Future headline: Woman sentenced to six months for not using condom

Future headline: Woman sentenced to six months for not using condom

Posted on March 22nd, 2010 by Ricky Sprague

Michelle Hottentot, 26, of Sherman Heights, has been sentenced to six months in jail for violating the state’s Health Care Freedom and Insurance Act. Ms. Hottentot was convicted of having unprotected sex with an unidentified man with whom she was not in a committed monogamous relationship.

Prosecutors had argued that Ms. Hottentot’s promiscuous behavior was in violation of the state’s health care laws, which require that all citizens not “knowingly engage in any behavior that might be considered ‘risky’ to any reasonable person or entity.” Cities around the state have been prosecuting people for any number of activities, including riding skateboards and inhaling helium to make their voices squeaky.

“These are dangerous activities that threaten the individuals’ health,” said prosecutor Randy O’Toole after the verdict. “The costs for the consequences of these actions are spread out to all of us, so the state has a vital interest in seeing that people don’t engage in them. She could have gotten an STD!”

Mr. O’Toole pointed out that part of the reason the sentence was so harsh was because Ms. Hottentot refused to name the man with whom she had the dangerous intercourse.

“For some reason she’s protecting this man, even though he’s not her husband, or even her boyfriend. All we wanted is for her to give us a name, and she would have gotten a suspended sentence. She decided to Hester Prynne us, so I had to throw the book at her.”

Prosecutors first became aware of Ms. Hottentot’s crime when a member of the state’s cyberhealth task force sent them an email with a screenshot of her twitter feed (which has since been removed), on which she had tweeted, “got drunk and did it with thisg uy he was soooo hot but ooops forgot to wrap that sucker!”

Prosecutors decided not to file charges on the drunkenness because by the time police arrived at her home she was already sober. However, police were able to take swabs and found evidence of the sexual intercourse.

Ms. Hottentot, who refused to comment for this story, will have to serve six months in prison, and will have her name placed on the state’s health care registry for the rest of her life.

“She had been an assistant manager of a Ralphs grocery store, which sells cookies. She has sex with one guy, doesn’t use a condom, and now she’s lost her job,” said her attorney, Jimmy D’Artagnan.

Mr. D’Artagnan cited the fact that, with her name on the registry, Ms. Hottentot will have to check in with the state’s health care services board at regular intervals, will not be able to move into those areas of the city not serviced by a park with a running track, and will be unable to get jobs that place her in contact with unhealthy foods, drugs, or anything else that could potentially harm her health.

“This is not just a six month sentence, it is a life sentence,” Mr. D’Artagnan added.

Mr. O’Toole played down those concerns. “If she gets an STD, that’s a real life-sentence. What we’re trying to do is help her. This is all for her own good.”

Because Ms. Hottentot has lost her job, she is expected to go on government assistance once she leaves jail.

Feminist groups were outraged by the sentence, somewhat. The National Organization for Women released a statement stating that, while they appreciate the fact that the government has a clear interest in ensuring that people not abuse their bodies in ways that are unhealthy, they do not believe that the law should be applied in this way.

“Clearly, because health care is a right we all share, the government should control people’s bodies when it comes to health care-what kind of drugs they take, what kind of foods they eat, how much exercise they get, things like that. But for the sex and reproduction related-issues, well, that’s just going too far.”

Mr. O’Toole laughed off NOW’s concerns. “Trust me, the government’s interest in a woman’s body doesn’t stop at her vaginal lips,” he said, citing the 2010 Patient Protection and Affordable Care health care initiative. “The fact is, we have a vested interest in every part of their bodies; their vulvas, their ovaries, their wombs. And once we find the G-spot, we’ll give that the attention it deserves, too,” he joked.

To date, Ms. Hottentot is reportedly STD-free, but Mr. O’Toole says that doesn’t matter. “We’re sending a message that this kind of behavior can’t be tolerated. As a prosecutor, I need to ensure that my tax-paying constituents’ rights are being respected. And we can’t have someone behaving irresponsibly when her risky behavior could end up costing the rest of us. If somebody gets an STD, then we’re all infected.”

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Ricky Sprague

Ricky Sprague occasionally writes and/or draws things. He sometimes animates things. He has a Twitter account and he has a blog. He scripted this graphic novel about Kolchak The Night Stalker. He is really, really good at putting links in bios.