Appointing more czars will help us all, especially my neighbor
The president’s health care initiative has been stalled by politics as usual and partisan rancor. This is a great tragedy, not only because people are literally dying in the streets from lack of access to government-run health care, but because it also gives the impression that Americans are “ungovernable.” Despite what you might have read in Newsweek, it’s only some Americans that are “ungovernable.” I, for one, want to be governed in the worst way; which is why I have so much faith in our current leaders. To that end, I’ve come up with a plan to help the president jump-start what is becoming a stalled presidency: appointing a bunch of new czars. Czars are great, since they don’t require congressional approval and can therefore get started doing the people’s work right away. They can also do pretty much whatever they want, because they don’t have to worry about being accountable to those “ungovernable” American citizens, like my neighbor who shall remain nameless. The president hasn’t yet taken full advantage of his power to appoint czars, so below is just a small sample of the czars I’d like to see him appoint, to bypass all the partisan gamesmanship and really get to work helping us:
THE POSITIVITY CZAR: It’s easy to feel down and depressed, especially in those times when Washington is stalled by partisan gridlock. Americans are having to learn to do more with less, and maintaining a positive attitude is vital to our national interests. Happy citizens are more productive, which is better for the economy. Also, it will be good for our national security. The United States Positivity Czar would spearhead initiatives designed to promote happiness and goodwill among all people through outreach and coordinated grass-roots efforts. The new Office of Positivity would seek to engender goodwill for all, in part by setting up a website to make it easy for people to report on neighbors who might require assistance with attitude adjustment. I have this one neighbor who keeps doing these things that are just stupid, like he won’t mow his goddam grass and he gets mad at me when I remind him about it and point out how it is bringing down our property values which are already in danger because there is a housing crisis if you haven’t noticed, and it is total bullshit that he could be so negative like that. He needs some positivity.
NEWS AND INFORMATION CZAR: Americans have access to more information than ever before. Ironically, access to so much information can lead to confusion, as people wonder which information can be trusted, and which is motivated by partisan rancor. This confusion in turn can lead to a decrease in productivity, which hurts our economy, and can also threaten our national security. The News and Information Czar would create programs designed to help Americans make sense of which news and information sources can be trusted, across all media. Websites, news organizations and programs, and radio shows that provide information in a bipartisan, unbiased way would be encouraged through the use of financial incentives and national ratings spikes. Additionally, the News and Information Czar would create an independent panel to evaluate whether or not to provide desperately-needed government assistance to our nation’s vitally important print newspapers, which are failing at an alarming and unacceptable rate. Should such panel come to the conclusion that print newspapers are necessary to the continuation of the republic, the office of the News and Information Czar would have the power to levy a tax against “news” outlets that engage in overtly partisan, biased reporting in order to pay for it. My neighbor pretty much gets all his information from Faux News, so he never knows what the hell he’s talking about. It’s scary that he actually gets to vote – if he watched the same stuff I do and actually read a newspaper (he doesn’t subscribe to one; I’ve never seen the guy delivering to him) then he’d know what’s really going on. But he won’t and so he doesn’t know anything and he won’t listen to me when I try to set him straight, the moron.
THE GOOD GOVERNMENT CZAR: Americans are fed up with “politics as usual.” In poll after poll it’s been shown that citizens lack faith in the politicians that run their public institutions. This lack of faith is dangerous to the republic, and is a threat to our national security. The Good Government Czar would be charged with creating policies to encourage bipartisan efforts to expand the government in such a way as to benefit all citizens, not merely a few special interests. The Good Government Czar’s office would also work with local community leaders to spread the word about the necessary government programs available to all citizens, and educate people as to why these programs are so important. One of the Good Government Czar’s primary tasks would be to spread the word about the Good Government Czar, and everything it does. The Good Government Czar would also have the power to finance the campaigns of candidates for public office who oppose politicians who have been shown by the Office to have actively engendered the ill will of citizens through obstructionist or contrarian actions. Politicians like Lewis Chucksdown, the 4th district candidate for state senate. My neighbor has his signs up all over his yard, and they are an ugly reminder of an ugly politician. How could anyone want that guy to be elected to anything? He is an evil asshole, and the people who vote for him are morons.
THE DISPOSABLE INCOME CZAR: During tough economic times, Americans’ incomes are shrinking; their disposable incomes even more so. Some of our citizens are unaware of the best way to spend their money to help ensure that certain businesses and services receive their share, so that our economy can grow and our nation’s defense can remain strong. The Office of the Disposable Income Czar would help Americans navigate the tricky questions regarding how best to spend that part of their income not spent on taxes. The Office would offer suggestions, fees, and incentives to ensure that each citizen targeted his spending to best help our economic recovery, and ensure our success. The czar would also have a separate budget to be spent on outreach programs that would educate consumers about the fact that they sometimes spend money on things that I think are stupid and wasteful, like my neighbor, who bought a gas-guzzling SUV that wasn’t even a GM, it was a Hyundai Santa Fe for crying out loud, and if he’s going to buy a new car anyway he might as well buy a GM and help us all out since we all own GM now, and also he’s got these ugly little gnomes standing outside the front of his house. Doesn’t he understand anything about curb appeal? I mean, why am I even bothering to make my house look nice if he’s going spend his money recklessly on ugly shit that blights the neighborhood?
THE DESIGN CZAR: Our world is changing. More people are immigrating out of our cities and into outlying suburban areas, which creates sprawl, long commutes, and a disappearing sense of “community.” This is causing no shortage of problems for our economic future, and our national security. As more people leave cities, they’re moving into homes that lack the charm and character that make this country great, and inspire us to do our best. The Office of the Design Czar would be in charge of the creation of a national design aesthetic that can be applied to every aspect of our lives, from the interiors of our homes to the layout of our city streets. Programs would encourage people to move their families back to more central locations through the use of fees and incentives, including the levying of taxes on property, sprawl, charmless garden gnome ornaments, ugly SUVs parked in driveways, election signs for terrible politicians that I hate, and for not mowing your fucking lawn and also I just remembered in the autumn you need to rake your leaves because those things blow into my yard you son of a bitch.
THE REPRODUCTION CZAR: Parenting can be a confusing, difficult time for even the best and brightest of us. Often it happens that people who become parents are completely unprepared for the responsibilities and the work it entails. They raise children with poor values who will not have the country’s best interests at heart, which is bad for the economy, and for our national defense. Well, my neighbor got his wife pregnant. Five months along. Can you believe that shit? A tiny little version of THEM running around taking dumps all over the place and crying at all hours and riding a bicycle on the sidewalk in front of my house and annoying my dog that never hurt anybody. Let me tell you, the whole fucking country is going down the toilet if these people keep procreating like this.
THE TSAR CZAR: Homophones are a major issue, as a lack of clarity in communication can lead to immeasurable losses in productivity, and can weaken our national security. The Office of the Tsar Czar would be charged with ensuring that people understand the difference between “their” and “they’re,”‘ and “you’re” and “your.” Like when “you’re” neighbor writes you a note and pins it on “you’re” front door, and it reads, “Dear neighbor, I’m sorry your so mad about my not mowing my yard. I’ve been a little distracted the last five mos. because my wife is pregnant. But her parents are coming down for a visit this weekend & for they’re visit we are going to make the house look very nice, and I promise not to let the yard get so ‘shaggy’ again. Thanks, Milton. PS Pls come over for our cookout this weekend, to celebrate!” Also, the office of the Tsar Czar will have the authority to punish those who are too lazy to write out a whole SIX LETTER word like “months,” and also a whole THREE LETTER WORD like “and” instead of using an AMPERSAND for fuck’s sake. The Office would have the power to levy fees against users of homophones, and shall set up a website where people can forward notes and emails containing them. The Office shall also work to encourage the use of good grammar in the sending of text messages, IM, and other media, in case my neighbor ever gets his head out of his ass long enough to figure out how to use those things.
THE LAWNMOWING CZAR: My neighbor says now he’ll mow his yard. We’ll see.
As you can see, my suggestions are practical in nature and motivated by a genuine desire to help all Americans succeed. If properly implemented, we’d all be better off. Those citizens who do stupid things that threaten us all would learn better, and those of us who actually give a shit about this country and what’s happening to it wouldn’t be plagued by those dumbasses who are ruining it. How the hell am I supposed to live my life when I’m worried about what my idiot neighbor is doing?
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Top stuff.
You’re obviously one of those “neo-monarchists” that Mitt Romney was warning us about. Or maybe a neo-oligarchist. Stop promoting your homophone lifestyle!