Children, come in and join me on the couch. You’re probably wondering why I’ve called you in here. Well, something big is potentially happening and I wanted you to hear it from me rather than out in the street. This is going to be difficult to say but I want to first stress to you that nothing is official. I’m sure that what I’m about to tell you will turn out to be a vicious rumor but just in case, we have to prepare ourselves for what will be the most awful / amazing thing that has ever happened in the history of the world. Take a deep breath, kids: Brad and Angelina might be splitting up.

Ok, calm down. There is no need to panic yet. I want you to know that I’ve got my arms around this and that I’m handling it the same way I would handle any other major world crisis. First, I called my team into the Situation Room. Then, I had the Joint Chiefs brief me on all current intelligence. Here’s what we know: Today, the British paper News of the World — a very reputable news outlet – reported that Brad and Angie were totally splitsville. Then Peabody Award-winner Perez Hilton said that he heard Brangelina are absolutely not breaking up and then People magazine – the gold standard of investigative journalism – reported that the rumors are so false and that Brad is totally still hitting that. And the world waits.

As I said, it is essential that we not panic! First of all, a British tabloid reported the alleged split, and those things are just not to be trusted. Didn’t the Sun “break” the “news” of Princess Diana’s death like sixteen times during the eighties? Plus, this story coincides suspiciously with the fifth anniversary of Brad’s divorce from Jennifer Aniston so this may be just another shot fired in the media’s battle to avenge their beloved Jenny of Sunnybrook Farm. No, kids, at this point in time and with the limited information we have, I’m just not ready to say that this story holds water.

Then again, maybe we should err on the side of caution. It’s been a few hours and Brangelina Inc. has yet to deny the rumors. That doesn’t sit well with me. Also, they haven’t adopted a baby in, like, three months, which could be a very bad sign. And, in all fairness to the integrity of British tabloids and their sources, Princess Diana did eventually die.

So I need you to prepare yourselves for the end, children. Put your arms around each other and huddle for warmth for it grows cold outside. Hand me my Rosary, darling, we must pray very hard as there might not be much time left. No, don’t cry, little ones, we’ll be ok as long as we have each other. Hey, I have an idea: Why don’t I cook your favorite dinner and then you can sleep in my bed tonight. Would that be fun for you? Would that help you get to sleep? Ok, go get your jammies on. I’ll be here in the dark, waiting.

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