Five things officially true this week

Five things officially true this week

Posted on February 5th, 2010 by Ari McKee

Kids should be shot. Measles/mumps/rubella (MMR) vaccine does not cause a reaction in children’s bowels that causes autism. What? Bowels? Somebody believed that? Somewhere Jenny McCarthy stamps her little foot and tosses her blond hair, and yet is still not a doctor.

Bigger kids should be wrapped in duct tape. According to one study of 662 young urban middle-schoolers, a particular abstinence-only program may help them postpone sexual activity up to 12% more effectively than a comprehensive sex education program. That still leaves 582.56 non-procrastinators out there, but overall you must admit that postponing is good. Didn’t Britney Spears postpone for a while? No, wait . . .

My puberty can kick your program’s ass (or Postponing does not mean cancelling, people). Ryan Kendall, who undoubtedly had to postpone pretty hard and often while his loving Christian parents sent the 13-year old to every anti-homosexual reengineering program available, still stayed totally gay. “I knew I was gay, just like I knew I was short and half Hispanic,” said Kendall, a witness in the California Prop. 8 trial. In response, the U.S. military said that they’re pretty sure they could at least make him a liar.

Death is still worse than high mileage. Toyota’s horrible, no good, very bad week made it clear that the revelation of “momentarily unresponsive” brakes did not effectively distract people from the problem of “sticky accelerators.” So much for our so-called short freaking attention spans.

“The principles of the secular society” . . . finally grew a pair. Men who believe that women are inferior and should be fully veiled because seductive peeks at wristbones, earlobes and left nostrils make it impossible for them to control themselves . . . no, wait. Men who believe women are inferior and should be fully veiled because it’s then harder for them to run away when chased . . . hold on, this isn’t working. Well, what it boils down to is–men who believe women are inferior and should be fully veiled, CAN PISS OFF. At least in France.