick Hornby’s main characters chain-smoked American Spirit cigarettes. Imagine if, in the film adaptation of, say, High Fidelity, John Cusack’s character, who smokes throughout the movie, smoked American Cigarette cigarettes, exclusively.

I’d like to have a conversation about a partnership that would allow me the luxury of time to complete my second novel, and would offer the Santa Fe Natural Tobacco Company a product-placement opportunity — for a negligible investment — of potentially tremendous value. I’m certainly open to discussing different partnership scenarios and will let you know that my annual salary is $xx,xxx. While I’m hoping to secure a full year off to complete my second novel, even six months would be a luxury.

Would you be available to chat about this at some point? Or, if you’re not the person who might entertain this sort of unconventional, slightly guerrilla-style product placement / promotional / marketing investment opportunity, would you point me in the right direction?

Please know that I am quite serious about all this and will look forward to hearing from you soon.

Until then, be well.

Eagerly,
David A. Brensilver

The automaton attempted to forward my e-mail to a coworker, but accidentally replied to me:

This is totally weird, and I have no idea how this guy got my info???

Being the mensch that I am, I pointed out her mistake:

Hi Nxvxvx,

I think you meant to forward this to someone else. I found your e-mail online as I searched for someone at SFNTC who might be appropriate to query.

All the best,
David Brensilver

Then she toed the line:

David,

I’m not sure what to think of your email exactly, as I have never seen this type of offer before. It does seems (sic) like a unique idea you are proposing. However, I am almost certain that product placements are a violation of the MSA agreement which would make this type of thing completely illegal for a tobacco company to participate in. We are a signatory of the MSA and follow it explicitly. This type of project, if allowed at all, would be riding a fine line when looking at it from an ethical and responsible marketing practices standpoint.

Thank you for the information,

Nxxxxx

And then I smoked a delicious American Spirit cigarette.

Tweet  Print This Post

Tags: books & writing, money // Add Comment »