The government takes control of the oil crisis
Federal officials have finally gotten a handle on the oil catastrophe. No, not the catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico, but an apparently much more important catastrophe — the olive oil catastrophe.
Yes, while the government does nothing as millions of barrels of crude oil empty into what’s steadily becoming La Brea South, the US Department of Agriculture is setting regulations regarding what constitutes olive oil. And they say they will strictly enforce these regulations.
Lucky thing for BP that they’re not in the olive oil business.
And adherents of the Mediterranean Diet can now breathe easier knowing that the extra-virgin olive oil they put on their salad isn’t in fact just plain ordinary virgin olive oil.
Many may even sing Hosannas.
So, all those who claim that the federal government is nothing more than an inept bureaucracy that accomplishes nothing of any import will have to eat their hearts out.
With a little olive oil on top.
Extra-virgin olive oil.
Government-approved extra-virgin olive oil.
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TEAM OBAMA is an ENVIRONMENTAL DISASTER!
Gov. Bobby (”That’s Not My Real Name, Which Is as Odd as Barack but Not as Fearsome as Hussein”) Jindal of Looisiann, hasn’t lot faith in our institutions. He’s gained some, namely in the federal gummint. He used to go around pleasing the yokels by saying, like, “We don’t need no stinking federal govmint, which couldn’t pour piss out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel. We do things our own selfs, that’s the Southron way.” Now he’s saying, like, “Where’s that fed’ral govmint and why hasn’t it sent down some carpetbaggers to throw into the gulf to soak up the oil? And where is Brownie when we really need him?” A paraphrase of his actual remarks.
I think DJ Jindalicious won a permanent place in my heart when he creepily scurried out of that dark foyer in the Louisiana governor’s mansion to give the GOP response to Obama’s poetry slam back in ’09.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCgmc32guso&feature=related
When Christ Matthews uttered “Oh God,” it was a moment of picture-perfect dystopia. All players on all sides of the political spectrum were revealed — with more clarity than ever — to be supremely gifted engineers of societal collapse.
I knew we were in good hands.
“I knew we were in good hands.”
You’re in good hands with no state.
Don’t know why Jindal doesn’t simply stage one of his famous exorcisms to remove the offending oil.
Will Rachael Ray still be able to call it “E.V.O.O.”?
@Colin
Nice! The Legend of Jindal is new enough to me that I didn’t even know about the exorcism cha cha cha until you mentioned it. This adds another great layer to a multi-tiered turd.
I once knew an “exorcist,” and even though he was a complete lunatic, I always enjoyed our friendly conversations at the temp job where we worked in 2003. He would come to work on a Monday and tell me about a “very successful session” from the weekend, which usually involved his heroic extraction of evil spirits from some credulous dunderhead. Ultimately, I think he got into some HR trouble related to his spirit extractions, as most of the demons had names like “Lesbianism,” “Adultery,” and “Fornication.”
The poor bastard probably shared this info with the wrong person one day; I believe he started yammering away about this to either a customer or an unamused co-worker. I’m fairly certain this led to his near-instantaneous dismissal. (Shockingly, not everyone in the working world of downtown Portland is as entertained by the crazed tales of demon spirits and psychosexual possession as me. Go figure!)
@Colin
BTW, in the fertile arena of synchronistic olive oil news, let it be known that a dude from my high school is opening Portland’s first Olive Oil Bar/Store:
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Lake-Oswego-OR/Oilerie-Lake-Oswego/353998496825
@Michael
I think that dude could be the basis of a very interesting novel.
I read somewhere that Jindal’s so-called “successful” exorcism in college might’ve had something do with homosexuality.
Seriously, this guy in the White House would scare me more than Bush + Palin + Obama.